Despair

March 23, 2015

My main project for this year is Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance – to do this work and see where it takes me.

The only way that depth work is predictable is that you can be sure it’s going to lead you right into the thing you want to explore the least.  This weekend, it led me to DESPAIR.

Despair often comes up in response to setting a clear intention to move forward.  Not because it’s an asshole and wants you to be miserable, but because your clear intention is asking you to deal with the despair that lives within you.

For me, this weekend, I noticed that one of the things that really bothers me about despair is how familiar the energy of it feels.  Like yes it’s always there, beneath everything else, waiting for it’s change to spring up and devour me.

And because I find the energy of it so uncomfortable, I avoid actually working with it.  Instead I focus on finding ways to feel better – which doesn’t change it or move it at all.  It keeps it right where it is in my inner world – it feels like kind of an underground river, only made of something much heavier than water.

So, I did what I am always telling my Circle members to do – I took it into the Un-Sticking Station.  This is what happened:

Oh, hello despair.  Wow, you ARE an underground river.  A very sad underground river.  That’s interesting – I didn’t realise you would be sad, I thought you were just mean and wanted me to be sad, but you’re the one who is sad.

(the river just kind of sighs and frowns)

Well, I’m sorry I have avoided you so much, you scare me.  But I didn’t mean to leave you here, all sad and alone.

I spread out my pink blanket on the grass and sit down beside the river.

“So, what do you want?” I ask.

At first, the river just looks sad.  I can’t tell if it knows what it wants but is shy about saying it, or if it doesn’t even know what it wants.  Then it shows me:

Light.

This was meant to be a river of light.  Flowing, underground, through the depths of my inner world.

Possibility and hope and love and light and all things sparkling and magical.

But every time I hoped for something and didn’t get it and my heart was crushed, some of that crush fell down and the river got a little muddy.  And I’ve been here for forty years so I have been crushed a few times and here it all is, clogging up the river with despair.

I just sit with that for a while.

The river starts to lighten up.

And I start to see how it was never really a river of despair.  It remains a river of light and the despair is just silt.  Really, anyone with a despair-magnet could just pull the despair out of the river and clean it right out.

And tiny little chunks of despair start to lift up out of the river and as the dust lands on the river banks and I notice something really interesting… the despair/silt can actually be used to build the river banks.  To hold and shape the river.  To direct the light.

I can use the crushing experiences to direct the river of possibility that flows through my inner world.

Will keep working with this in my Grow Your Depth journal…

(For Circle members: I’m going to post this in the Un-Sticking Station and update it there to hare how I work with it and what else I learn about it.)


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An ode to the shitty days.

March 19, 2015

an ode to shitty days

As I shared in my post about how my 20 year old dream is coming true,  I wanted to share stories and photos of my process as I make my deck of Magic Journaling Cards.

Today I was going to start writing about that and here I am – having a shitty day.

So I guess this is where I’m starting with the telling of my stories.

I have everything going for me on this project.  I have the time and energy and resources to get this done.  I have a fantastic plan that feels really comfortable and spacious and inspiring.  I have people emailing me letting me know they are “first in line” to buy the cards when they come out.

After many (many!) years of struggling and building – I have the IDEAL conditions in my life to bring this project to life.  But that doesn’t make it easy to do the work.

Some days it’s easy and fun and inspiring and amazing and everything just comes together.

Some days, like today, it’s so hard it feels impossible.

I feel terrified of failing.

I feel kind of hopeless about it, like even if I don’t totally fail I won’t be happy either.

I feel confused about those feelings because I have been so happy, inspired and trusting lately.

I feel annoyed that this isn’t easier by now.

I feel lost and unsure about what it is I actually want.

So is it any wonder that when I sit down to draw, I don’t like what comes out?  And when I look at the artwork I’ve already finished (artwork that I was in love with yesterday) I think it all kind of stinks?

Secretly, the shitty days are the best part.  They are the fuel that will bring your dream to life.

Some days, all the fear and doubt and pain and uncertainty piles up and you just can’t hide from it anymore.  This is a good thing.

When you’re hiding from it, it gets to take up space in your energy field, dulling your sparkle in a mostly unconscious kind of way.

(Often we’re not aware of how much we actually sparkle, we’re so used to the dimmed down versions we’ve been living.)

Shitty days shake that up.  They are gifts from the universe to help you see what you’re actually doing, beneath the surface.

This is when you notice how you’re still letting your fear of success shut the door on your greatest possibilities.

This is where you notice all the ways that you’re still avoiding your real feelings.

This is where you notice that a part of you is still sitting around waiting to be rescued.

This is where you notice how angry you really are about that thing that happened so long ago that you thought you were over it.

This is where you notice how much more power you’d have if only you would stop worrying about what other people think.

This is where you notice how much you’ve been holding back, afraid of being “too much”.

This is where you notice how frustrated you are about settling for less than what you really want.

The noticing is hard.  Feeling this stuff is shitty.

But it’s not as shitty as just leaving it there, taking up space in your energy field, where it impacts you every day in ways that you don’t even notice because it’s all so familiar.

Each shitty day knocks some of it loose, bringing it to consciousness where you have the choice to change it.

So that’s where I’m at right now with my new project.  Spending the day in the Un-Sticking Station in the Creative Dream Circle, transforming the fears and inner critics into allies and energy for bringing this project to life.

It’s not fun, but there are moments when I can feel a new lightness in my heart, when I can feel things starting to shift.  And I’ve been here often enough to know that I’m really going to like what I find on the other side of it.


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Why Journal?

March 18, 2015

why journal?

I was out with a friend, eating delicious cake and chatting and laughing when she asked me “So, why journal? What’s so special about it?”

I was so surprised, I nearly spit out my cake! Why journal? How could anyone not see the magic of journaling?

But as I tried to answer I realised I didn’t really have an answer. I mean, it’s not easy to explain with words – it’s a feeling. It’s about diving into the magic in your heart.

I told her I’d think about it and come up with a better answer so here I am.

Why journal?

Well, there is a different reason for every person asking the question.

Barack Obama, President of the United States of America:

In my life, writing has been an important exercise to clarify what I believe, what I see, what I care about, what my deepest values are. The process of converting a jumble of thoughts into coherent sentences makes you ask tougher questions.

In my friend’s case, she had a lot of questions about how she really wants to be living her life. But, in the whirlwind of daily life she feels like she has no time to step out of her day-to-day routine and take a look at what’s going on and what needs to change.

This is where a journal can totally help! By spending just 5-10 minutes a day with that question:

What do I want it to be like?

She can start to discover the answer. If she keeps coming back to it, for just 5-10 minutes every day, looking over what she has written and adding new ideas, she goes deeper into the question each day.

The depth of clarity you can find using this process is startling.

(And you can do this with ANY question you face in life.)

Why journal? Because your journal can help you go from having no clue about how to do something to mapping out a clear path to it, in only 5-10 minutes a day.

This is a way of accessing your creative genius.

Why journal?  Because daily journaling, over time, can help you:

  • Get to know yourself better
  • Process, heal and transform difficult situations in your life
  • Uncover your creative gifts
  • Feel more confident about yourself
  • Get clear on what you really want
  • Find your intuitive voice (and the courage to listen to it)
  • Make positive life changes

Just through the simple act of taking your thoughts, ideas and feelings out of your head and putting them down on paper.

My students continually report being STUNNED by how much magic they find in their journals.

Why journal? Because it makes you get clear.

Keeping your thoughts, ideas and feelings swirling around in your head keeps them vague. The act of writing in a journal turns confusion and uncertainty into clarity and vision.  It brings you back to your center, your power and your inner magic.

Of course, it won’t all be glitter and rainbows.  The act of getting clear includes getting clear on what needs to change.  It means facing your fears.  It means working through some really hard stuff, which is why I recommend taking quality journaling classes that can lead you through the hard parts (like mine!).

 Why Journal?  Because it brings you back to yourself.

Writing in your journal is quality time with yourself, you real self.  Not the roles you play or the patterns you  live in, but the real you.  It’s a spiritual and creative practice that will transform your whole life.

Want some help getting started?

Check out my free class in how to use your journal to grow your dream – Give Your Dream Wings.

Or my free ART journal class about how to get more creative in your journal – Dreamtastic Creative Journals.

 

Why Journal? Because it can change your whole life. Read More

Live Creative Dream Coaching Circle

March 17, 2015

Live Creative Dream Coaching Circle

I’m hosting a live Creative Dream Coaching Circle on March 24 at 5:00pm (Central, North America).

Bring your journal, a cup of tea and any questions you’ve got.

You can get in-depth coaching and support for healing fear and doubt, transforming obstacles and creating more of what you really want in your life.

But the best part is being able to listen in on other people’s process – I get The Most Inspiring People, Ever on these calls and there is this really beautiful magic feeling that comes out of exploring all of this stuff together.

This call is free for all Creative Dream Circle members.  (If you’re not a member yet, click here to join us today!)

If you’ve been thinking about joining – now is the perfect time, since you can use this call to ask me any questions you’ve got as you settle in.

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My 20 year old dream is about to come true.

March 11, 2015

I have had a creative dream for the past twenty years: to make decks of oracle cards. A kind of combination of Transformation Game and the tarot – but as a thing that you do by yourself, with your journal. A dream-growing consciousness-altering game of healing + transformation.

I do make custom-made original art inspiration cards for myself and my clients. And I do have a super fun class on making your own inspiration cards in the Creative Dream Circle.

me

But this is different.

Twenty years ago, I was wildly inspired by Amy Zerner’s Enchanted Tarot.  At that time, I was in university getting my degree in fashion design, and kind of crazy about all things textile art.  Amy had created SEVENTY EIGHT stunning works of textile art for the deck – a project that combined spirituality and creativity in exactly the way that I wanted to do. I was ridiculously inspired.

But. SEVENTY EIGHT stunning works of art? That is a lot of art to make before you can even begin to put the project together before you can even begin to think about getting paid for it. In my years after university as a starving artist I never had that kind of spaciousness in my schedule or finances.

Plus I didn’t want to make a tarot deck, my dream was develop my own thing and developing my own thing felt like just as big a job as making all that art.

The whole thing felt too big. And I didn’t feel ready. And the truth was – I wasn’t ready back then.

All dreams are connected through creativity and purpose.

It always makes sense to work on the dream that is right in front of you right now. This doesn’t mean that you are choosing one dream over another – working on one dream can nourish all dreams because they are all connected.

This is why I offer the Creative Dream Incubator e-course for all Creative Dream Circle members – it shows you how to approach to making your dream real in such a way that it will nourish and energize ALL of your other dreams – and grow you into a person who is ready to have more dreams come true in her life.  Because a lot of ways of making things happen (like working your ass off, sacrificing your joy and wellbeing today for future joy and wellbeing, waiting for “the right time”, etc) really just deplete you and leave you exhausted, stressed out and wary of facing your next dream.

So, I’ve been working with other creative dreams for the past twenty years – while growing my possibilities and growing my self.

And now here I am.  Ready for this dream that has been “too big” for so long.

This is a pretty awesome place to be.

And it’s so amazing to be actively working on this, after holding it for twenty years.

I’ve been working on it for five weeks now.

There aren’t even any words to explain how happy I am to be doing the work. To sit at my table, every day, and let it pour out, page by page.

I hung up strings across the Dream Loft to hang up my artwork so I can see everything together while I tried to figure out how, exactly, this was going to work.

I experiment and explored. (This includes what people thing of as making bad art and taking wrong turns – but is just a part of the process of experimentation.)

I felt creatively alive in a new way. I also felt frustrated and unsure of myself.

And, slowly, it started to come together.

I’ve still got months of work ahead of me, this is still a REALLY BIG PROJECT, but progress is smooth and steady.

And now that I’m seeing it all come together, I feel all lit up.

I want to share more about it – the pictures and stories of bringing it to life.  But right now all I an say is that having a dream is great.  But being right there in it, and DOING YOUR CREATIVE WORK EVERY DAY, that’s where the magic is.


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