Getting stuck + feeling like a failure

Two weeks ago at the New Moon Intention-Setting call I had this burst of clarity about what to focus on for this month.

It felt powerful and magical and inspiring.

But two weeks later, it feels impossible. It’s depressing, how far away it feels. It’s activating all of my self doubt.

I woke up feeling like a failure, with this inner voice insisting that I will never be successful.

And I was like “Wow, this is interesting. Why don’t you think I am already successful?”

The voice was stumped for a minute and then said “Because if you are successful then you save money every single month with never any exceptions.”

I was like “That’s a really interesting definition of success! Like, do you understand that sometimes there are unexpected bills or any number of reasons why you might dig into savings?”

But beyond that - what a weird way to define success. It’s fascinating that there is a part of me who feels this way!

And then I realize - I actually DO save money every month, there’s an automatic transfer to my retirement savings.

But this little voice is like “No, I mean more than that” but already the voice is getting quieter because it is realizing that constantly increasing your wealth with no exceptions is really more a sign of hoarding and greed than it is a sign of success.

I sit down beside the little voice, who seems to be sitting in the grass outside somewhere.

“I think you’re worried about that big expense, hey?”

“Yeah, it was big!”

“It was big! But we had the money to handle it. We’re actually good at saving and planning! Money isn’t how I define success, but it is a tool I use and I do know how to use it.”

“But also all of the expenses are going up. It’s so stressful! Like, when will it stop?”

“Yeah it IS stressful and your feelings, all of them, are absolutely valid, especially as reactions to all of this scary stuff that is out of our control… but one thing that IS in our control is how we see ourself. I think we deserve to FEEL successful.”

This little voice beams. It started out so mean and harsh with ME but then it turns out that it was the one feeling like a failure and was projecting it at me.

I give it a hug.

“Sweetheart, we have a beautiful life and we deserve this, just like everyone does.”

And now I feel settled.

So, bringing my attention back to that intention. It’s hard to hold it because it’s a shift in energy, focus, intention and self-belief.

It is THE shift in energy, focus, intention and self-belief that I need right now.

And it is FINE if I slip and fall along the way. It’s expected actually. THIS IS A PRACTICE NOT A PERFECT. Setting an intention like this calls in all the reasons why this is hard. These are the things I need to work through.

And I know that to hold this intention more firmly, I need to do the inner work more consistently. This little nagging discomfort had been growing all weekend and I was ignoring it, it wasn’t until this morning when it’s like RIGHT IN MY WAY and stopping me from doing anything that I faced it.

It would be easier to get to where I want to be if I would face the little uncomfortable feelings faster.

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