Vulnerability Hangover

This is what healing looks like

I am having a major vulnerability hangover.

Sharing my own practice more widely felt so inspiring and RIGHT at first and now it feels like too much.

Especially since yesterday's post was a really big breakthrough I had, and when I was putting it onto the blog I realised - no, this isn't for the blog.

I still want to do my daily blog posts until the end of the year...

AND I need to respect my feelings about it being to much to keep doing it as I have been...

So - I don't know.

When I don't know what to do, I pretend I am my own client. (I've never not been able to help a client figure out what to do, but often can't help myself figure it out, unless I pretend I'm doing a coaching session).

If I was my coach, I would say - let's explore that "I don't know" feeling.

What does it look like?

An iridescent sky blue cloud.

OK that's interesting. Usually clouds are white or grey against the sky blue sky, but this cloud is sky blue?

Yeah, it's not in the sky, it's like right here in the room beside me.

Oh, beautiful!

Yeah, it is beautiful.

That's interesting that the feeling is BEAUTIFUL... does it feel beautiful inside you?

I can't quite locate it inside me, because it's bouncing around. It feels like... possibility.

Not knowing feels like possibility.


Is the cloud still there? Has anything changed?

It's gone. It's inside me, as a sense of possibly.

OK, so now you have a sense of possibility about what you want to do next with your blog.

I guess that's the thing. It's not just about the blog. The daily blog posts were a way of practicing visibility and communication. And I still have so much to learn there! BUT I have learned that the way I was doing this isn't how I want to keep doing this.

So that feels hopeful because you learned something but also disappointing because the way you'd hoped this would work isn't working? Is that right?

Yes. Hopeful and disappointing and also some shame, like I should have known this wasn't the right way. I mean I feel embarrassed that I felt so RIGHT and EXCITED about this when now it feels so WRONG and that feels extremely VULNERABLE and UNCOMFORTABLE.

So that's a lot of feelings all at once!

It is. But also another feeling.... I feel like I COME ALIVE when I really dig in and explore what's happening with me. I love this. It feels as good as it feels to do this with other people.

So - which feeling stands out as the one that you want to explore?

The shame. The sense that I should have known. That's such a dream killer to feel like you're supposed to have all the answers.

Where does it come from?

The story that I should do things "the right way". The story that there even IS a right way! And that as long as I do things the right way, I am guaranteed to be ok. There is also a bit of a story about wanting other people to think that I know what I am doing, so to be wrong out in public feels very uncomfortable.

I do think that being wrong out in public is very uncomfortable for everyone!

Oh, yeah, I guess it is.

That's the culture. That's a way that our culture doesn't hold space for our human-ness. Our culture is encouraging us to be good little capitalist productivity robots, and there's no room to experiment or try things or follow what feels good... unless it's guaranteed to pay off.

Oh wow. Yes. That's NOT conducive to an actual ALIVE and CREATIVE life at all.

So you're going against unconscious cultural conditioning. That's bound to be uncomfortable!

Yeah, I can have empathy for my discomfort and that soothes the feeling that I should have known better.

OK so now what happens to the story that you should have known better?

It feels ridiculous. Like - I don't WANT TO know better. I want to follow my inspiration! I want to do those things that feel so RIGHT and INSPIRING and who fucking cares if they don't immediately "pan out"? Like that feels ridiculously irrelevant.

Ridiculously irrelevant.

Yeah but there is still a tinge of wishing I wasn't sharing all of this quite so openly because a lot of people really don't get it.

Yeah, I can see that. Can we 100% validate that feeling?

Yes. I can wish that I could control how people see me while also not actually putting any energy into controlling my image. The thing is, when I am thinking about that, it's never that I am worried about what MY PEOPLE think. I know that MY PEOPLE get it. I'm worried about random people on Facebook that I used to know who never really understood me anyway so it's really silly that I would care.

I'm not sure it's silly, I think it's human. And it's a big part of why most people don't share themselves with any real vulnerability the way you are trying to do.

Oh, right, yeah.

So how is this story landing now? You should have known better?

I love that I didn't know better. That iridescent sky blue cloud is back and it's like - sparkling magical blue skies all around me. I tried a thing, learned a lot, and now I get to take what I learned to try the next thing.

What do you think the next thing is?

It's connected to the conversation I had with my fear yesterday. That new way that I want to look at how I am in my business. Recognizing that something is feeling off in my marketing - not necessarily that I've done something wrong, but that a new way is now possible. But I don't know what that new way is, and thinking about it feels so discouraging and overwhelming.

Do you want to work with the discouragement and overwhelm?

No. This is a lot already. What I want to do is the meditation from Marketing as a Creative and Spiritual Practice. Just be with it, the meditation we did on the second call is exactly what I need here to start to see that new possibility for how I could be doing things.

Great! So you know what to do next.

Yes. Thank you!

(After this, I edited yesterday's post to add the "next day update" and then decided to share it on the public blog too)

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Vulnerability Hangover

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