I mentioned that last week I had a totally rockin sound healing session. I booked this session, both for me and for ABCcreativity, because I was feeling like things were not flowing in quite the way I had wanted them to be flowing.
And while my intuitive wisdom was clear: Everything is going to be fine. And by fine, I mean Totally Freaking Amazing, I was still struggling with the now.
Ever since I left my job, this little seedling of doubt and fear has been growing.
Everything is amazing. And yet… and yet I do have bills. I own a house and a car and have taxes and insurance and all of the bills that people have. And I don’t have any kind of guarantee about how much income I am going to have. And I don’t have anyone to fall back on.
I’m single. I don’t have anyone to split the bills with, or to cover for me if I am short sometimes.
Of course, if you know me you are thinking – you do have a family. And I do. I have parents and a sister who are not going to let me starve. Yes.
But they are not going to cover my bills every month just so that I don’t have to get a job.
If this is going to work, if I am going to keep on living my dream – I have to make it work.
And that, my friends, is the little seedling of doubt and fear that has been quietly growing.
I have to make it work.
This is a brutal little thought. It’s controlling and rigid and closed.
For four years, my creativity workshops and all of my creative work grew because I was fluid and trusting and open. And then I left my job to do them full time. And since then this controlling and rigid and closed energy has been slowly growing – in the name of keeping me safe.
In the name of making sure I’m ok, this thought was leading me down a path I have no interest in going down.
And I was starting to feel it. Split between two worlds. And I going to control and be safe and make things work? Or am I going to be in the flow, enjoy myself and trust?
Being the creative being that I am I tried to create something new with both. Structure and support and then freeflowing trust swirling around but it wouldn’t quite take. Because I can only be focused in one direction at a time. I can try to control, or I can trust. I really can’t do both.
This desire to be safe is perfectly valid.
I’ve stepped out into new and unfamiliar territory and it’s a natural response to try and constrict and create safety and structure and make sure everything is going to be ok.
I want to honour the part of me that made that choice. That was afraid and unsure and said “I am going to take care of things.” I love this part of me for wanting to keep me safe.
And I am choosing to not take any more steps down that path.
And I am choosing flow. And sunshine.
from my creative journal: sunshine
And this makes the little seedling of doubt and fear much more afraid.
So that’s what I’ve been working on. Embracing this little seedling and seeing how I can help him (it does feel like a him) feel safe and ok. Exploring what kinds of jobs I can give this part of me that are going to be helpful.
Really, who I really am is much larger than this little guy. The parts of me that trust and flow and radiate and create are huge. And powerful.
And yet they can get tangled up in a tiny little sprout of doubt.
And if I just spray some Raid on the sprout, shake it off, and carry it – it’s going to come back to life. Its roots go down quite deep, I can’t just eradicate it. Try to get rid of it and it will find a way to come back.
Trying to get rid of it means war. It means fighting against the part of me that wants me to be safe.
That feels kind of ridiculous.
And I love that this part of me wants to keep me safe. So here I am, finding ways to help him feel better and give him a useful job to do.
And at the same time I am opening up and giving the parts of me that trust and flow and radiate and create more space. More room. More power. More say.
So things are being re-arranged.
And to help me through the re-arranging, I am spending a lot of time alone and doing a lot of creative journaling.
Inspiration, clarity and purposefulness are flowing.
It’s like a tidal wave of light roaring through ABCcreativity. Opening things up and changing them. Making them brighter and clearer and more magically sparkletastic. (Starting with adding a payment plan and 100% money back trial period to make the Creative Dream Incubator an easier thing for you to join. Continuing with all sorts of ideas to make everything about ABCcreativity easier, more accessible and more magically useful for you.)
And it’s like a tidal wave of healing roaring through me and my inner world. Release, shift, re-focus.
So, that’s where I’m at.
And I want you to know – if you’ve got a seedling of fear or doubt growing - it’s ok. We’ve all got it.
The Creative Dream Incubator starts on Monday!
The Creative Dream Incubator isn’t a regular course. You’re not learning basket weaving… this is a container for healing and transformation and growth. It’s super important that you feel comfortable and safe in it or else it’s not going to work. And you can’t really know how you will feel until you try it.
So you can try it out risk free.
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Any time during the first week of the Creative Dream Incubator e-course, you can let me know if it’s just not for you (you don’t have to tell me why, unless you want to) and you will get all of your money back.
And we’ll still be friends. It won’t be weird.
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yep yep yep…i am right there with you. I tell myself…the scared part of myself…..”i’m doing this for you”….a comfort mechanism that i use when i get stressed, worried, anxiety ridden about money and making this “work”. it somehow enables me to focus again, and be more calm about the process. trust me, i tell myself this a lot :)
I hear where your coming from.
As you probably know, I am also single and haven’t had a regular (as in all-year-round) paycheck and I am also without someone to fall back on.
What I can say is that you have have already proved an amazing amount of resilience, strength and wisdom and you will be fine.
Rock on Andrea! You’re on the right path. The Universe will always help you find your way as it is now.
Jenny
Hi Andrea
This is a great post. That little seed has been an ongoing part of my life, too, for over a decade. Right now there are four of us to support and I’m the only one earning – on a self-employed basis. Looking at the finances, we don’t have enough, and we don’t have anything to fall back on. However, I remember every time we have been in this spot (it ebbs and flows) and every time the universe has supported us. Life supports us. The bigger goal as you know is to create some incubation time for my husband to rebuild his self-employed business (which is going awesome!)
That freedom to follow our dreams is worth it, every day. I have a dialogue going also with that little seed. I don’t think that dialogue is going to stop, so it’s good to make friends with it and distinguish when it may need to be heeded and when it is just being overprotective ;-)
Your points are excellent. We all have a seedling that worries about us and wants us to be safe, and the unfortunate thing is that is can pull us back down and make us stick with ‘safe’ things that may pay the bills, but doesn’t feed the soul. I like that you’re looking for ways to work ‘with’ your seedling to find a place where creativity and money can both flow. Worry has a use; it alerts us to potential problems and gives us a chance to deal with it before it becomes serious. Too much worry, however, is immobilizing. I’m looking forward to reading more on how the seedling situation unfolds. :)
Celisa that is such a genius thing to say “I am doing this for you”. Love it!
Awww thanks Jenny. And right back atcha!
Helen it is great to make friends with it :) It is a really helpful little thing. I like that you brought up ebb and flow… since there is a natural ebb and flow to everything, I would assume the doubt feels safer in the flow times, so those might be the times to work with it more – when we’re feeling it less.
Thanks Cathy. I think integration is vital, we can’t pretend we feel differently than we feel – in the long run that always comes back to bite us!
Hi Andrea, I think it’s ok to work with doubts anytime. Your conversation sounds a lot like voice dialog work ( I think this is important in creative journalling even if it isn’t labelled That way). I think this is one way that creative journals are so powerful!
Oh Andrea–what a beautiful post. And I totally understand and relate.
When my little pod of doubts and worry start to bubble up–I do my best to let go of trying to make this work and instead latch on to the idea that this is all an adventure!!
And also–you know what else I do sometimes (when the adventure thing isn’t quite working for me)….I imagine the worst thing that could absolutely happen to me….then I figure out what I would do from there to get back on track and revive my dream again….then things don’t seem so scary.
Sending you loads of LOVE!!
BIG Hugs!
It’s great to hear that even sparkly you has doubts. :D Thank you so much for sharing. XO
It is one of the things I love most about creative journaling Helen!
Thanks Connie! Adventure! Oh that feels fantastic – bringing fresh fun new energy in. And yeah – it worse comes to worse – it still really won’t be all that bad. Sending loads of LOVE right back.
Oh Lee Ann your comment really made me smile. Yes. We all have doubts and we need to share them!
I was so glad you shared this and knowing how many of us share this feeling and that we can overcome them give them something else to do and let our free open feelings grow and be stronger.
Thanks Yolanda. Yes! We sure can overcome and grow stronger :)