So much is changing over here. How about over there?
All the things that are on my mind right now.. in the order they came to me as I was drinking my coffee this morning.
My furniture situation is hurting my heart.
Fifteen years ago I bought my first house, and nice, well-made furniture for it. And now that furniture really needs to be replaced. What kind of world are we creating where a person needs to replace this stuff every 15 years? I mean we're replacing everything faster and faster - computers, clothes, home appliances, cars. Everything. We're throwing out enough stuff to literally destroy the only planet we've got AND we're distracting ourselves from dreams, joy and meaning by devoting so much energy to this cycle of consumption. I mean it takes time to earn the money to keep buying stuff. All of this is hurting my heart right now as I look at my worn-out stuff. I don't want to keep furniture that isn't comfy anymore AND I don't want to keep buying new stuff. Me buying second-hand (which is what I intend to do from now on) means I stop being as much a part of the problem but it sure doesn't solve the problem.
I'm tired of talking about the condo sale and new house.
The condo market is absolutely flooded. It's going to take some time to find a buyer for the loft. We are doing everything we can do. We've accepted this, we are happy living here until we find a buyer. But I am really tired of having this same discussion repeatedly. I think people get kind of freaked out hearing about it - like OMG what if I need to sell my house one day and I can't? Surely that can't happen! Surely Andrea is doing something wrong to block the sale of her home. I need to find out what she is doing wrong so I can feel safe knowing that I will never make that mistake. No, this just happens sometimes - more often with more unique homes of course. Then there's the second conversation that happens around the choice we've made to buy a duplex or triplex and live in one suite and rent the other(s). My first house was a duplex. I have seven years of experience of being that kind of landlord and I am actually really good at it, in that I can create a nurturing atmosphere for everyone in the home. It works. But, repeatedly, people with no years of experience doing that want to tell me all about why they think it's a bad idea. Each conversation means engaging with that person's reaction about the situation, and all of the unsolicited advice that comes with that, and I'm just tired of it. I know what I'm doing. I trust myself and I trust the process of life - we'll find the right buyer at the right time.
Something big is changing in HOW I do my work.
I am coming up on my eight year anniversary of doing the Creative Dream Incubator full time and a LOT has been changing. Seven is a magic number for me, so I knew my seventh year with the CDI would be magical though it has really exceeded my hopes about that. This year I re-structured the work itself in creating the Creative Dream Alchemy framework.
What's happening now is that the WAY I work is changing. When I first started doing this full time - it was scary! Like suddenly having every day just wide open for you and your dreams sounds amazing at first but then you have to figure out how to structure everything! I needed routines to help ground me in my workdays, so I started working out of coffee shops. Over the years this has helped me *so much*. This routine of waking up early and going out for coffee with my journals and laptop has definitely helped me be consistently productive over the years. But now that's changing. It's starting to feel off to be working outside of my own creative space - like before having the background din of the coffee shop helped force me to focus on what I wanted to do. Now it's feeling like I need to be more immersed in my own energy. Not that either way is better than the other just that what fits me best right now is changing. And change is often awkward to navigate. And - further complicating my feeling about how quickly things get replaced in our world - I replaced my 4 year old MacBook Air with a new MacBook Pro and I am really really glad I did. And I got a PURPLE GALAXY cover for it! (in the photo above) I also got wireless noise cancelling headphones which are made of magic. As a highly sensitive person with highly sensitive hearing I can't believe I didn't get these sooner. They even stay tight on my head so I can wear them while doing yin yoga or meditating.
Bear keeps blossoming.
About a month ago he developed separation anxiety, he would cry for 10 minutes whenever I would leave the house. I got him a pheromone collar which helped almost immediately. He keeps becoming more playful and affectionate. Often when I hold him like a baby he'll put his paw up onto my cheek. So sweet! I am so grateful for his presence in my life.
I feel like I have so much to say but when I sit here to write nothing comes out.
The weekly videos are helping, I think. I mean I feel like I want to do daily videos to talk about all the things I want to talk about. But I think getting into the practice/habit of doing a weekly video is the right pace for opening up that communication channel for me. And I think the weekly videos will lead to other things. My dreams always come to me as BLUE winged beings right now. Dragonflies, butterflies, other flying bugs, dragons. Blue is the colour of the throat chakra - communication and creativity. This has always been my weakest chakra. Surprising, right? But I think life set me up that way so I had to really work on it to overcome a lot of resistance to using my voice and trusting my creativity so that I would be able to do the kind of work I do. Until the blue winged beings started showing up I had forgotten about how shut down my throat chakra used to be. And right now it feels blocked again - even though I am actually speaking + creating quite a bit inside the Creative Dream Circle, I just haven't been doing it in public as much lately. And this block feels related to the shift in working more from home. Like something new is ready to come and I need different routines to be able to bring it to life.
Navigating all of this is equal parts exciting and awkward.
I've been in similar places before, where it feels like everything is shifting. I can't always see or understand what's happening while it's happening. I can just notice what's falling away and what's coming in. Pay attention to my feelings. Give myself space. Right now I can't say with any clarity or certainty what my next dreams are. In the greater sense my dream is what it always is: to move towards my true self. I believe as I grow towards my true self my potential grows as well, so this is a continual process of growth and evolution, it's not a destination to arrive at. Sometimes I lose sight of what I want it to look like in the Outer World and that is really, really good. It means I'm allowing things to shift, I'm letting my dreams show me new possibilities instead of being so controlling about wanting it all to look how I want it to look.
Oh that reminds me of the other thing that is changing: my marriage.
We are 1 1/2 years in now. Guess what? It turns out I can't make it look like how I wanted it to look like ;) I mean I am shifting from looking at the things he does that I want to change (like washing dishes on his timetable instead of on mine, leaving clothes where he wants to leave them instead of where I think they should be) I am starting to turn my focus around and look at me. I mean hallelujah yes it's about time. What if there is a golf shirt on the floor in my bedroom right now? Does that really need to irritate me? If so, why? I mean it can get pretty juicy to explore our internal reactions to things. This is where growth comes from. So instead of focusing on getting him on board with my vision of what the house should look like, what if I focus on this juicy exploration of my own internal reactions? You know what the first thing I noticed was? That I, too, leave clothes on the floor sometimes. And I, too, don't always wash dishes immediately after using them. I mean how fascinating is it that I am irritated by my husband's actions which are the exact same as my own actions? The magic of living with a living mirror. I feel uncomfortable talking about people-who-are-not-me. So since I mentioned a few of my husband's less-than-ideal habits I want to add that he's actually very considerate. This morning when I woke up all the dishes were done (last night he was cooking his lunches for the week to take to work). And last week he surprised me with the cookie sheets I wanted. He'd been stopping into second hand stores for weeks to see if they had them, and finally found exactly the old-school-will-actually-last cookie sheets I wanted.