Everything is falling apart
Sometimes what is needs to fall apart in order to make space for what's next. I have a feeling I am in a falling apart phase, and I have been fighting it with everything I've got. I HATE THIS.
My website was hacked three times in just over a week. I'll spare you all the dramatic stories about that part - it was awful.
Then I decided to move my website to a different platform that won't be as easily hacked. I was actually going to make this move at some point anyway, and it just started to seem like "some day" should be sooner than later.
But in the move there was an issue that was making things on my blog pretty weird. It's pretty uncomfortable to have a public blog be all weird and not be able to do anything about it. It took two weeks for the issue to be fixed... and then in the fix for that issue, ALL of my photos were lost.
Now: I've been building organic traffic to my website for years through my blog posts. Some of them do really well on Google and Pinterest, and provide a steady stream of traffic that makes it easier for people to find me. This is a big part of how I support myself with my work. The really popular posts DEPEND on the photos. Without the photos, the posts stop becoming popular and my traffic streams dry up.
After building these streams up for 10 years, it's REALLY hard to watch them fall apart. And there is nothing I can do.
I'm sitting with this today. I feel scared and angry and powerless. I keep just sitting here crying.
My husband is trying to console me and remind me that we'll be ok even if my business fails.
I am so grateful for his love and support. And it doesn't help.
I mean it's not the money that is worrying me anyway. I'm not concerned that my business is falling apart. I DEEPLY trust my purpose and potential and the work I'm doing in the Creative Dream Circle. That's not going anywhere.
It's that my heart hurts. I put out all of this creative work - it all meant so much to me and it keeps falling apart.
And writing that out I see: No that's not what is hurting my heart. In fact I routinely throw away and/or burn old artwork which I find really satisfying.
No maybe it's truer to say it hurts to feel powerless. To have a thing I built be taken from me. To just watch it fall apart and not be able to stop it. CHOOSING to burn an old painting is really different from having my blog fall apart without my direct involvement.
Of course a big part of me judges this part of me for feeling hurt about feeling powerless. Like it doesn't make sense, like I shouldn't feel THIS hurt and scared and angry about that. I mean we are quite powerless in some ways, that's a fact of life.
And another part of me wants me to just wait and see how this pans out before I have any feelings at all about it.
But I feel what I feel. And when I validate my feeling and give it space it's like I can feel beneath it.
Beneath that feeling is something else.
When I say beneath I mean - on the other side of. Once I feel through a feeling it changes into something else.. usually something much more connected to my inner truth.
Beneath all this hurt and fear and anger is this deep calm and sense that it's time to step away from what was and step into what will be.
Like I am at a turning point.
And I thought I understood what this turning point was all about. But I was 100% wrong.
There is something new calling me. I can feel that, but I can't see what it is yet.
That's the thing about the things that fall apart: we don't get to pick. We are not in control.
Your dream is here to grow you.
This is what that kind of growth looks like sometimes. Messy and hurty.
No one just skips happily into their Full Potential True Self.
But, again, when I keep sitting with this feeling and feeling THROUGH it I feel so much power and optimism growing there. A whole new world.
That's what the falling apart times have to offer: a whole new word of possibilities.
But first: letting the things that are falling actually fall. ICK.