I hit (another!) pandemic wall on the weekend and I did the things that help best when I am in Full On Overwhelm. I finished my day with a hot lavender bath, I did yoga and meditated, and I went to bed early.
Normally, this helps me wake up the next day ready to take on the world. Yesterday, I woke up still crabby. And as my day went on I stayed crabby - even though I was doing all the things that usually help.
My husband (who is STILL working from home) noticed, of course, and towards the end of the day came upstairs to tell me a silly story in the hopes of cheering me up. That's when I started crying.
"Sweetie, what's wrong? I'm trying to cheer you up."
I realised later, that it was because I was touched by him trying to cheer me up, that I finally felt some of what I was actually feeling. That all that crabbiness and overwhelm was really more about having-so-many-feelings-I-can't-feel-anything and being all bottled up, emotionally.
And expecting my usual self care routines to take care all of this right now is unrealistic. I need more.
That's the breakthrough. To look for ways to double my self care.
The best breakthroughs seem boring and obvious once you've had them. But nevertheless, they change everything.
So I doubled up on my self care practices and gave myself more space to be where I am and I woke up this morning feeling more clear and grounded and I am remembering - we just had 3 weeks of brutal winter weather, and everything is still closed.
Normally, I can go for walks in brutal winter weather. In -40s, I can bundle up and go for a 30 minute walk - I'll just be cold by the end of it. So I walk to a coffee shop/bakery with a wood fire oven. It's toasty warm in there, and in the coffee shop section they've got huge sunny windows and dozens of plants. The warmth, the sun, the plants, the coffee, the treats, the whole place smelling like whatever's baking - it's a pretty epic spot to do some journaling and writing. Plus I warm up enough to walk 30 minutes back home, no matter what the weather.
Bundling up to walk 15 minutes from home, then turn around and walk back, just doesn't have the same feel to it, you know? So I haven't been bothering to do it, and now I'm feeling the effects of not getting out at all.
Last weekend we went to my friend's farm.
Normally, my friend and I would have lunch or coffee together at least every other week, since she works in the city.
My husband is a traditional Cree medicine person. He received messages from some spirits who needed to be fed, so he needed space to have a sacred fire. So I spoke to my friend at the farm and she offered her space - provided we didn't go inside her home.
We were only there for about 2 hours, but it was AMAZING to see my friend again and just sit around and hang out (it was a warmer day and we had the fire going).
It was after that, that it hit me how much I've lost. And how very much I miss my people.
This turned up the volume on the I-Have-Too-Many-Feelings-I'm-All-Bottled-Up thing that was happening. It pushed it all over the edge.
It was my little breakthrough that helped me see this differently, helped me be more compassionate with myself. "Oh sweetie. Of course you're crabby. Look at what you've lost. Of course you're sad."
And now I feel ACCEPTING of my feelings. Like they're not all bottled up and I am not on the verge of exploding. I can just slow down and be more patient with myself.
It's a subtle shift in focus.
A shift from: "just keep going, you are one of the lucky ones, you have everything you need to get through this ok" which was only creating a backlog of un-felt feelings in me, which was making everything harder than it already was.
To: "Sweetie this is HARD, make space for all of these feelings" which helps me be more deeply present with ALL parts of me which plugs me back into my superpowers which is the thing that will actually help me move through this best.
And let's me clear: I knew this. I KNEW BETTER than to do what I was doing.
The breakthrough didn't teach me something I didn't already know.
It put me back in touch with that inner knowing in a way that it really LANDED.
And then I was able to make that change.
And now everything feels different for me. I have all these new options for how to move forward.
The BREAKTHROUGH Alchemy Coaching Circle is this Saturday - on Feb 27.
A Breakthrough is a sudden shift in perspective, a radical new way of seeing yourself, or your situation.
A Breakthrough gives you new options that you didn't know you had, before the breakthrough.
A Breakthrough brings you back to your own truth.
I am not promising everyone who attends will have an instant breakthrough. I am hoping for that though!
What I AM promising is that attending the Circle, and then showing up for the next 30 days to keep working with it, will give you these things:
A radical new way of seeing yourself, or your situation
A deeper connection to your own truth