Update 38: I don’t wanna.


This week I don’t really want to do an update, which probably means that it’s more important than usual that I do one.

So I’m going back to the creative journal prompts for staying on track with your dreams for some help getting going.

My dream is:

I want it because:

When I have it I will feel:

My dream is: In this moment I can’t say what my dream is.? I feel all sorts of annoyance and frustration about this.

I decide to zoom back and look at the bigger picture.? In the grand scheme of things, my dream is to create a life that feels true to me, that allows me to be me and to keep growing into who I want to be next, a life that supports the unfolding of my creative and spiritual potential.

When I see it that way, it’s ok to not know what specific dream I want to work on right now.? I’m on a big journey and some parts will be foggy.

I want it because: Anything else feels like I’m betraying myself.

When I have it I will feel: Oh, this is what’s stuck.

I want to say that when I have it I will feel happy and free and blissfully in the moment in every moment.? Of course this is not how life works.? And it’s in living with what we don’t want that we get clear on what we do want.? Discomfort can create new creative opportunities.? This is what life on earth is all about.

Remembering that, when I have it I will feel sure.? And I don’t feel sure this week.

Well that is interesting.

If my dream is to feel sure, that feels true and that feels like it changes things.

Past me created a schedule for 2014 of classes that I would create for the Creative Dream Circle.? This schedule was really important to past me.? And it has felt like the perfect container for growth.

But present me is a little tired of the schedule.? Present me wants more space for inspiration to swoop in and send her in new directions.? Present me is starting to feel a bit like this is a hamster wheel of productivity.

Present me also hates admitting that because present me is also ridiculously grateful that this is her job, and also inspired and happy about the classes themselves, and she wants to make them.

It’s just that she doesn’t feel that she has a SAY in whether or not she makes them, which she doesn’t because past me made that decision for her.

So present me would be perfectly happy doing this work if she felt it was her choice to do the work.

Remembering now HOW I created this schedule – past me absolutely did check in with future me (now present me).? Future me knew that she’d be kind of tired by now and would need a bit of a break but that this was also the right way to go this year.? Future me (now present me) was excited about creating these classes.

Also, this “I’m tired” thing is actually bullshit.? I’m not tired.? I don’t need a break. ? Every time I feel like I need a break I actually need a new attitude.? (Because the truth is I take breaks every time I need them.? But when I go around feeling like I need a break no matter how many breaks I have – it’s not about needing a break)

Oh boy, I can see why I didn’t want to write an update this week.? It feels like I’ve opened up a can of worms.? But the can needed opening, I was suffocating in there.

I’m not tired because of my actual workload.? I’m tired because of the expectations I place on myself.

I’m tired thinking about what’s next.? Meanwhile I have all the time and space I need right now to do what’s right now.

I feel like this can go on for quite some time, but I’m going to move onto the next questions:

What happened in the last week?

How do I feel about this?

What do I need now?

What does my dream need now?

Taking all of this into account, my next mission is:

What happened? I started this week on the highest possible high.? Last week 30 new people joined the Circle! I’m excited about the Mandala class I’m creating!? I’m crazy happy with these sundresses I’ve been making!? I’m riding my bike!? Life is amazing!

And then – well I wrote yesterday about resentment.? I’ve been feeling pretty tangled up.

Partly because it’s just that time of the month when everything kind of sucks.

Partly because I started working on the new Mandala class and starting new things brings up a lot of stuff.? Though I worked through SO MUCH of that stuff and am making steady progress now.

Creating anything new is about growing into the you-who-did-the-thing.? And inner growth is not always comfortable.? That kind of explains this week.

How do I feel about this?? I feel annoyed that this isn’t easier for me by now.

What do I need now? Ease.

What does my dream need now? For me to be more present with it.

Taking all of this into account, my next mission is: to set up stronger containers next week.

Strong, study, nurturing containers for getting-things-done-in-a-state-of-joy-ness.

I’ll experiment with this on Monday, but I’m seeing more time spent with creativespiritual practices, a stricter schedule and more quiet time in the evenings.

Thank you, update!

I feel like I was dragged kicking and screaming to do this this week, but I am so glad I did.? I feel like I’m back on solid ground and am very grateful for the study container for growing dreams that the weekly updates create.