Prologue. This morning in my journal:
There is this thing I want to start doing.
And when I think about doing it I get all excited and then I remember that I have wanted to start doing this before.? Many times.? And then I feel frustrated because I was in this place before, so many times, of wanting to start doing it and yet here I am again – not doing it.
Clearly I want to do it because it keeps coming back.
Clearly I don’t want to do it because I keep not doing it.
So let’s explore.
I want to do it: feels like alignment and a bright light and all these pieces magically coming together to create something new and amazing.
I don’t want to do it: feels like fog and falling asleep and pushing away the things I am responsible for and pretending that I am less than I am.
But knowing this is not enough to make me leap into action.? Because the part of me that wants to pretend that I am less than I am is… a part of me.
Bulldozing through it and forcing myself to do the thing: feels violent, like it’s going to uproot so many beautiful things that are growing in my inner world.
Going on not doing the thing: feels like heavy thick disappointment oozing all over everything in my life.? It is not contained to this one thing, I am letting myself down and that makes everything stink.
Ha! I have been noticing this stink coming off of other people lately (energetically speaking) and it’s been irritating me.? Hello, mirror.
And so we begin…
Hello, resistance, we need to talk.
Resistance is a kokeshi doll who is sleeping on the beach, using the ocean as her blanket.? She smiles, rolls over, and goes back to sleep and then says (maybe telepathically because she is sleeping now) “I am happy here”.
Oh that’s good, I want you to be happy.? But, um, I also want me to be happy.
Kokeshi doll wakes up, whips her head around and raises one eyebrow.
Yeah, I guess I’m saying you’re being a bit selfish.? But I don’t want to argue with that.? I want both of us to get what we need, I want both of us to be happy.
Kokeshi doll sits up, cross-legged, with her elbows resting on her knees (suddenly she has knees and elbows!) and her chin resting on her hands, and looks at me intently.
So you’re willing to work with me, that’s good.? I have this crazy idea that if both of us are happy then each of us would be even happier then we are then only one of us is happy.
Kokeshi doll thinks this is obvious.? She’s been smelling the stink, sometimes it wakes her up at night and she does not want to be woken up at night.
OK, so I’m not sure what to do.
Kokeshi doll points to a structure over at the edge of the beach.? Looking at it makes her sad.
My heart drops.? The structure is the most amazing inspiration station.? It’s positively beaming with delight.? It’s the perfect space for me to do the thing, and the roof… the roof is a hammock.
Kokeshi doll is supposed to sleep in the hammock, so she can vibe out on the inspiration station which gives her the sweetest dreams.? Kokeshi doll knows that those dreams fuel me.
Kokeshi doll is sad because I have been trying to make her “get to work” with me when that was never her job.? That’s why she ran away to the ocean’s edge.? She sleeps and sleeps in the wettest place she could find but the dreams have all dried up.
I pick her up and carry her over to the inspiration station and place her in the hammock.? A huge smile spreads over her face, her rainbow blanket appears and she snuggles into it hard, ready to dream sweeter than she has ever dreamed.? She’s got a lot of time to make up for.
I sit down at the inspiration station and notice things are kind of dusty and out of place.
Everything I need is here, that’s for sure.? But the dust of neglect needs to be cleared away.? A peacock feather duster turns towards me and smiles.? Let’s get to work.