Yesterday I wrote this post about How To Become A Dream Magnet which is such a beautiful idea and such a hard thing to practice.
So here I go, practicing.? This shitty thing happened:
There is this service which I am paying for.
It’s doing the thing it’s supposed to do, but it’s not attending to all of the details in the way that I feel the details should be attended to. (I don’t like when loose ends are left dangling)
The person who provides the service agreed (with their words) that this detail is important but is not agreeing (with their actions) to do something about it right now. (I don’t like dealing with people whose words and actions do not line up)
I cannot do anything about it.? Or maybe I can – I have been trying and have not been able to figure out how.? (I don’t like feeling helpless about it)
This service not attending to all of the details means that I have a harder time honouring the agreements I’ve made to people who really matter to me. (I don’t like letting people down)
This is stressful for me and I am having a hard time seeing this situation as a gift.
Well, because I am determined to believe that the thing that happened is WRONG.? I don’t want to accept it, I want to change it.
So, if instead of trying to do something to change it, what if I assume that it’s a gift? What happens then?
Well, it’s like I (reluctantly!) turn away from this frustrating wall of frustration and turn towards an open, sunny field.
And there’s this baby bunny there and he hops over to me and I am very resistant to him.? Because yeah I’m seeing something that could possibly be a gift in this now but I don’t know that I am ready to receive it because I’m not sure I’m strong enough to take care of it.
So, am I committed enough to seeing the gifts that I’ll give it my best shot?? Or do I want to turn my back on the gift?
I can’t turn my back on the gift because I know that just brings me back to the frustrating wall of frustration.
But receiving the gift?? No, I don’t feel ready for this.
So I just sit here for a bit, holding the baby bunny.
And in sitting with it, it starts to feel true that life is always supporting me.? I remember how clear and sure I felt earlier today.? And how feeling clear and sure leads in the right direction even though I don’t always recognize the right direction when I am looking at it.
I remember how I often I fight the path when it doesn’t look how I want it to look.
I remember that I actually almost never feel ready for things before I do them, that it’s in the doing that the growth happens – that I will grow into being ready.
Then I remember that when I’m not all tangled up in my frustrations I can pretty much always find a simple solution.
And then a simple solution popped into my mind.? It’s not perfect, but it’s a good layer of duct tape on the problem until the person who can do something about it does something about it (they said they would, just that they can’t do it right now).
And actually I am ready for the gift, I’m just afraid because it’s NEW and new things almost always scare me. But I can do this.
I feel like getting on a roll with this so I’m going to explore the other thing that’s bugging me from this lens:
I knit this amazing sweater to go with ALL OF THE DRESSES I like to wear.
I knit it out of SUPER FUCKING DURABLE yarn, sock yarn that can stand up to lots of washing and wearing because I wear this sweater all the time and I love it so much.? It’s perfect.
I usually air dry it just to keep it nicer longer.? But one day I was in a rush and I threw it in the dryer and 1/3 of it felted.? ONE THIRD.? The sweater was knit with 3 huge skeins of yarn, one of them was obviously not the durable sock yarn it was labeled as. So the middle third of my cardigan is literally felt – thick and small, and now the whole thing is too short and too narrow to fit.
The sweater is ruined right at the end of summer when I’m going to want to wear it every day.? And the only similar light sweaters I’ve got to wear are old and store-bought and just not right.
So I’m sad and frustrated and sad.
Can I look for the gift in this?
Halfheartedly, if I peek over in that direction, I can see that I can re-knit the sweater in slightly darker yarn which would be more practical.
But I’m super resistant and want to jump up and down and say IT’S NOT FAIR that I have to re-knit it.
So I sit with that.? And I invite in my true heartfelt desire to see the gift in life in general, if not in this situation.
That desire kind of softens everything.? It shows me a new possibility – that knitting a sweater is actually what I need right now.
Hmmm, see I think that’s wrong.? HAVING a sweater is what I want right now!
OK so I am totally being a two year old throwing a temper tantrum about this.? Why?
Because something can come along and destroy something I created.? I want that to not be true.
Because I paid a lot of money for that yarn and the people who made it should have been more careful.? I am careful with my resources and want that to be respected.
Because having just the right hand-made clothes meant a lot to me and the loss of this sweater means going back to not-hand-made so I am losing my dream and that’s always hard on my sensitive heart.
Oh, and because of what that sweater represented.? It was the last thing that was missing in my new creative hand-made wardrobe.? So it felt like I had completion of a dream and now I have non-completion.? I slid down the dream hill and got all bumped up in the process.
And because I would really like to just be a grownup, suck it up, accept that shit happens, this is far from the end of the world and move on but I’m not feeling that way.? So I’m judging my feelings which makes them harder to be with.
So regardless of how I feel right now – I’m choosing to assume that knitting a new sweater is what I need.
If I treat the re-knitting of the sweater as a gift – what could I learn?? I guess I’ll find out.
I’m off to the yarn store.
I wrote this yesterday and then left it.
Thing #1: Someone offered me a perfect solution!
Much better than the duct-tape idea I had yesterday, something that actually solves the problem once and for all.
I’m not saying that just because I was doing my best to have a good attitude about it my problem magically got solved.? But shifting my perspective did help me feel a lot better and who knows – maybe I wouldn’t have been able to the solution that was offered if I was still all cranky about it.
We really don’t see as many possibilities when we’re all tangled up in our stories about what’s happening.
Thing #2: I’m in love with the new yarn
I really loved how that sweater felt on my skin, so I went looking for something really similar (that yarn store doesn’t have that exact kind anymore).
I found something maybe even a little silkier – in watercolour hand-painted shades of lavender.? Super dreamy.
I started rolling it up into balls last night and as I worked with the yarn I was so happy.? The colours are so perfect and it’s start to feel like my “trust sweater”.
That knitting this sweater is a way of working on my relationship with trust.
That re-knitting the sweater I already knit in a state of trust that this is the right thing to do helps ground me in this decision of looking at life through the lens of “where is the gift?”.