Today I hit a milestone: All of my courses + libraries have been moved over to the new website.
This is HUNDREDS of pages of content, all re-designed, re-organized and better than ever. I’m not done, there are a least 1-2 weeks of work to get the site operational, but still, having all of the content moved is a big milestone.
I hit this milestone at 7:45 am this morning, sitting on the patio of a coffee shop I used to work out of all the time, pre-COVID. For computer tasks, I am more productive in a coffee shop and not having access to them since March has impacted my productivity, on top of how the stress of these times has already impacted it.
So it was a real gift this morning, to wake up super early and get to the coffee shop early enough to get a table on the patio, as our patios are open at 1/2 capacity with social distancing measures so getting a table is not something I can count on being able to do most of the time. Also – I usually don’t WANT to be there, but early in the morning is good.
I was up so early because I went to bed so early because I really hit a wall last night.
It felt equal parts emotional and physical. The physical part I understood but it felt like I was hitting new ground in the emotional part and I didn’t know what it was.
I did NOT have the capacity to be with it and figure out what it was. I took a hot bath and went to bed early, which is my go-to self care practice for when things are hard. It always feels more clear and hopeful in the morning.
So this morning I was happily working away at the cafe, and at one point I tried to access I page but I wasn’t logged in and this flashed on the screen:
And suddenly I knew what this new emotional wall I’m hitting is all about: I don’t feel worthy of this new website.
Like – who am I to plaster my smiling mug all over the login screen like that?
When I designed this page, I was DELIGHTED with it! I thought “it’s like I am right there smiling and welcoming them in!”
But now that “who do you think you are???!?!?” voice has taken over and trying to shame me into NOT showing up in this new way.
This is good.
Every time I level up in some way (and I must say that levelling up is NOT all about things you can measure – like an increase in income or audience – there are infinite ways to level up and our dreams will need us to level up in all sorts of un-measurable ways along the way) I come across my inner resistance to showing up BIGGER and BRIGHTER and TRUER.
This resistance is made up of parts of me who need healing before they can feel safe with me taking my next steps in living my most brave, free and authentic life.
We ALL have these parts. We live in a culture that is constantly telling us who we should be and what we should want so living by your internal compass feels TERRIFYING for some parts of us.
This is just a part of the work.
It’s never a sign that we really CAN’T do this, or that we am NOT good enough or NOT worthy of having what we want.
It’s just a thing we have to work on, a part of the process. Just as important as making the website or recording the podcast or writing the book or making the art.
This is why Dream Work and Inner Work need to be a part of your daily practices! Otherwise you don’t notice this stuff because it’s all happening way beneath the surface – and the stuff you don’t notice about yourself has a LOT of control over you.