When showing up for this feels too hard

We are doing the 30 day journaling + meditation invitation for the month of August. An explanation of this project is here. I'll be posting an update here every day (M-F) for the month of August and I'm also doing short videos on Instagram to share things I am learning along the way.\

And check out the new Creative Dream Incubator RedBubble shop! THE MOST encouraging notebooks, zipper pouches, mugs, magnets, stickers + art prints.

Today everything feels hard. I don't want to do this practice. I don't want to do anything.

I have a commitment to do this work every day - using meditation and/or journaling to meet with my self and my dreams and figure out my next steps on the path.

As a teacher, it is important to me that I show up with this work EVERY DAY. Which means - finding ways to do the work even when I am not feeling it. (Which is a BIG theme in any creative life)

If I only share the parts where everything goes "well" - or share a bunch of "rags to riches" type stories about how I used to struggle and now I don't - tow things happen:

  • I leave behind everyone who isn't always 100% happy + motivated
  • I leave out the most important part of the process, the part where I use my own internal stucks as fuel and/or guidance for moving forward

Logically, I understand why it's important that I share my stuck + crabby parts too, but I'm still not 100% COMFORTABLE with it.

I am WAY more comfortable with it than I used to be, but still I have the internal voices that say "Really?! Stuck AGAIN?! WTF?! I thought you were this great coach."

Today things are hard AND today I am BRIMMING with opportunities for transformation.

A lot of my discomfort today is directly about peri-menopause - I got my period after 90 days and it's like my body saved up all of the crabbiness, aches, sensitivities + cramps of the last 90 days to throw them at me all at once.

But also I am in the mid-life re-visiting of my relationships and boundaries and it's like... my whole sense of where my boundaries should be has changed.

I keep surprising myself.

Someone said something kind of shitty to me the other day and while before I would stand up for myself to explain why they were wrong, now I'm not even wasting my energy with that because OF COURSE they are wrong. It's not worth my time to say anything. All I want to say is "Wow what's up with you that you're making such a shitty comment?" BUT I didn't even say that because - it's THEIR stuff, not mind, and I didn't want any part of it.

I just left it with them, energetically, in a way that I had not been able to before. I am GLEEFUL about what this could mean for me. How much bullshit can I just leave with other people and not even engage with, even as they're trying to throw it at me?

But onto my 30 days of Slow the fuck down! BE as creative, powerful + magnetic as you ARE journaling for today...

Everything feels hard this morning.

My body is achy and sensitive this morning.

Actually emotionally I feel achy and sensitive too. Mentally - just a cloud.

I had been lying in bed, thinking about BEING as creative, powerful and magnetic as I AM.

It's hard to feel into that version of me, when I feel like the version of me who is the furthest from that.

Which is interesting - my first day of this 30 days of meditation + journaling where I feel like the version of me who is the furthest from this. So how do I want to approach this?

Ha! The answer came very quickly - BEING WITH myself is always the most creative, powerful and magnetic thing I can do.

But, with all of this aching, I am actually trying to NOT be present at all. I just want to avoid this part, and be present again when everything is easier.

So. Hello aches. Hello sensitivity. Hello cloudy mental state. I am here with you.

My sad self really wants me to notice all of the ways I try to check out when things are hard.

Not be present. Not feel the discomfort.

I mean - of course I do. Who WANTS to feel shitty?

Trying to feel better IS self care. AND trying to leapfrog over my feelings is NOT helpful.

So where do I want to be with this, right now?

I want to name the things.

Stomach cramps.
The irritation that I have stomach cramps.
The sadness that my body feels so fragile.
The frustration that I am not having the morning I wanted to have.
The fear that... hmmm, can't quite name it, just fear swirling around in there.
The exhaustion.
The mental fog.
The anger about the mental fog because didn't I go through the whole pandemic in a fog and isn't it time to be out of it?
The little worry that I won't ever finish the Year of Dreams 2023.
The fear that I won't ever be as focused and productive as I was pre-pandemic.
The knowing that it's not just a fear - I WON'T be focused and productive in the ways I was.
The little thread of trust that I will find a new way to do things which will be different but good, if not different but better.
The little flash of hope that it will be different but WAY better.
The heaviness in my body.
The sensitivity to heat - I've just had enough summer I can't even.

And now I really want to lay on the floor so I will go do that.

I'm going to use the Dream Self meditation to connect with the part of me who IS as creative, powerful and magnetic as I AM and come back to this when I am done...

(This is one of the meditations we work with in Dream Book)  

OK that was so good!

Lying on the floor always helps me get into my body.

From being IN my body, it doesn't feel like "checking out" to say - "I need to take an Advil for these cramps". It feels like "self care".

Lying down made it easier to get into the meditation, and I saw right away that BEING my most creative, powerful and magnetic self means being with myself wherever and however I am.

There will be crabby achy days. And they are easier to deal with when I am WITH myself, present in my body.

So then I:

  • took advil
  • put in a new sumemr caftan I just made in a silky cotton in BRIGHT orange and pink
  • went out for iced coffee + a bagel + journaling in the coffee shop patio (went to the closest place as I jsut felt too tired + achy for a long bike ride)
  • went to the grocery store since it's near that coffee shop, and got stuff to make amazing taco salads for this week
  • roasted a ton of veggies, made black beans, got all meal-prepped

The simplest things I can do towards taking care of my needs IS the most powerful move, when I feel like not showing up.

And, now that I am meal prepped and I have been out on my bike and done journaling etc - I feel ready to dive into my creative work.

I *MADE SPACE* for the day I want to have - enjoying my creative project.

When showing up for this feels too hard