On being in love with your creative work while being muzzled by self doubt and trying to find a way through...
(This is artwork from a new deck of Journal Cards for Dreamers I'm working on)
I'm holding my self doubt in a bubble of love.
I am just trying to will my self doubt to go to sleep.
Just lie down, go to sleep, and stop taking up so much space so that I can go back to feeling inspired, confident and excited about my next steps.
This is NOT how I'm supposed to do this. I know that Creative Dream Alchemy is NOT about forcing things into place, it's about making space for the magic that is already there. Feeling THROUGH the feelings to get at your magic, not trying to obliterate them.
But I just so desperately want to feel the opposite of what I am feeling this morning.
I feel like the self doubt is not VALID because it isn't rise up in me naturally - I triggered it by reading awful things that people are saying online about an artist I love.
Some of the things they're saying may even be true, but, being people on the internet, they are being more mean than they need to be. They are DELIGHTING in tearing this person down.
And today, the day when I wanted to start talking about my new thing, well today is not a good day for me to read this.
Except everything happens on purpose.
I mean - no I don't believe that about ALL things.
But I do believe it about my own personal process. I don't think it's an accident I found that awful stuff right when I am where I am right now, which is:
- at the end of a long process of improving my work, re-aligning deeper with my purpose and potential
- EXCITED about marketing and visibility and sharing these gifts with the world
- INSPIRED by my new routines I am creating around ongoing marketing practices (now that's a sentence I never thought I'd say!)
- IN LOVE with my work and excited to share it more widely
- feeling more in tune with my purpose and potential than I ever have
- feeling more SURE of my place in the world, and my work's place in the world, than I ever have
I am more ready than I have ever been to step up, be seen, and share my work.
My self doubt is sitting in the bubble of love, with arms crossed, looking at me expectantly "Don't you see it? OF COURSE I'm here. OF COURSE I'm a part of this."
I think about everything self doubt and I have been through through the years.
It has been a part of EVERTYTHING I have done. And the truth is my self doubt has HELPED me more than it has HINDERED me.
Another truth is this isn't a relationship I can get out of anyway.
So how do I move forward WITH my self doubt?
Self doubt blows me a kiss "Same way as always, silly."
By feeling my feelings. By making space for what is actually here: self doubt AND excitement AND plans I want to act on AND frustration AND exhaustion AND a wish that this was all easier.
A genie pops out of his bottle to interrupt "Uhhh, no you don't wish this was easier. This could only be easier if you stayed on the surface of everything, avoiding your feelings which means avoiding your magic, power, creativity, purpose... you know, all that stuff you NEED to do your work?"
OK yeah steamrolling ahead regardless of how I feel is not my style. I just....
I don't know.
I hate this.
Oh wow. I did NOT want to write that or admit or to myself but yeah. I hate this.
And there is POWER in admitting the truth of how I feel.
I hate how I feel, I hate that I have to be PATIENT with my self doubt in order to work through it.
Self doubt is now giggling in her bubble of love. She LOVES this.
The genie is dancing.
I'm sitting here, arms crossed, with a "I DON'T WANT TO" look on my face.
After five deep breaths, just making space to feel how I feel, I start to feel calmer. The self doubt and the bubble of love and the genie fade away.
I'm just here with me. Feeling not ready.
I've been preparing to take these steps for a long time. Getting the foundation in place.
OF COURSE it's hard to shift out of that zone into the zone of DOING THE THING.
So - baby steps. I do feel ready to take some baby steps. And I have enough experience that I can trust that I will baby step my way into the flow.
We don't have to feel ready to leap head first into our dreams.
But we are ALWAYS ready to explore this stuff, and experiment with new ways of honouring our truth while showing up for our dreams.
So I will just whisper to you...
that the NEW Creative Dream Circle is open with a monthly membership option!
The Circle is where I show up for my dreams, every day, and I hope you're going to join me here.
I started the Creative Dream Circle in the summer of 2012 and since then have worked hard to make sure it is the absolute BEST support system for doing the multi-faceted healing and growth work that your dream demands.
And now, the summer of 2019, as we (and yes we do still have lots of our original members from 2012!) celebrate seven glorious year of healing, transformation and growth, I wanted to make it easier than ever to get in on this magic.... so I opened up a monthly membership option!
You can join the Circle for $33/month. You get access to EVERYTHING. You can cancel any time.
Daily miracle masterminds. Weekly journaling + alchemy kits. Monthly deep dive alchemy + coaching calls. Plus access to my entire library of classes, tools + resources.⠀
Deep ongoing support for your growth. Available on demand.