Wild Untamed Creativity vs The Part Of Me Who Wants To Control Everything

I am exploring the question: What helps me make more art, more often, from a deeper place?

I've gotten stuck most days, and in doing the Un-Sticking work I met with inner teenaged/early 20s selves. It's pretty rare for me that they show up, when it's an inner child it's usually much younger.

They're so sarcastic and annoyed at everything and JUDGEMENTAL!

But also, something really deep has shifted for me.

Those little conversations reverberate, things keep happening throughout the day, it's not over after my 10 minutes of sitting with it.

What's been happening now is me seeing my life now from my 17-25 year old perspective.

Hey! Look at what I did! Look at what I have!

I feel so proud of me.

And so excited to be where I am, with all of the SPACE I have to create what I want to create.

What also struck me is: I was not very sensitive at that time.

My teenaged-25 self is so annoyed and horrifying by me having so many FEELINGS and how those feelings can stop me from doing what I want to do.

She never experienced that.

As I've been sitting with that it's clear - she was so disconnected from her feelings that she experienced this all the time but didn't know it! In her experience, she was blocked by other things.

I am so much more powerful now.

Not being all filled up with un-processed feelings means I can face those other things in the way more effectively. AND it means that sometimes I do spend a lot of time processing feelings because that IS the path.

Even though most days I would be very tempted to trade emotional sensitivity for the ability to carry on functioning in the ways I want to while the world falls apart - I wouldn't REALLY make the trade.

Anyway - I woke up this morning feeling SO happy and grateful.

As I though about the question I am exploring - What helps me make more art, more often, from a deeper place? - I see something that was keeping me stuck with this:

I was looking for a way to be really organized and... I don't even know how to describe it... like always know what I am doing, follow very specific steps, like map it all out and then follow the path.

But that's not how art works.

The specific steps I can follow are to do THIS work. To meet my dream and look at what's in the way of connecting with my dream and work with that and out of this work always comes.... something.

So, one answer to my question is.... can I make space for that "something" that comes up?

Can I let go of CONTROLLING the process or wanting it to look a certain way?

A part of me wants it to look like - writing a blog post on Tuesdays and making new things for Dream Book on Wednesdays, etc.

CAN I JUST TRUST MY CREATIVE FLOW?

I know everything works better when I do.

But there is a part of me who wants to control the overall process. Make sure I am consistent with certain things.

I know I want to be consistent about being in the flow.

This part of me wants me to be consistent about newsletter emails, blog posts, social media posts, and promotional campaigns.

Bringing this part of me into the Un-Sticking Station:

(The Un-Sticking Station is only available to Dream Book members)

She shows up as me, in a beige suit, with a leather briefcase. She's quite thin and her hair is dyed light brown.

I have an overwhelming urge to hug her and try to help her be happier and more creatively alive but I am putting that aside to stick with the process and offer her some love.

She puts up a shield.

No thank you. I don't need LOVE. I need you to follow a schedule.

Oh wow. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Look at you! You're a mess!

No, I'm an artist. I'm a human who trusts her heart and intuition. And actually I am very organized - I've been running this business for a long time.

Not very well.

(But I can tell she's not completely convinced. She's starting to lower the shield and some love is coming in. I hold my hands up, palms aimed at her, and shoot rainbows of love her way)

I'm sending you love because I want you to know you are loved. I'd like to help you feel safe.

Excellent. I will feel safe when you are more organized. That thing you wrote - blog on Tuesdays, Dream Book on Wednesdays - that's a good start. Let's make a detailed schedule.

Can we start by just being with the quality/feeling of love and safety?

This is such an incredible waste of time.

Yeah, I see that you feel that way, and that making a schedule and getting to work feel like love and safety to you, but they are not actually love and safety. They are things that help you feel love and safety and I'd like to start by actually FEELING love and safety and then... we may come up with even better ways for you to feel loved and safe.

I don't want better ways. I want predictability and schedules and for you to stop this nonsense.

Yeah, but I am me. This is how I am going to do things.

I don't want to go in circles with you.

I don't want to go in circles with you either.

OK I think we can stop this meeting now.

It feels like something VERY helpful happened in meeting the part of me, but this is as far as it can go right now. I will check in with her again in a few days.

BUT I am going to make a compromise with this part of me. I will make a list of all of the things that she would like to see done each week. These are things I want to do too!!!

I'm also going to make some art around: following my creative flow vs being organized and following a schedule. Just drawing/journaling in my Dream Book and see where it goes.

There IS a balance to be found between the two. I want to be trusting my creative flow and also feel on top of things in terms of marketing my business and moving my projects forward.

I've been balanced between these before, and it feels like the best to balance them is shifting for me right now, so while things are shifting it's like both sides are vying for total control, lol.

(Update)

Once I thought about HOW I would write/draw this in my journal, everything came together.

I saw how flow and structure each have their own place, and how they contribute to me having the experience I want AND moving towards the results I want.

And actually - this is what's in the Creative Planning and Project Management class, in the Dream Plan Kit. I know this, AND how I feel about the balance, and how the balance plays out, is shifting for me right now.

(The Dream Plan Kit is only available to Dream Book members)

AND this brings me back full circle to my question for this week!!!

Re-tooling this part will go a LONG way supporting me in making more art, from a deeper place, and sharing it more often.

It needs BOTH elements.

I feel like this actually answers the question. I can go into next week and implement what I've learned and see how it goes.

Wild Untamed Creativity vs The Part Of Me Who Wants To Control Everything

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