As I shared in my post about how my 20 year old dream is coming true,? I wanted to share stories and photos of my process as I make my deck of Magic Journaling Cards.
Today I was going to start writing about that and here I am – having a shitty day.
So I guess this is where I’m starting with the telling of my stories.
I have everything going for me on this project.? I have the time and energy and resources to get this done.? I have a fantastic plan that feels really comfortable and spacious and inspiring.? I have people emailing me letting me know they are “first in line” to buy the cards when they come out.
After many (many!) years of struggling and building – I have the IDEAL conditions in my life to bring this project to life.? But that doesn’t make it easy to do the work.
Some days it’s easy and fun and inspiring and amazing and everything just comes together.
Some days, like today, it’s so hard it feels impossible.
I feel terrified of failing.
I feel kind of hopeless about it, like even if I don’t totally fail I won’t be happy either.
I feel confused about those feelings because I have been so happy, inspired and trusting lately.
I feel annoyed that this isn’t easier by now.
I feel lost and unsure about what it is I actually want.
So is it any wonder that when I sit down to draw, I don’t like what comes out?? And when I look at the artwork I’ve already finished (artwork that I was in love with yesterday) I think it all kind of stinks?
Secretly, the shitty days are the best part.? They are the fuel that will bring your dream to life.
Some days, all the fear and doubt and pain and uncertainty piles up and you just can’t hide from it anymore.? This is a good thing.
When you’re hiding from it, it gets to take up space in your energy field, dulling your sparkle in a mostly unconscious kind of way.
(Often we’re not aware of how much we actually sparkle, we’re so used to the dimmed down versions we’ve been living.)
Shitty days shake that up.? They are gifts from the universe to help you see what you’re actually doing, beneath the surface.
This is when you notice how you’re still letting your fear of success shut the door on your greatest possibilities.
This is where you notice all the ways that you’re still avoiding your real feelings.
This is where you notice that a part of you is still sitting around waiting to be rescued.
This is where you notice how angry you really are about that thing that happened so long ago that you thought you were over it.
This is where you notice how much more power you’d have if only you would stop worrying about what other people think.
This is where you notice how much you’ve been holding back, afraid of being “too much”.
This is where you notice how frustrated you are about settling for less than what you really want.
The noticing is hard.? Feeling this stuff is shitty.
But it’s not as shitty as just leaving it there, taking up space in your energy field, where it impacts you every day in ways that you don’t even notice because it’s all so familiar.
Each shitty day knocks some of it loose, bringing it to consciousness where you have the choice to change it.
So that’s where I’m at right now with my new project.? Spending the day in the Un-Sticking Station in the Creative Dream Circle, transforming the fears and inner critics into allies and energy for bringing this project to life.
It’s not fun, but there are moments when I can feel a new lightness in my heart, when I can feel things starting to shift.? And I’ve been here often enough to know that I’m really going to like what I find on the other side of it.