I write every day, Monday - Friday, about my own process of navigating the path between where I am and where I want to be.
I share these in the Daily Miracle Mastermind Posts inside the Dream Book community. I believe that showing HOW I walk my talk each day is one of the best ways of teaching.
Today's post, which is really messy and awkward, wanted to be shared out in public - which feels even more messy and awkward for me, but here I am, following my inspiration and seeing where it leads.
My goal this week:
I am exploring the question: What helps me make more art, more often, from a deeper place?
I really want to be making more art, writing more, sharing more.
I want it to all feel easier and more flowy.
There's also something in this that's like - I know I want something more but can't quite put my finger on WHAT it is.
So I am making space to sit with this question this week.
Today I am SO ANNOYED with the question.
I've got a blank page in my daytimer for this.
I filled in all the things I know that help me stay in my flow.
I'm so bored. I know this stuff. I have worked on this for so long. Why I am I here AGAIN?
Do I want to answer that?
I guess so, I don't know what else to do.
Why I am here again:
I'm not being as creative as I'd like to be.
As in, it seems to take more work to get into it.
I have more distractions.
I am more tired.
AND ALSO I feel more desire to be creating more. And that desire conflicts with what is happening and makes everything very uncomfortable.
So, yeah, I am here AGAIN. But... being here AGAIN is not a sign that I have failed, or regressed. It's just a part of the creative path.
Also - what helps changes as I change, as my life changes. Like, right now there are all of these specific things I can do to help with my peri-menopause symptoms that THAT helps very much with THIS.
OK this makes sense, I feel less annoyed that I am here AGAIN but I still feel annoyed in general, so let's bring annoyance into the Un-Sticking Station.
(The Un-Sticking Station is a class inside Dream Book for working through stucks - that link will only work for Dream Book members)
Annoyance shows up as my older teenaged - early 20s self.
OMG you are so lame. Look at all the things I make!! It's EASY to create, and you have all the opportunities I was dreaming of, and you're squandering them.
SQUANDERING?! I CREATED them.
I'm not going to justify myself to you. I am doing my best and I want to keep doing better and I need to know why you are so annoyed.
Because you're 48 and this should be easy by now.
*TEARS ALL AROUND*
Yes, I agree. This should be easy by now. And it's so hard for you to look 20-30 years ahead and see that it's not. Though I mean - often, it is. Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it's not? Seems like more than sometimes.
Yeah! I mean - look at all the things I do!
I guess that's true.
Everything is just so HEAVY right now.
Annoyance is gone. Some kind of helpful guidance spirit enters the chat.
So what would help bring LIGHTNESS?
All the things I wrote on that list. Recognizing how painful the heaviness feels, recognizing how painful it feels to NOT be doing the creative things I want to be doing. Recognizing all of the conflicting feelings of everything.
This helpful guidance spirit points me to my art journal where I have been writing and drawing and painting my feelings as my Space-Making practice.
(Space-Making is a class inside Dream Book for making space to work on your dreams when working on your dreams feels like too much - that link will only work for Dream Book members)
It's like my creativity is in a bottle and all of these conflicting and totally valid feelings are kind of jammed in together, creating a bottle stop. I need to let them out before I can do the things I want to do.
So I took it to my journal:
Messy painting and angry journaling to let feelings out and what I came to was:
The indignity of being in the process of growth.
I need to open myself up to the process of growth and change and the possibility of healing.
Which means letting go of the places where I want to KNOW what to do next.
Being open. Following inspiration. Being willing to make mistakes, fail, and be surprised.
Today this all feels hard. But I'll do my best with it.