Everything feels a lot less terrifying now. Over the weekend I felt a lot of things just snap into place.
I mean I am still exploring. But it feels more like exploration and less like stumbling around in the dark.
You know when you’re working on creative projects and suddenly it just clicks? Well I had some clicks where three different creative projects/ideas clicked together. So it feels like everything just opened up.
That’s a drawing I did this weekend.
I started with a way different drawing of three flowers that I wanted to turn into a repeating pattern, and then kept re-doing it, refining as I went.
It’s like a combination of intuitive art-making with traditional pattern design.
People are often surprised to find out that I have a degree in fashion design, but I do and pattern design was one of my favourite parts.
So working on pattern design now feels like coming back to my past self, but bringing all these resources to it.
Because back when I was pursuing pattern design it was a hard, hard thing to get into. I was working at the best job I could find that allowed me to do some designing with the promise of more but those promises never quite came through.
And, looking back what really surprises me is that I wasn’t designing patterns on my own. I was passionate about this dream but I wasn’t doing it.
I wasn’t designing gorgeous patterns in my spare time because I felt hopeless about this dream.
I didn’t see the path to getting my work out there, so I didn’t take the steps that were in front of me to take.
And the one person who I thought could help, the only person I thought I could rely on for support, my boss at that stupid job, didn’t want to help me, and so he didn’t.
I was 24 then. At 42 I see things much differently.
It’s up to me to do the work FIRST. Had I put my all into drawing all those patterns that were floating in my head back then – my path might have been a lot different.
Today I would never hang my hopes on someone else.
Your dream needs YOU. You have what you need inside you to create the opportunities you need. You don’t have to know how to do the whole thing, you just have to take the steps that are in front of you to take.
So, following the inspiration that has been opening up as I’ve been exploring this dream – I spent the weekend working on some pattern designs.
And it felt like I was coming back to this past-me. And bringing her healing and resources and showing her – hey look we can actually do this now. I have the resources and see the opportunities now.
So there’s this huge healing/blooming thing happening in my heart right now.
And I mean holy hell pattern design is a million times easier now!
Back then I had a home-made light box for tracing and re-drawing. I was so grateful that my mom helped me build it – but it got hot and was cumbersome to use.
Today I use my iPad pro and just add new layers and draw on top.
No uncomfortable lightbox, just snuggled up on my couch with the iPad on my lap.
Which is also a metaphor for how much easier my dreams are for me now that I have the benefit of 20 odd years of taking baby steps along that path.
So I’m at Starbucks this morning, working on the material for How To Grow Your Dreams While Surrounded By Dream Doubters and Negative Nellies.
Not being supported in your dreams is such a delicate thing. Sometimes we project our own fears onto other people because we don’t want to deal with them in ourselves. Sometimes we scare the people who love us when we take risks with our dreams.
Sometimes we wait for our boss to give us the opportunities that we need to create for ourselves.
Sometimes we are just are surrounded by jerks and need to do something about that.
So I am offering this call because of my dream to have this collection of coaching calls on specific topics to that people can just grab the one they need in the moment and get the inspiration/ideas/support they need to move through it.
I want to offer this not just for my people, but for my past self who struggled so much.
Not that I can remove the struggle with my classes and coaching – it’s more like I want to offer these as a way of saying – you are not alone.
It’s an act of healing to create the things I used to need.
I want that healing to ripple out and impact others who want it – but it has to start here, with me.
And it’s so beautiful – how I have been offering these works to my past selves who struggled with their dreams, that this old dream has come back.
And it didn’t just come back – it’s like all the drawing I have been doing for the past year and a half was the perfect warm-up for coming back to pattern design. So it’s like I am just seeing it now but it’s been here a while.
In fact last year I did make some drawings meant to be patterns for things I wanted to create and sell.
But the first round of test products went really badly. And I wasn’t sure what to do so I put it away to focus on things that were going well.
I mean we only have so much time and energy and we can’t do everything at once!
But your true dreams will keep coming back to you, as this one does with me.
And the other thing that is coming out of this process of exploring my dream – I want to blog more. And I have been, as you can see.
So I’ll see you back here.
PS: How To Grow Your Dreams While Surrounded By Dream Doubters and Negative Nellies is happening tomorrow! I hope to “see” you there.