I feel like have been going in circles with my dreams.
I want to do _____ but I'm stuck about where to start.
I am inspired to ____ but I can't start today of course, I'm so overwhelmed.
I would love to______ some day when I have more energy.
It's all these signs of burnout.
All year, I've been bringing these questions to my therapist that center around the idea: how do I go back to how I WAS?
I want to be more resilient. I want to have the energy and ease and creative flow and enthusiasm and confidence that I had 2 years ago.
My therapist has yet to offer a magic pill about that.
She moves the conversation towards "how do I accept that I am where I am, and what do I need to take good care of myself here?"
But I haven't wanted to be here.
When you can't be where you are, you can't move forward either.
I don't need my therapist to tell me that, that's something I have said to almost event client in the last 12 years. The trick to dreams is being present where you are AND being present with the dream. Being the portal.
I don't have the energy to portal.
But I still dream.
And this has kept me in a hampster wheel.
But you know what?
This feels right.
This feels like the right way to respond to what's happening in the world.
Nothing can grow always forever. There are times of rest and falling apart. And decomposition even.
Compost for future dreams.
I am swimming in compost.
And actually, if I'm being honest, I do have more energy, clarity and enthusiasm than I did 6 months ago.
It's just that - inspiration and vision don't take a break.
My dreams speak to me as clear as ever but my ability to respond is not what it was.
Almost 2 years of being caught between these two things is very frustrating.
Naming it helps.
I don't want to disconnect from my dream. I want to keep holding it, and moving towards it at the pace that works for where I am right now.
And I want to remember that this part of creative dreaming is ALWAYS frustrating because we NEVER move as fast as our dreams.
But right now, it's especially frustrating.
Which actually presents an opportunity.
This frustration, the way it rubs you the wrong way, the stuff it triggers - being ESPECIALLY frustrating means you get ESPECIALLY triggered which means you have an ESPECIALLY clear view into the deeper stuff in you that needs healing in order to be able to get to your dream.
It sucks, but it's true.
For me this means spending more time in the Un-Sticking Station (in Dream Book).
Which is giving me all new insights about those shadowy places where I hold myself back while convincing myself that I am doing everything I can.
Which is helping me clear some inner stuff that I didn't even know I had a few years ago.
Which means... I AM swimming in compost. And planting new seeds everywhere in this exceptional soil.
So much is possible from this place, even when so little is happening on the surface.