NOTE: I am sharing a LOT of Un-Sticking work (inner work) this week! But don't worry about me, I promise I am not living in Stuckville as deeply as my posts show - good things are happening too!  I am working through a lot of STUFF and also starting to prep for a class I want to do called Your Self Doubt Is Not Yours, and I am looking more deeply at my own stucks, and how many of them are actually used by the toxic culture we live in, and not by my own failings and fears 😉 I an really excited to share this class with you, hopefully in September.

I am unbelievably stuck today.

I’ve tried everything, even several rounds of the Un-Sticking Station.

But here I am again, or still.

Hey, stuck.

The Un-Sticking Station itself is meeting me here. It’s some kind of temple, it feels holy.

My stuck is holy?

Yes, of course.

Hmmmm.

BE WITH IT. You keep resisting it.

I feel like you’re saying I am resisting my resistance? That doesn’t make sense.

Sure it does.

I want to do the things I want to do. I want to feel the ways I want to feel. My resistance, my stuck, my sadness, my fear - they are these heavy energies holding me back from this. I want them gone.

THEY. ARE. HOLY.

THIS. IS. HOLY.

WHERE YOU ARE IS HOLY.

I feel a wave of frustration.

GET INTO YOUR BODY.

Oh wow, I am so not in my body. I am barely even in my head - swirling around it.

I focus on my breathing.

Breathing deep.

Feeling my belly expand with each inhale.

I want to scream and cry.

I’m in a bad headspace.

What does this mean?

I am irritable.

It’s hard to focus.

 

And that's it. I left it at that, and worked on ACCEPTING that I wasn't able to focus in the ways I wanted to, TRUSTING that I won't always feel this way - and trying to take care of myself.

 

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Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

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Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

NOTE: I am sharing a LOT of Un-Sticking work (inner work) this week! But don't worry about me, I promise I am not living in Stuckville as deeply as my posts show - good things are happening too!  I am working through a lot of STUFF and also starting to prep for a class I want to do called Your Self Doubt Is Not Yours, and I am looking more deeply at my own stucks, and how many of them are actually used by the toxic culture we live in, and not by my own failings and fears 😉 I am really excited to share this class with you, hopefully in September.

 

A lot of the times when I share my Un-Sticking Station sessions, there is a sense of completion at the end. Some progress or a way forward can be seen.

Today it's not like that.

Today's post is very disjointed but the is exactly how it was in my journal and this is how it is sometimes! Also, I did end up feeling much better about everything later in the day, so even though it all felt so unresolved, resolution was in process.

Today I'm too crabby to do this

Creative Dreaming takes an INCREDIBLE amount of optimism and belief that you can create a better future.

I don’t have it in me every day.

I am SO grateful that I have all of these practices and self care protocols for feeling my best - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

But IT’S A LOT.

Sometimes it feels like a full time job just to feel UP enough to do what I want to do.

It helps so much to have a practice, all the ways the practice becomes a container to hold the process really do work like magic…

AND…

Some days, for a lot of different reasons, it’s going to be really hard.

I’m there right now.

So I am taking this into the Un-Sticking Station.

Oh hey there, part of me who feels like it’s too hard to do anything at all, what’s up?

URGHS

Yeah, I feel that.

It’s vague, but I am starting to see her. She’s laying on a mattress with no bedding on it. Is that a reminder from my subconscious that I want to wash my sheets today, lol?

She’s got books and snacks around her but she’s just laying there.

Awww hun, what’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?

Well, kind of, but not like I’m sick. I’m just… I don’t know.

Yeah, I get it. And we all feel this way sometimes! But I wonder if you are aware that you’ve already had a few days to laze around?

What?

Yeah, you’ve been doing this for a few days, and not that there is a time limit or anything, but you know how a lot of the time, you need to get moving before you feel better? It feels like we’re at that kind of place. Like you’re waiting for something to change, but you actually have to change something.

Oh UGH. No thanks.

Yeah, I know. UGH! But like, I need you to know that I don’t feel good staying here… I feel crabby. I want to enjoy my life, not rot in bed.

I want to rot in bed. Just one more day?

My brain feels heavy, like it’s tired and can’t do it’s work.

There is this push/pull pattern I get into with resistance that I don’t like.

It feels like more than resistance, it feels like a nervous system freeze response. Like my brain and body really can’t function at their regular pace.

And I’ve been so gentle with self care to support my nervous system.

And then sometimes I just get frustrated with myself for not being where I want to be.

And so sad! Because I WAS THERE for a few weeks, and now I’m not.

 

What do I need, right now?

To cry.

To accept that I am where I am.

To have hope that I will do the things I want to do, even if I can’t do them today.

I feel waves of sadness.

What does my sadness need?

It needs the world to not be such a fucked up place.

It needs it to be cooler outside.

 

This needs to not be a FIGHT.

There is this “one part of me just wants to shut down and one part of me wants to be creative and happy” collision, it’s not quite a fight but it’s conflicting energies.

Can we co-exist?

I’ve been giving my tired self a lot of space the last few days, but I see now I’ve been doing that WITH THE ASSUMPTION that she would get her rest and then get it together.

How can we collaborate better?

 

 

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This is from my journal from a few weeks ago:

The part of me who feels worthless is activated today.

This is so hard.

i’m using the Un-Sticking Station practice to meet with her.

She’s in this… land of tears is the phrase that comes to mind. Lots of icicles and icebergs.

But then sometimes the scene flips over to this really dry desert place.

She’s sitting on the ground, or an an iceberg.

Crying.

Alone.

And without hope.

I sit down in front of her and offer her flowers. Now the scene is staying pretty steady in the desert.

She asks: “Is loving myself enough? Can I really be the source of love?”

I just don’t see how it could be true that without external love and validation, we just shrivel up. And maybe it’s not the time to bring this up, but there are loads of sources of love. But also I am curious - why does self love seem like it’s not enough?

Suddenly, looking at her, the part of me who feels worthless, and I know that she is a great artist. Frida Kahlo vibes.

What if I haven’t been letting you be as majestic and amazing as you are because I was worried that no one would love me?

I don’t even know which part of me is speaking here but WHOA that feels like a good question.

Have I been trying to fit in in ways that betray my own truth, and has this minimized my creative potential, and has it also made it harder for the people who are really FOR ME, to find me?

Jesus.

These questions are landing.

BUT the part of me who feels worthless is no longer activated.

Like these questions are occupying her mind, and there is no space for wondering or worrying that she’s not good enough.

+++++++

As I move along this path of re-building my life after divorce, while starting a whole new decade.... and even though I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING ME all along, it feels like there are so many things I can shake off to BE MORE ME in how I live my life.

I feel more and more optimistic about my 50s being my best decade yet.

 

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I’m thinking of what I shared yesterday about feeling worthy and receptive to my dreams, and how vulnerable that felt.

When I fist stated working with that door, which became a fence, which became a curtain, there was this sensation of resistance.

The resistance was “OMG NO. This is all too heavy. There are too many layers. You cannot explore this. It will be so painful but mostly, this is all so heavy, so old, and totally immovable. So why bother?”

And I blitzed right past that response, in a way.

I feel like I gave a quick “Yeah buddy, I see you, that’s rough, I’m sorry but I’m doing what I’m doing”

Resistance is a sensation for me now, where it used to be a brick wall.

This is a gift of this work and I want to acknowledge that.

While you’re IN IT, it’s hard to remember the gifts, and it’s hard to recognize how far you’ve come because you keep looking at what’s next.

But YOU’VE COME SO FAR.

 

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Some time back, in a meditation with my dream, my dream said:

YOU NEED TO FEEL WORTHY AND RECEPTIVE TO YOUR DREAMS.

And I was like “Well, I feel how I feel”

And my dream was like “NO! YOU NEED TO FEEL WORTHY AND RECEPTIVE TO YOUR DREAMS.”

And it felt like it waved a magic wand, and I suddenly ⚡️FELT⚡️ 100% worthy and receptive, just for a few seconds.

And then I saw it, how much that would change everything.

So I started working on it.

I divided it in 2: worthiness and receptivity and I did a group call on each - an alchemy meditation/community spell/healing circle where we could work on it together. (Membership members can get the replays here: worthiness | receptivity)

Worthiness is a constant underlying issue for me, maybe for most of us?

And receptivity can feel like so much work. Staying open is VULNERABLE AF.

But the two of them together are magic.

It’s monday morning, my schedule has been disrupted, so this is where I am starting today.

I’m not revisiting the meditations from those calls, just closing my eyes, taking a few breaths, and reflecting on what I have learned about feeling worthy and receptive to my dream.

My dream is there, as some kind of puffball with it’s hands on it’s hips, saying “GIRL! I know you know that there is no way to not be worthy of your dreams”

And I thought about how our dreams chose us, our dreams are our own soul showing us our path and so there isn’t any way we could not be worthy of that.

I thought about how our dreams show us OUR TRUTH.

And our culture works so hard to make us feel not enough so that it can sell us solutions, but also to keep us yearning to EARN enoughness - this keeps supremacist systems in place. And part of the nature of supremacist systems IS that sense of not being enough. Even when you’re at the top, you feel unworthy and afraid of losing it… it’s the nature of living in a culture that doesn’t affirm our worth. It’s a distortion.

So FEELING WORTHY is not about boosting yourself up to be declared “good enough”

It’s about recognizing an inherent truth.

This lands for me today…

But receptivity?

I feel a tiny door in my heart shut.

I give it a hug.

“Oh sweetheart, I can see why you would be afraid of this dream”

The door is now just a fence. And it’s crying.

Tell me what’s going on.

It’s so scary and overwhelming!

Oh yeah I know! Tell me more!

I’m so lucky to have what I have, asking for more feels greedy and like… what if that makes it fall apart? What if that destroys everything?

Yeah, that’s a big fear to hold. I’m so sorry you are carrying that. Do you want to try to put it down?

PUT IT DOWN??! WTF?

Well, actually, yeah. Put it down. Like, recognize that I am going after this so maybe just put the fear down?

Ummm, this is some shitty tough love. I don’t like it.

OK yeah, I usually have more patience and compassion when doing this work. It’s just - well, today my schedule is disrupted and I don’t have a lot of time…

So you’re trying to RUSH THE INNER WORK?

This little fence around my heart is incredulous.

Ummm, yeah I guess I was. I was hoping you would see how worthy we are of this dream, and how it helps us be more in alignment with our truth, and just… put it down.

The fence seems to hold onto the fear tighter.

Receptivity is so vulnerable.

I sit with this. The rest of my body does feel open and receptive.

I ask the fence “Do you feel worthy of this dream?”

It gets all shy.

Yeah, I know this confronts a lot of deep stuff. And I’m so sorry I tried to rush you. Your feelings are valid and I am so grateful that you share them with me. I want to know what’s going on with you!

Thank you. It’s just all a bit much right now.

OK, well I am not going to rush you. How can I help you?

The fence turns into a curtain, like a luscious velvet curtain.

I add: Also, I am so grateful that you are protecting my precious heart! You are so important!

The curtain swishes and sways.

We need to keep talking though, protecting my precious heart is about discernment, and sure - in the middle of a divorce it’s easy to think “Maybe I shouldn’t have married that person, maybe I shouldn’t have believed in that particular dream and so I will be very cautious about believing in other dreams” but that’s not how we want to be. And maybe the divorce is a good example of how a dream can fall apart AND I CAN BE OK. I can re-build even better…

The curtain perks up.

Yeah! You can feel that, right?

Oh wow it feels safe to dream.

There it is!

The curtain opens. My heart is there. Open and receptive.

Thank you curtain, and listen - when there is danger, you can close. You can turn back into a fence, a door, a huge impenetrable wall… you can become as protective as you need to. I don’t want to destroy you, I only want to practice discernment with you, and let the things in that are right for us. And this dream, this is right for us.

I am holding this today, the way it feels SO TENDER to be receptive to my dreams.

 

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Two recent meditations from the Dream Lab:

(The Dream Lab is one of the things I use as an almost-daily practice)

First one: My dream shows up as this burst of expansion which is like wings in my heart that stretch out.

There is this “reaching out” sensation but also a sensation of “rooting in” and being more who I am.

The internet has been broken in my home since the weekend. (Yeah I wrote this one last week, it’s fixed now!!) What it felt in the meditation is… THIS IS GOOD. Re-wiring myself to be more wired to myself, less wired to look outside of me for distractions.

And it felt like divine timing.

Creative projects are calling.

Creative GROWTH is calling.

And it feels like - rooting more deeply inside myself is how I help EXPAND into my dream at this time.

Second one: My dream shows up as a sacred crown being placed on my head.

And suddenly I am radiant and IN my own radiance.

I feel so calm and peaceful and sure.

My dream is my growth, my creativity, my healing. It’s an in me, I GOT THIS.

Often when I share my Dream Labs they are more focused and helpful, I am sharing how much this can help me in a practical sense.

But lately it’s just… vibes, lol.

Which IS, in a practical sense, what I need. But it doesn’t feel like the clarity of “ok go do this” that I sometimes get from this work.

It’s always shifting.

We’re never doing it wrong.

Just keep showing up.

There are three paths to making your dream happen.

The outer work, the practical stuff and measurable progress is only 1/3 of the process.

The inner work, the ways we confront the places where we hold back is also 1/3 of the process.

Then the dream work, the ways we grow more into who we really are, accept and nurture our gifts, is also 1/3.

Literally just sitting here, feeling this sacred crown on my head, radiating my own magic - this is the work. Sometimes. Doing these practices DOES shift how we see things, DOES bring in new ideas, and DOES impact the outer steps we take, so that we can see more of that measurable progress we all like so much.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.