I feel resentful, and ashamed that I feel resentful and resisting both feeling resentful and feeling ashamed and telling myself I should feel differently.
Oy. No wonder it is hard to get to work this morning.
My feelings, even the most vicious and angry ones, rarely show up as monsters. But today, this feeling, is a monster.
I?m sitting across the table from it. I?m placing two facts on the table:
- How I feel is valid. It doesn?t have to make sense to my logical mind.
- This is the time of the month when everything feels wrong. Maybe I can cut myself some slack?
As the monster picks up these two facts, he transforms into the Cookie Monster. The two facts are now chocolate chip cookies which are quickly being gobbled up.? There are crumbs flying everywhere.
Crumbs. Little crumbs of what is true.
I get to feel how I feel. Things get to suck right now. Or, actually things don?t suck but I get to feel like they suck.
Well that doesn?t make sense. Life is going soooo good for you right now, it?s so stupid that you would feel resentful about anything! Look at how much you have!
So, you can?t agree that my feelings don?t have to make sense? Would you say that to someone else? If someone felt sad would you tell them to feel happy?
No. Of course not. If you felt sad that would be ok. But resentful? With everything that you have? That?s gross.
Oh, so I don?t get to feel resentful, ever?
You have no reason to.
Why is resentful different from sad? If I can be sad for no reason why can?t I be resentful for no reason?
Because resentful is ugly. You have to be a small bitter little person to be resentful when you have everything that you have.
Wow, who make up that rule?
It?s just?. I don?t know. It?s true.
Remember that cookie you ate that said that how I feel is valid?
Yeah, it?s giving me indigestion.
OK. So if all feelings are valid, then you get to feel judgmental and upset that I feel resentful, and I get to feel resentful.
I hand Cookie Monster some bubblegum flavoured medicine for his indigestion.
Yikes!? I was trying to change how the monster felt, so it would validate how I feel.
But the truth is that all feelings are valid and there is space here for all feelings.
The table got bigger, and instead of sitting at small, hard chairs now we?re sitting in great big comfy stuffed sofas.
But it?s interesting, Cookie Monster, how much judgement and upset you have towards me feeling resentful.? When did it become a rule that I don?t get to feel resentful?
Oh. Right. That’s when.
OK, no need to re-hash that story but yes I see where and when and how it became a rule that I don?t get to feel resentful. And I see that you, Cookie Monster, are trying to make sure I?m ok.
Because it?s not safe to feel resentful.
But that was then. And now I make the rules. And it really is a rule that I get to feel whatever I actually feel.
*poof* Cookie Monster disappears.
I am alone with my resentment, which is a small red glowing ember.
It feels like it?s been buried for a long time. And it has a lot that it can teach me, but first we need to get to know each other.