I write every day, Monday - Friday, about my own process of navigating the path between where I am and where I want to be.
I share these in the Daily Miracle Mastermind Posts inside the Dream Book community. I believe that showing HOW I walk my talk each day is one of the best ways of teaching.
Lately some of these posts have been asking to be shared out in public - which feels even messy and awkward for me, but here I am, following my inner nudges and seeing where it leads.
Where do I even start?
I have a practice of meeting myself where I am and moving towards where I want to be, but today...
Everything is just heavy and cloudy, with small bits of sharpness.
I want to leap into a story about WHY I feel these things. (get into my head and out of all of these feelings)
Instead I will meet myself where I am.
When I'm so heavy/cloudy/foggy it's like brain is covered in a fog blanket and it's hard for me to figure out HOW to meet myself where I am.
But all I have to do is be here.
I say hello to the heavy clouds and my brain that feels shut down.
The heavy clouds sparkle a little, like they've just been waiting to be acknowledged.
I spread out a picnic blanket and invite them to join me.
Which reminds me - I have a delivery coming today of spherical ice cube molds and Instant Pot accessories including an egg bite maker, and I want to have a lot of iced coffee + egg bite picnics in the park with my journal this summer.
Which reminds me - it's been so cold and rainy, a lot of my usual spring activities are not really happening, and this is depressing.
Oh. Ok. Back to the task at hand. Inviting the dark cloud to sit down and talk.
It hovers above the blanket.
It looks darker than it did, and I can see tiny lightnings in it.
"So, dark cloud, how are you doing?"
"I'm fine. I'm being who I am. It's you who seems to have a problem. You don't want me here."
"Well, it's uncomfortable, I feel pretty weighed down by your presence."
"How can I help you feel more comfortable with me here?"
I am speechless. I don't have a way to be comfortable WITH the dark cloud. I do just want it gone.
"So you invited me to sit down for a picnic as you it's going to be a good time, but you only want to destroy me?"
I am giggling at the idea of a "picnic of destruction".
But also, yeah. I don't know how to engage with this thing. It's like I can either let it control me, or I try to destroy it. I don't see any other way.
But if I remember that all of my feelings are valid, and that one part of the path to any dream is to feel the feelings that come up on that path, then I do believe that there is another way.
BUT I still don't see it.
I offer the cloud an egg bite, it happily receives.
Oh! Those extra-dark spots in the cloud and the tiny lightnings, they go off when the cloud is happy and doing it's thing. I experience them as menacing but that's not how it is for the cloud. That feels helpful to know.
"So, what? Do we just sit here and eat egg bites?"
"That's what a picnic is, right?"
"Well, I guess I was hoping for more. I was hoping we could come to an agreement where we could each have our needs met. I mean I know I just said I don't know how to do this, but still I do think that would be ideal."
The cloud reaches for some iced coffee.
"Is this just all on me? I have to change my relationship to you? I mean, if I was using the Un-Sticking Station, which I do NOT feel prepared to do, I would look for ways to offer you love."
"That's what you've been doing. You made a picnic. I've got egg bites and iced coffee. Maybe you should look for ways to offer yourSELF love as well?"
Haven't I been doing that?
It's so hard to work through anything with the dark clouds here. It's so hard to feel progress and clarity.
So I can accept that this is not a day for progress-that-can-be-seen or clarity-of-any-kind?
This makes my heart kind of jump. Like - how long will I be this way?
What about trusting the process, another one of the Principles of Creative Dream Alchemy.
If I was trusting the process, I would meet with my dream.
OK, I can do that, invite my dream to this picnic with the dark cloud.
(I go lay on the floor, and my car Bear snuggles in beside me, and we invite my dream to join us)
My dream had been appearing as a cartoon blue butterfly, and last week it transformed into realistic butterfly wings for me to wear and BE the dream.
Today it showed up as the wings, floating above me. It's not a day to wear the wings, but they are still here.
The wings showed me that they can be an umbrella, if the cloud starts to rain.
But mostly they are here to be a blanket-that-forms-a-cocoon.
And they wrapped around me.
And it felt like a cocoon.
Like there's a lot going on. I have a lot of layers of uncomfortable feelings and I can't tell any one thing from the others and that's ok, I am in the process.
Today is a day for gentle cocooning and allowing things to work through.
While nothing feels resolved, I don't feel so tangled up now. I feel trusting and ok with slowing down and being where I am.