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Self Doubt Challenge

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I am challenging myself to:

  • explore this foggy layer of self-doubt that I am starting to see around me and noticing that it's holding me back a lot more than I realise
  • share this process in weekly blog posts until it feels complete

My tool: the Self Doubt Relief process

This is a 20 minute alchemy process I created for bringing in healing and then transforming your pattern of self doubt - creating a new relationship with the part of you who doubts you.

This doesn't all happen in 20 minutes of course, it's a practice. I'm doing the practice today, then will keep working with it until it feels complete.

Self Doubt as ADVERSARY.

In the video, the way I set it up is VERY loving and gentle - making space for deep healing to happen.

While watching the video I struggled with this loving approach which made me realise - I have a VERY adversarial relationship with my self doubt.

Intellectually I know that the part of me who doubts me is a sad, scared inner child who is trying to keep me safe. Because I know this, I do try to have supportive relationships with all of my inner beings - even when they're being total assholes to me.

Like a child throwing a tantrum, I know they need love and support to find solid ground again.

I'm realizing that I am already deep in the shadows.

Because my conscious relationship with my self doubt has been quite supportive - I'm trying to help this part of me heal. I come up against it often and send it love and healing and help it feel safe...

But this is different.

A new layer.

I'm seeing that beneath that conscious surface level relationship with my self doubt, there are other things happening: that there is a place where I try to punch it down, every time it tries to speak.

I'm fighting against the self doubt.

This is BAD. An internal war with self doubt manifests in the external as "trying to prove yourself"

"Trying to prove yourself" is NOT in alignment with VALUING your gifts and sharing them.

Remembering that we are fabulously multi-faceted beings so we have MANY PATTERNS running at once. This is not EVERYTHING that I have been doing, but it is a thread that's been running through.

Oh now it all makes sense.

My dreams have been leading me towards new ways of sharing my gifts, putting myself out there more and in different ways. I'm inspired and excited about all of this.

What it feels like is happening is that this deeper layer of self doubt has always been there but I have never pushed up against it before because I have stayed within the comfort zone that the self doubt designated.

Now that I want to move beyond that - there is trouble.

So this is what I realized in the first minute and 15 seconds of the Self Doubt Relief video, now back to it...

My self doubt shows up as a gremlin, small and tough and really dirty because it lives down beneath the surface.

Self doubt says: "You won't win this"

I feel exhausted, just totally worn out by the thought of working with this monster. I consider getting a shovel and buying it down even deeper so I don't have to deal with it right now.

But I know that's not the way through.

I sit down in front of the monster. I know I am stronger than it. I know love is stronger than fear. And especially love bolstered by inspiration and purpose and DREAMS.

When we have our meeting, self doubt has changed into a frog. When I put him into the jar of love and healing - he turns into a prince.

And this is when the sun rises enough to hit my neighbour's window which is at a 45 degree to mine and the sun reflects in and hits me in the face. It feels like such a magical moment...

I appreciate the fairy tale moment but I don't really have any use for a prince.

The prince turns into some kind of executive, wearing a suit, working on his laptop - still in the jar of love and healing. He's typing out a contract. He wants me to succeed, and he wants me to do it right.

I feel something opening up inside me. Like something inside me that has ALWAYS been closed is now open.

I don't have to prove myself.

There is nothing to fight.

In this moment it feels very simple: when this part of me is rooted in love I am free.

Moving on in the video, now we are working with the quality of trusting your creative gifts. Holding this quality feels different than it ever has before.

It's like... well it's like an elevator opening up, like a DEEP elevator like in a mine. And it's bring me DEEP inside myself. Usually the quality of trusting my creative gifts brings me into a more expansive and inspired state, this is bringing me into this deep connected state.

Now I am deep down in the fire in my belly. Trusting my creative gifts is POWERFUL in a way that I have never experienced power before.

I am remembering:

  • the magic of connection: as fuel for sharing my creative work + ideas
  • the magic of authenticity: as my north star for how I want to be in the world
  • how very free I actually am

I am feeling this fire in my belly, as the fire of the creative womb.

I am ready to create.

As I said, I am challenging myself to:

  • explore this foggy layer of self-doubt that I am starting to see around me and noticing that it's holding me back a lot more than I realise
  • share this process in weekly blog posts until it feels complete

So I'll see you back here next week.