What is my dream anyway? [a peek into my journal]

What is my dream anyway?

Before we start I just want to point out that I have some creative journal prompts for finding your dream, if that's something you want to explore.

Here's the thing: You're not supposed to always know what your dream is.

In fact, if you are *always* super clear about your dream you're probably wrong about what your dream actually is. From the Principles of Creative Dream Alchemy:

  • Your dream is how your soul calls you towards your True Self.
  • Your dream will grow you.

When this kind of soul growth is involved, it is not possible to keep the end goal in sight all the way through the process.

Because when you grow in the way that your dream will grow you - you start to see things you couldn't see before. So if you only dream about a thing you can always see - that's not a dream. That's a goal - a thing you can clearly see that has a clear path leading to it. Goals are great but there's not a lot of magic in them. Your dream is magic. Your dream is your purpose, potential, authenticity, and creativity - expressed out in the world. Your dream is bigger than anything you can see right now. That's how dreams work. So when you can't see your dream clearly: that's a GOOD thing. I mean yes there are things you can do to try to get some clarity (I do have two classes on Dream Finding in the Creative Dream Circle) but expecting to always be 100% clear is unrealistic. That kind of clarity diminishes your possibilities to the things that you can see from where you are.

So not being clear is good. But what do you DO with that?

Because I think we all find a certain amount of comfort in clarity. And that's where I am today so I thought I'd share how I am playing with it. While engaging with my dream I am doing my best to remember and honour the Principles of Creative Dream Alchemy. That creates the framework for successfully engaging with my dream. And here's my journaling this morning: So what is the dream right now? I need to claim it clearly. Well the dream is to know what the dream is! Can I go deeper? Monthly revenue goal? Ugh that feels so stupid. And it feels like a lot of "to-dos" and "business nonsense stuff" and like everything I don't care about. But there is something in there that I do want. Can I look more closely in there? WHY do I want the monthly revenue goal?

  • Feeling heard/seen/understood in my work
  • Having my work be valued and appreciated
  • Feeling nourished by how I am sharing my work
  • Feeling nourished by how my work is received
  • Not second guessing myself so much
  • Showing up to work and knowing what to do

OK let's break this down and keep looking more closely for what I REALLY want here.

Oh, wait! Nothing I wrote about WHY I want it really has anything to do with money. Do I even want the money? When I sit with that idea of having Monthly Revenue Goal it triggers an avalanche of uncomfortable questions. No maybe I don't want the money. Where does Monthly Revenue Goal feel comfortable - like what number works? [sit with that for a few minutes] OK found a number. It's kind of a surprise as it's not that much higher than my actual revenue. But I am seeing that right now I don't want a lot more money as much as I want a new relationship with my work. And then each year I can increase the goal - but I mean see what just happened? That feels stupid again! Money goals do not inspire me, I just feel like I am supposed to have them because that's how we measure success in a business. And I feel like I am supposed to want to increase them every year. OK whoa! That's a belief that I don't need to hold onto. There are other ways to measure success. I mean yes I need a certain about of revenue to keep everything flowing but I already have that.

OK I feel this pull from this belief that: I am supposed to always want more and that if I don't that means I am failing.

Where does this belief come from? Oh it's a fear of not fitting in. Fear of being left behind. I give my fear a big hug. I remind it that I will always make sure to take care of things! I am actually really good with money I just don't want way more of it than I need. I mean not that I would say no if it was offered to me but pursuing it is not a thing that makes my heart sparkle.

OMG this is getting so tangly! Let's refocus here.

More money may be a part of my new dream. But it's not my dream itself. My heart doesn't sparkle for Monthly Revenue Goal. Let's just leave it at that and go back to what I was trying to do! Go through my list of reasons why I thought I wanted the Monthly Revenue Goal and explore each one further for clues.

Thing 1: Feeling heard/seen/understood in my work

Actually this has shifted A LOT since I put the new Creative Dream Alchemy framework out there on my website. It's changed how I can talk about my work, it's changed what kinds of new programs I can create. It feels like I took a BIG step towards aligning my work more with it's purpose and then took a BIG step towards sharing that in a clearer way. And I am seeing already in the response I am getting to my new work that I AM more seen, heard, and understood. And this is all new, I am currently acclimating to having this.

Thing 2: Having my work be valued and appreciated

Well I have always had this. It's like I  have this underlying human fear of NOT being valued and appreciated even though I am. So whenever I am uncomfortable or second-guessing myself or not sure what my dreams are this fear pops up. Hello fear that I am not valued and appreciated. I see you. I love you. I value and appreciate you. You have always helped me steer clear of situations where I am not actually valued and appreciated. This is not one of those though. So you can just go eat some cookies and take a nap!

Thing 3: Feeling nourished by HOW I am sharing my work

This is something I am still working on. Like - the way I share my work is so... what is the word? Sporadic? Random. It feels random. I share wherever I am at, I write what comes out of me, you know? I do want to go deeper into my inspirations, somehow. Like have more time just to make art to share. But I don't want to have a schedule of things I have to write about and share. That doesn't feel authentic to me, I want to share what I am actually inspired to share. OK actually I DO feel nourished by how I am sharing my work, for the most part - but something else about it is feeling off. I'm not sure what that is so let's put a pin in that and carry on.

Thing 4: Feeling nourished by how my work is received

Yeah I have this one too. I am consistently amazed by the people who show up in my classes! Sometimes, of course, when I share thoughts and ideas online I get responses from people who really don't get it. And when I engage with these people that doesn't feel good. I'd like to have ALL people "get it". This is not realistic or the kind of dream I want to give any energy to pursuing. But, when I encounter people who don't get it, what it sparks in me is a wish to be more fully expressed. To share my thoughts and ideas BRIGHTER. And that this brightness would make it easier for "my people" to get it, and it would actually just repel those people who are not on my wavelength and aren't going to get it. Like no hard feelings but if you don't really get my work, why engage with it? There are lots of other people to engage with. I think the more fully creative expressed we are the more we draw in the right people and repel the people who don't resonate with our work. I feel inspired to step up my level of expressiveness. This actually feels amazing and exciting and I want to go explore it right away but I also want to finish exploring my 6 reasons so let's continue.

Thing 5: Not second guessing myself so much

Oh! Here it is. This is what is really feeling off! A part of me WANTS to have a schedule for what to create + share because this part of me thinks I need a schedule in order to have my shit together. This part of me second-guesses how I just follow inspiration. Wow. I hadn't realised that. Because most of me wants to be free to follow inspiration. And most of me trusts the structure I have created here to hold it all. I mean I can see that it's NOT RANDOM AT ALL, when I stop and think about. I am sharing my own stories as I live what I teach. I am sharing what's actually happening on my own dream path. I can't make it up and decide ahead of time where I'm supposed to be on the path. OMG how ridiculous would that be? But, I mean, that's how most marketing happens, so I can see why a part of me was thinking I should do that. It's definitely not my way. If there is one thing I am really sure about when it comes to my work, it's that I have to walk my talk. And that means not just making sure to ACT in integrity with what I teach but to WRITE/TALK/SHARE my actual stories. (Like I had this one teacher who could never walk his talk, and I would always think: he doesn't really need to totally change how he's living his life, he just needs to change his talk to be more forgiving of the places where we're going to be human, you know? BE REAL.) OK it really helps to see this - the part of me who wants it to be all planned out is just plain wrong. There probably are SOME things I could plan out better or schedule - OH! THAT is an excellent thing to brainstorm about: What parts of sharing my work CAN I plan/schedule in a more organised way?

Thing 6: Showing up to work and knowing what to do

Ha! Well this is just kind of silly. Like when I had jobs all I ever wanted was to be self-employed. And now that I am self-employed some days I really do just want someone to come in here and tell me what to do. And 80% of the time I do know exactly what to do when I show up at work. I am actually really good at planning and project management - and have really good, sturdy systems for getting my projects done. But that other 20% - actually that time is NEEDED. Everything can't be super structured or else there is no space for growth and discovery! I need that open space to explore, but some days I just feel lost in it. And feeling lost is a part of all of this creative dream process too.

Anyone who always knows what they're doing and where they're going is NOT doing anything new!

OK I love how I circled back to what I was thinking about when I started this. So this desire to have everything be super clear and always know what step to take next is actually just a desire to avoid discomfort. And some parts of growth requires discomfort. Like the part where I'm at right now. I am willing to be uncomfortable in order to grow towards my dreams.

OK so where am I at now?

I still can't say, in a clear and concise way, what my dream is right now. BUT I do have a good question to brainstorm. Though I know that finding the right balance between structure and freedom in how I share my work is NOT my whole dream. It's just a thing I want right now in my daily work life. AND I know I feel really inspired to experiment with new ways to express myself. And this is a thing that my heart sparkles about! So that means it's a part of my dream. It will lead me towards where my dream wants me to go. OK so that's enough for now. I know I can work on this, follow the heart sparkles, and it's ok if I don't see the bigger picture right now.