Why has structure been so difficult for me since the pandemic?

Last week in my dream status report my dream pointed to me needing to explore structure. Then during our Monday meditation, again, structure.

Yesterday my dream said: Have more fun! Having more structure will help you have more fun!

And that's true, structure helps me feel less overwhelmed in general. Good structure also helps me do more with less effort. So let's explore...

It's hard to think about structure and not think about 2020 swooping in and destroying all of the structure I had.

It's hard to think back to the details of that, because it feels so uncomfortable, but at the same time I do feel happy where I am as my 2023 self, who wouldn't exist in this way if 2020 hadn't gone the way it did. So it's like all these conflicting feelings come up as I think back to then.

And I think that's why I've just "kind of muddled through" and not gotten really specific and intention about how I want to re-create structure now, because just thinking about it sparks so many conflicted feelings which feels overwhelming.

For some reason, probably the magic of time is a big part of it, having conflicting feelings about this feels ok this morning.

Do I want to try and re-build the structure I had, as well as I can, making adjustments for the ways I have changed?

Or do I want to focus on where I am now, and build something totally new?

So interesting!

I definitely want to build something new.

AND I definitely don't want to leave behind all the things I learned - pre-pandemic, I had spent YEARS working on  creating the routines and habits that would serve me the best.

Ummmm, sitting with these conflicting thoughts, making space for the feelings that come out each one, the answer starts to feel really obvious.

List the things that were working for me in 2019.

For each one of these, write about how my 2023 self would do this.

early wake up

bike ride or walk (I already know where I am going when I wake up, I am usually packed, so I just get up and get going)

long morning in a coffee shop: journaling for the first hour, then laptop productivity time

everything I am doing planned is out in project management app

Monday morning is about planning for the week and checking in with all projects. I had lots of lists.

the details of my admin tasks were mapped out more clearly

Hmmmm, this is weird.

This is mostly stuff I am still doing. I mean, not the LONG mornings in coffee shops and not the same "productivity time". I have fewer lists, etc, but in a general, slower sense, I am doing these things.

Why has it felt like I have NONE of the structure I used to have?

(sitting with this)

Oh. It's my RELATIONSHIP to structure.

It just hit me.

The way an external event came in and destroyed all the structure I had. I still feel in a bit of a freeze response about that.

I'm going to stop here for today and let this sink in a little.

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