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Notes from my journal: getting SUPER stuck and then falling into a new world of possibilities

I'm stuck! Like stucker than stuck.

For some reason I do not know what to do today, even though I have all of these clear lists mapped out in my project management software and I've had a really beautifully productive week, until this morning anyway. Hey stuck, what's happening? Oh I don't feel stuck, I feel contorted. Reaching out in too many different directions. Stretched thin and weird. I hate this. Wow. OK. I've been feeling so good lately, I'm so sorry I didn't notice how uncomfortable you felt. How long have you been feeling this way? I just want to take the day off and eat chips and watch Netflix. Yeah I can see that. How long have you been feeling this way? Since no answer comes to me, I breathe into this question and the weirdest thing happens - in one breath this "stretched out in all sorts of different directions gumbo-like figure" just de-stretches and comes back to itself. I sit with that for a few minutes and then it speaks: It's so easy to get discombobulated. Well yeah I hear that! So how can I help? Well I got that way because you are trying to go in too many different directions at once, so could you stop? I really do want to help you, but that's kind of the nature of the creative process, isn't it? Explore the inspiration? Follow the juice? There has to be a way to follow inspiration without getting all tangled up in it. Agreed! So where does it feel tangly for you? It's just too much to hold. Yeah, we don't need to hold it all though. Like I am STORING ideas and inspiration. And keeping it all pretty organised. No! No you are not keeping it organised at all! That's why I am so overwhelmed. That's why you're stuck right now - you don't know what to DO. OK so what do you want me to do? ORGANIZE IT. Make a map of everything you are doing and how it all fits together Ummm, I already have this map. Let's see (opens giant planning journal to find the map) OH. I see the problem. I made this map a few weeks ago and my ideas have already grown and evolved and so this map doesn't make a lot of sense today. MAKE A NEW MAP! OK, actually I don't think I need a NEW map I think I can add the details of what I have learned/discovered these past few weeks into this map. That feels much better to me - like I am not scrapping this and starting fresh, I am taking my next steps on this path. I want you to BURN THIS PAGE and start fresh. Why? It feels so uncomfortable like there are so many unknowns and I feel all this.... hope. Like really uncomfortable hope. Oh sweetie, you're hitting on the vulnerability of putting something new out there. It's slightly reassuring to remember that hitting this uncomfortable vulnerability is a thing that happens with dreams, I'm not just lost in my uncomfortable feelings. Good! Please tell me there is a solution to the uncomfortable feelings of hitting the vulnerability! Uhhh well the solution is to give those feelings some space, to feel them, to feel through them into the purpose and magic of why I want to do this in the first place. And also to look at if I need to slow down or scale back or something like that. Slow down! Scale back! All of it! No it doesn't work like that, I mean we have to take a good long look at everything, and give these uncomfortable feelings space - and out of that process truth will emerge. We follow the truth. What you want right now is to follow your fear. Oh right. We don't put fear in the driver's seat. No we don't.  So as I look at this map and consider why I can't figure out what to do right now I feel tremendous resistance. Yup that's me! I hate this. I don't want to do this. Why not? This next part is scary. Oh I feel that. Actually it feels like I am at the bottom of a pile of bricks. And the bricks are heavy and weighing me down. And I have to get up and move *every fucking brick* and make something beautiful out of them but today all I want to do is lie here under these bricks. As I offer love to this part of me at the bottom of the pile of bricks, this part of me kind of floats up above the bricks and the bricks turn into soft sponge bricks in all sorts of colours and patterns. Oh! The colours and patterns that I've been working on for new website are on the bricks: rainbow prisms, the cosmos, fields of flowers, the all-seeing eye of God. Now I'm sitting here on the floor with the piles of bricks - each brick holding different set of possibilities. And I can put them together however I want! I feel filled with light and inspiration. And now I see it: I'm stuck today because I *should not* continue working on the projects as I was. It's time to step back and add everything I have learned to the map and then re-structure my projects accordingly. Even though the creative process is messy + largely unknown, I need to keep mapping what I do know to help me see my projects more clearly. OK I'm getting to work now...