I had a pretty trippy dream last night.
It had some traumatic elements and some really fun elements woven together in that weird dream way - like Simone Grace was the person letting people in to the Canadian Video Music Awards, and I recognized her but she didn’t recognize me, but she did let me in!
But the main theme of the dream was betrayal, like betrayals on top of betrayals. And that left me feeling pretty uncomfortable this morning - kind of raw and sad, without knowing why.
My first reaction to waking up feeling this way is “NO! I can’t! I have so much to do that really needs clear-headedness today!”
But of course you can’t just “No I can’t!” your feelings away, not even dream-feelings. So I’m just sitting here, being with that feeling so I can process it and not have it interfere with my day.
First there is this rush to bullet-proof my life somehow to make sure I am never betrayed.
Then concern that I am being betrayed and I don’t know where and maybe this dream is trying to tell me something.
But the feelings starts to shift around and change when I come to: people are going to do what they’re going to do and I can’t control that, I actually trust myself to take care of myself whatever happens...
It’s the places where I betray MYSELF that are really brutal.
Then I feel a sense of forgiveness.
I’m realizing I have felt betrayed by the person who I was trusting with my online business operations. And that somewhere inside myself, I have blamed ME for making a wrong choice. Six years of 100% depending on them to keep everything operational… to then see that all the little red flags of course DO add up to something and they are NOT trustworthy.
But I’m not 100% sure I placed my trust in the wrong place, I believe I did the best I could with what I knew at the time AND this situation HAS taught me and next time I think I’ll see the truth sooner.
The act of taking my power back and taking control of this aspect of my business is… well not to be dramatic about it but it’s actually FLATTENING ME right now.
The volume of decisions to be made, the level of detail - my already-Covid-lessenened-mental-capacity is not up for this task.
At the same time, my creative self is THRILLED.
My dreams are THRILLED.
Yes, this is a rough patch where my dream is stretching me - but I've been in these places before and they always lead to something good. Like, this is how my dreams grow me, it’s always worked like this and by now I can trust the process.
So it’s kind of a weird place to be, of trusting the process AND being flattened by it at the same time.
The way I feel flattened right now - that’s similar to how the betrayal on betrayal felt in the dream.
Like I did betray myself to end up in this place?
I think that’s the toxic positivity+ love + light culture speaking.
That sense that if things are hard now that means I did something wrong. I wasn’t positive or loving enough so I am out of the flow. I am to blame. That’s bullshit but it’s so pervasive in our culture where we blame people for their hard knocks.
The thing is, this rough spot I’m in right now is GOOD. It’s the exact right place for me to be right now.
I’m being grown in the ways I need to grow to get to the next level.
This new online classroom I am creating is a HUGE “up levelling” for the Creative Dream Incubator. I get to create the VIBE and I am LOVING that.
And I get to decide how all of the behind-the-scenes stuff works in terms of how classes are delivered and accessed and this is REALLY cool because my classes are actually CONTAINERS FOR TRANSFORMATION so this way I get to set them up to be more flexible to support all the wild and wonderful and strange ways your transformation will occur.
I love that part.
It’s just that building more flexible systems is exponentially more work.
And I do want ME to be the one doing this work, building the container. Usually people hire experts to do this kind of work.
It’s kind of funny that I do have the skills for this. I have a Bachelor of Applied Arts in Fashion Design, I took a lot of courses in the elements and principles of design (which work for websites the same as for fashion) and visual communication. I taught myself html after university (which is easy to do online). I learned how to use Beaver Builder for WordPress a few years ago - a theme that allows me to put my ideas onto the pages of my website. I also learned how automations work to deliver course content over the last few years.
I have everything I need to do this.
I started writing this to help me process the feelings from my dream and now those feelings have cleared, I feel plugged back into my purpose + passion for this project and ready to get to work.
I think I am 1-2 weeks away from the move! But I thought the same thing 1 week ago, so who knows? When I get REALLY close, I will close registration for Dream Book, and will open it back up after everyone is moved.