Journaling

I woke up this morning surprised that it’s February.

I had meant to do my February reflection + visioning journaling page (from the Year of Dreams 2018 journaling kit) before Feb 1.

I wanted to step into February already knowing what I want and what I’m going to do about it.

Instead I just found myself here, by surprise, and feel flustered and annoyed.

So I printed out the February journaling prompts + calendar, sat down and cut and pasted. Cutting and pasting into my journal always calms me, like I am creating these little containers to process and plan and so everything feels a little less messy and confusing.

I flipped back in my journal to January’s page.

At first that was depressing because January did not go as I had wanted it to. As much as I want to stress that creative dreaming is about the process of living with your dreams, and not about guaranteeing end results – sometimes it sucks when those results don’t come in.

But then I looked closer and saw how some of my goals actually cancelled other goals out. And that I got a lot of the intangible things, like feeling aligned with myself and making space for new creative projects.

And also: making space for new creative projects was not a simple task like I had hoped it would be. It was more of a journey to the underworld kind of thing of clearing our fears, doubts and limiting beliefs so I could start with a fresh slate.

So the more I looked back on my wishes for January the more peaceful and grounded I felt.

Like yeah sometimes things won’t go the way I want them to. Sometimes I may work my ass off and not get the reward I wanted. Sometimes my dreams send me to the underworld for the better part of a month and that makes it hard for me to meet my goals.

But that’s never the end of the story. It’s just one month.

And I can reflect on that month, take the lessons and gifts and use them to map out the next month. Again and again and again and again.

The monthly pages are helping me feel more grounded and sturdy in my dreams.

I’ve been doing a weekly reflection + visioning process for years which I know helps me better understand the path I am on and how to navigate it. I feel like adding the monthly reflection and visioning makes it all more grounded and sturdy.

Even though I won’t get my February page finished on February 1, I love this.

When Self-Doubt Comes To Play

I am feeling debilitating self-doubt today.

This is never comfortable, but since I have not felt this way in so long, I feel extra un-prepared to handle it.

So I have mostly been trying to avoid it, which has resulted in me walking around with this pit in my stomach all day while I just get crankier and want to eat everything in sight.

It finally started to ease once I finally started journaling about how I was feeling which quickly led to me connecting the dots on what really had me feeling uncomfortable:

  • There are things that I want that I am embarrassed to want. So I am trying to pretend like I don’t want them. Wanting and not-admitting-to-wanting collide in some pretty uncomfortable energy.
  • After years of keeping my eyes on my own work, the past few months I have started following more creative people online. At first this was really inspiring and now I’m just feeling like everyone else is better/brighter/more focused/ etc, etc, etc and I am somehow “behind”.
  • Both of those things are amplified by the amount of time I have been spending working on the new website and other behind-the-scenes kind of work. I am aching to be doing more with my creative ideas.

Right now self-doubt is saying that everyone else has more energy for sharing creative ideas and that I am too sensitive, too slow, too weirdly ambivalent about being seen. So really I should give up.

This feels hard to hear because, deep down inside, I do worry that all of it is true. It triggers fear after fear, going deeper into that worthiness wound that we all have.

Usually I try to go right in and speak with my various inner critic/fear/doubt voices but this one feels too raw.

So I am doing my best to simply feel it and stay present with it. To that end, I am going to go take a bath with my self-doubt and see where this leads me…

Oh before I go do that I want to share that even while I have all of this discomfort something else is rising in me that I only notice when I sit and really feel how I feel:

Inspiration and enthusiasm!

A breakthrough on the horizon!

The growing truth that I have *so much* amazing stuff to share that it’s kind of scary.

Remembering about creative cycles of rest and renewal and expression and how this draw towards sharing more is the energy that starts to draw me towards the next part of the cycle.

(It doesn’t mean something was/is wrong, it means it’s time to shift into the next part of the cycle)

Off to that bath now…

[After the bath]

Well that went really poorly! The voice of self-doubt just got really mean.

So I cried for a while then just went to bed.

Now it’s the next morning, I am feeling much better.

Not 100% better – I feel like I moved through some of the emotional stuff that I was feeling but I didn’t actually do anything to transform it.

You know you have transformed the thing when you feel ready to move forward.

So let’s dive in. Hello self-doubt.

(To keep this somewhat clear – self-doubt’s words will be in italics)

Self-doubt shows up as the cookie monster. (Oh that’s funny my favourite doughnut shop has a new cookie monster doughnut)

But he’s not cuddly and happy like the cookie monster, his vibe is really more Oscar the Grouch. In fact, as I look closer – I think he is inside a garbage can.

I sit down beside him.

Nothing happens.

I look into his eyes and he looks absolutely terrified. He’s not a monster at all, he’s a frightened little kid.

“Oh I’m so sorry you’re scared. What can I do to help?”

Self-doubt hugs his legs, pulling his head into his knees, like trying to be really small. “I don’t want to do any of this. It’s scary.”

“OK, What’s “this”?”

“THIS!” Self-doubt gestures wildly around “EVERYTHING! I’m trying to pick up all the balls you’re dropping but it’s impossible!”

I sit with this for a few minutes. Yes I know what self-doubt is referring to. I’ve got a lot happening right now and I can’t do everything and so I am not doing everything.

“Which things are you The Most stressed out about?”

“You’ve gone quiet! You’re becoming invisible! You’re just working on stuff by yourself all day and not putting anything out there. Your blog, your Instagram, your emails – I mean your beautiful Dream Lab! There is so much you could be doing but you’re not doing it! You’re not inviting people to be a part of the magic of it all!”

“Yes you are right. I am focusing on getting the Year of Dreams + the new Circle website done. The next projects are the Creative Dream Alchemy kits + putting the work out there.”

Ugh. I know. “Putting the work out there” is such a lame way to describe what I want to do.

“See? You’re so disconnected from the project you don’t have a decent descriptor for it!”

***Ding! Ding! Ding!*** We found the problem***

I am pulling back from this project before I even begin it! Instead of fuelling my love and enthusiasm for it, I have been fuelling my ambivalence.

Self-doubt just disappears into a puff of smoke. He just needed me to see that.

My heart feels lighter. Transformation is beginning.

I see it now: Energetically I was on a path going in a direction I don’t want to go in, by pulling back from my ideas before even fully exploring them.

And I see what my next steps need to be: Map out what this project of “putting the work out there” means. Give it a suitable name, like: Inviting People To Be A Part Of The Magic.  Get in touch with the beauty and enthusiasm of it. LOVE it!

Oh wow I feel totally different now.

I just re-read the beginning of this post which I wrote last night. Yes – I don’t feel any of that any more. I get that this is a signal for me to shift and adjust and take action.

I can map out this vision for this project this week, then I will be holding it differently – even though I still won’t have much time to work on it for a while.

… One week later:

I wrote this post a week ago.

Today, looking back, I can see that it was this message from my self-doubt was exactly what I needed.

I’ve been inspired and on track. I have made creative progress. I feel more sure of myself. I feel good about my work.

In fact I am all lit up about my plans for 2018 and I’ve been working really long days because I’m just too inspired to stop working when dinner time rolls around.

Self-Doubt doesn’t have to hold you back. It can actually be a gift.

Working with self-doubt, releasing what is not yours to hold while receiving the message of it is actually Creative Dream Jet Fuel – it can propel you towards your dream.

We can do this together!

I am doing a (free!) creative dream obstacle-releasing ceremony!

It’s live online on Dec 19 – the recording will be available until Jan 9.

Get the details + sign up here.

 

 

Journal Party Nov 7 with special guest Melissa Fernandez!

I know I have not blogged in a while. If you follow me on Instagram you know I went on a really lovely vacation in Mexico.

I definitely needed the break. I’d been on Creative Overdrive since the summer, and taking this time off to lay on the beach and have fun actually helped me solidify a lot of the ideas I had been working on. Now that I am back home I feel a new sense of clarity and direction for my work.

But instead of diving back into my creative projects, I got really sick and spent the next week in bed. So today I’m just starting to feel better and am figuring out how to re-introduce myself to my creative projects.

I feel like I have hundreds of blog posts swirling around in my mind but I can’t quite get them out just yet.

So I am glad that I got everything ready for next week’s Journal Party before I went on vacation! (Getting my work done ahead of time is one of the things that allows me to get so much work done! It means I don’t do the work under deadline-pressure) 

Journal Parties are free, one-hour creative playdates where we hang out together with our journals and chat. I’ll pick a few journaling prompts to get us started and then we’ll just play together… journaling, chatting, exploring.

The magic of journaling plus the support of community.

Journal parties will happen live online on streaming video. Plus they’ll all be recorded so if you can’t be there live you can journal along with us while you watch the replay.

Even though we’re all in our own homes for this, it’s amazing how we all end up feeling less alone by the end of the hour.  Journal Parties are magic!

I’ll host them, and each one has a special guest (a journaling teacher that I admire) and *everyone* is invited to play with us!

If you haven’t been to a Journal Party before you can watch replays from past parties right here.

Our next journal party is happening November 7 and our special guest is Melissa Fernandez from Wild Earth Spirit!

This is going to be our LAST Journal Party. So if this is something you’ve wanted to try – the time is now!

—> Click here to reserve your spot now. (This gets you a spot in the live event plus access to the recording)

Melissa is an intuitive artist and brave guide. She soulfully, curates the magic of daily life to keep the fire going for those who are ready to own their powerful stories and sacred expressions.

—> Click here to reserve your spot now! (This gets you a spot in the live event plus access to the recording)

Creative Dream Oracle Message: Trust Yourself

creative dream oracle cards

All of the cards can have many different meanings (which can change from time to time) – when doing your own readings trust you gut and ask your dream about what the message means for you.

creative dream oracle cards

You are the expert of your dream.

It’s hard to trust yourself along the path to your dream since you are constantly coming up against your own fears, inner critics and limiting beliefs.

But it’s also imperative that you trust yourself.

Your dream is your dream for a reason. It didn’t pick anyone else, it picked you.

Yes, sometimes you do need to seek out advice and support from others to help you make your dream real. But right now you need to trust your own self.

What would you be doing differently right now if you really trusted yourself?

Creative Dream Oracle Cards: Messages + advice from your dream – any time you need it.

Click here to buy now

NOTE: I only designed the cards.  The cards are sold, printed and shipped in the United States by a company called Game Crafter. All questions about ordering and shipping must go through Game Crafter

Creative Dream Oracle Message: Take Action

All of the cards can have many different meanings (which can change from time to time) – when doing your own readings trust you gut and ask your dream about what the message means for you.

Sometimes you need to be patient. Sometimes you need to focus on the inner work. But right now – your dream needs you to take action.

Don’t wait for it to be perfect! Don’t wait until you feel sure of yourself! Don’t wait until you feel ready!

Take action. Now.

You really don’t have to know what to do. Somewhere inside you, you have an idea of what you would need to do to make your dream real. Go ahead and try that now.

It’s totally ok if you fall on your face!  Because that’s how you learn.

You don’t control the outcomes anyway – you only control whether or not you give it your best shot.

And if you keep getting up and taking action on behalf of your dream you’ll keep learning more about what to do and it will get easier in time.

For example – I learned how to sell spaces in my creativity workshops by putting on workshops and having no one show up. I looked at what I did and how it went, I shifted my approach, I tried again – and I started having creativity workshops with a few participants. I kept repeating this process until I had enough momentum to turn this work into my full time job.

It took years for me to do that. I wasn’t ready when I started. But I became ready by doing it.

You may not know what to DO on behalf of your dream. What would you like to try? Go for it – the time is now.

Creative Dream Oracle Cards: Messages + advice from your dream – any time you need it.

Click here to buy now

NOTE: I only designed the cards.  The cards are sold, printed and shipped in the United States by a company called Game Crafter. All questions about ordering and shipping must go through Game Crafter

Creative Dream Oracle Message: It’s OK If It Gets Awkward

All of the cards can have many different meanings (which can change from time to time) – when doing your own readings trust you gut and ask your dream about what the message means for you.

Nobody likes to feel awkward. So when it happens you tend to pull back. And in the process – you pull back from your dreams. And that’s probably not what you wanted to do!

So you need to question the response that says there is something wrong with being awkward

There is nothing wrong with it! Being awkward is perfectly fine. Being awkward means:

  • you are out of your comfort zone
  • you’re not sure about what you’re doing
  • you’re taking a risk
  • you’re being vulnerable
  • you’re trying something new – stepping into the unknown!

These are things you’re going to have to do on behalf of your dream!

A few years ago I went to my friend’s car to see her newborn baby cow. She was so sweet just curled up sleeping on the ground. When she tried to get up, of course her newborn baby legs couldn’t quite hold her. It was pretty awkward.

So should the baby cow just never learn to walk? Obviously she’s got to work through the awkward and learn how to stand on her own.

Yes – it will feel awkward at time. No – that doesn’t mean you should stop.

Right now your dream is asking you to stay with the awkward. Don’t pull back. What if you just keep going?

How can you give yourself some space to express your feelings around being awkward without pulling back from what you are doing that feels awkward?

Creative Dream Oracle Cards: Messages + advice from your dream – any time you need it.

Click here to buy now

NOTE: I only designed the cards.  The cards are sold, printed and shipped in the United States by a company called Game Crafter. All questions about ordering and shipping must go through Game Crafter

Creative Dream Oracle Message: Your True Self Is A Dream Magnet

All of the cards can have many different meanings (which can change from time to time) – when doing your own readings trust you gut and ask your dream about what the message means for you.

You always have a choice – to be your authentic self or to be who you think you should be, or who other people want you to be or who society expects you to be.

Showing up in your life as your authentic self can be a really scary thing – but only your authentic self has the power to make your dreams real.

So it’s scary but also totally liberating.

Right know your dream needs you to remember that your true self has the power to draw your dream into your life, so you need to focus on being as true as you can be.

Where are you NOT being your true self? What might you be able to do about that?

Creative Dream Oracle Cards: Messages + advice from your dream – any time you need it.

Click here to buy now

NOTE: I only designed the cards.  The cards are sold, printed and shipped in the United States by a company called Game Crafter. All questions about ordering and shipping must go through Game Crafter

Creative Dream Oracle Message: Just Go For It

creative dream oracle cards

All of the cards can have many different meanings (which can change from time to time) – when doing your own readings trust you gut and ask your dream about what the message means for you.

creative dream oracle cards

Stop hesitating. Stop planning. Just go for it.

Sometimes you need to rest and meditate and get in touch with the deep heart of your dream and sometimes you need to just go for it.

Don’t wait for everything to be perfect.

Don’t wait to feel ready.

Just go for it.

Go do the thing you’ve been putting off.

There is no question for you to ponder with this one. Get out there and take action on behalf of your dream!

Creative Dream Oracle Cards: Messages + advice from your dream – any time you need it.

Click here to buy now

NOTE: I only designed the cards.  The cards are sold, printed and shipped in the United States by a company called Game Crafter. All questions about ordering and shipping must go through Game Crafter

When what you want is hiding behind the thing you don’t want to look at.

(This is from the Dream Lab Playbook which is a free download. Sign up for the Dream Lab: Explore The Miracle Of Your Dream right here)

Usually when you can’t find what you want it’s going to be hiding in the last place you want to look.

Right behind that stuff you don’t want to face.

For many years I struggled financially as a “starving artist”. I never wanted to be rich or famous or anything. I wanted to be self-sustaining in my creative career.

Secretly, I also wanted to own my own home but that felt impossible given how hard it was to pay my rent on time.

(That seems funny to me now that I do own my Dream Loft as a self-employed creative and have paid down so much of the mortgage it’s actually cheaper than renting – but that’s how dreams work)

What I wanted was hiding behind ALL the stuff I didn’t want to face, specifically:

  • learning business stuff – marketing and sales specifically
  • being brave about asking for what my work was worth
  • trusting myself to build a business around my creative vision
  • being vulnerable enough to put myself out there
  • being brave enough to face my inner fears (that’s the big one – once I figured this part out everything else fell into place)

I was waiting for it to come to me. I wasn’t going out and getting it.

As much as I wanted my dream, I was really too afraid to go out and get it. And so my career as a starving artists eventually ended with me getting an office job.

Of course that job led to me becoming comfortable enough in my life that I became able to really go for my dreams. And here I am coming up on 8 years of successful self-employment.

So given what I have learned about how what I want is hidden in what I don’t want to face – why am I struggling with this right now?

Usually I am pretty willing to dive into the hard parts because I want the rewards of the work.

But today I’m sitting here feeling pretty stuck.

So that’s a good place to start. Let’s get to know my stuck.

Hello stuck!

(stuck’s words are in italics)

OK OMG turn off that music. I can’t think with that on.

Oh. That’s interesting. I was playing really different music than I usually do.

Yes – because it’s distracting you from your feelings. From me.

OK. It’s off. So hello stuck, can we talk?

Well sure but I see you are typing our conversation into a blog post draft and I don’t think that this is something we will want to share in that way!

OK. You know it helps me stay grounded in our talks to type or write it out as we go. Typing works better for intense conversations because it’s faster. Please don’t censor yourself for public consumption. Say what you need to say and I will edit as necessary (or not publish this as all!)

OK thank you for that reassurance. I’m angry that you have fucked up so hard.

Oh wow. OK. How did I fuck up so hard?

You lost track of the money.

Yeah I did. I mean – I’m in a new situation here! I am married after a lifetime alone. I am sharing money with my new husband. There’s a steep learning curve here.

You should know better.

Maybe. But that’s not helpful. And I am learning.

That’s true I don’t think you’ll do this again.

Well of course not. I mean we agreed that this way of doing it isn’t working and we have a plan for the new way. It’s just that this is how we’re handing paying for this trip to Mexico in October and we’re almost done so let’s just finish and then do things differently after.

I just can’t believe you could be so stupid.

OK COME ON. I made an honest mistake. I am adjusting to a lot of new stuff in my life – this slipped through the cracks. I am not stupid.

I am being mean because I want to impress on you how serious this is. You have to be smart with money. You know how many women – even today – end up stuck in bad marriages because they can’t afford to leave?

(stuck just went from angry and hard to really super emotional all of a sudden)

Oh yes I do know that. And I am not going to be one of them. I mean I have a great marriage. And I was 100% self-sustaining before getting married there is no reason to think I won’t keep that up.

Yeah I can see it’s not logical but still it feels scary.

Yeah. I get that. So what can I do to help? What do you need?

I needed you to see where you weren’t careful with money. And to take it seriously enough to stop doing it.

Yes – done. I mean you can see that no permanent harm was done right? I’m ok. I miscalculated something. I have the money to cover it. I don’t usually miscalculate but it’s ok. I don’t see a reason to get all paranoid about money now because of it. But obviously you were triggered in the process though.

Well I mean what about [thing(s) from the past we definitely don’t want to publish on the blog].

Oh. Yeah I had forgotten about that. Yes of course it makes sense that you got triggered then. I am so sorry. I promise what is happening now is nothing like that. I will always take care of you (and me).

So I’ve just been sitting with that, giving all the feelings that came up some space. The stuck has dissipated.

Where am I now?

Well I don’t feel stuck anymore. What feels clear now is:

The path to [what I want] goes right through [all the fears I have about why going after what I want will somehow destroy me].

OK yeah so the path looks daunting. As I sit with this I can start to feel how I have more fears about [what I want] than I knew about, like:

  • If I go for it as hard as I can I may fall on my face that much harder
  • If I fall on my face I may not be able to get back up
  • What I have now is so good what if I mess it up by going after more?
  • What if what I have now is all I can have?
  • What if I am not capable of creating what I want to create?
  • What if I am not as good as I think I am?
  • What if I find out that I just totally suck?
  • What if what I want to do pisses people off?

But as I list those fears another part of me is starting to wake up and get excited – the part of me who remembers how magical + transformative it’s always been to work through lots of fears.

What do I want to do next?

Well I feel way less stuck now than when I started writing this.

The situation that the stuck was upset about is not really related the thing that I want. But somehow I feel free-er to go after the thing that I want now that that stuck is un-stuck.

That is how stucks work sometimes.

So now I feel free to start working on [what I want]. While I feel more aware of my fears they feel smaller than my desire to do the thing.

If they get bigger and start to slow me down then I sit down and talk to them.

Sounds like a good plan.

If you are curious YES this kind of exploration is what we do in the Creative Dream Circle. There are tons of classes and resources to help you find the magic in your own fears and stucks.