This is from about a month ago and it's amazing to look back and see how much things have changed since. I did do the brainstorm I talked about in the end and have made some changes that feel SOOOO supportive. This work WORKS!
+++++++
I feel like I am under so much pressure and I don’t know why and as a part of trying to figure it out, I have asked “You are not moving fast enough” to meet me here in the un-sticking station.
She’s crabby, kicking at the ground “I hate it here”
Why?
Because change happens here. There’s possibility in the air (said with heavy sarcasm).
Yeah, I have been un-sticking stucks in this place for a very long time.
I’m not a stuck.
I hear you. What are you?
The truth.
The truth?
Yes. You are moving way too slow. That’s just a fact.
I can agree that this is YOUR truth and respect that, but I don’t agree that it’s a universal fact.
Well that’s stupid.
You are entitled to see it that way. And what if we don’t need to agree about that? Can we agree that you pushing me to move faster isn’t actually working?
What?!?
Can you see that? The more you push me, the more pressured I feel, then I start to feel anxious then I am in a panic attack and then very little is going to happen. I actually DO want to move these projects forward (and actually I AM moving them forward, slowly*)
I thought you just need MORE pressure then eventually it will pop and movement will happen.
That’s an explosion.
Yeah! An explosion of productivity!
It will be an explosion of… I don’t know, chaos, falling apart, mess.
Oh…
You see it now?
I see it now.
I get that pressure might work for some people. But not me, right? You can see that?
I think I am starting to get it… you really do want to do these things, but you need time.
Then it’s like a lightbulb goes off.
The part of me who doesn’t trust me, or my dreams, wants to pressure me to get there. The part of me who trusts myself and my dreams knows I need to move slow…
But both parts of me see that I need something that I don’t currently have. What we are doing isn’t working.
I need more structure. This part of me thought that PRESSURE was the answer but SUPPORT is the answer and STRUCTURE is what would be the most supportive right now.
Next steps: brainstorm what kinds of structure might help and do some experiments and TRY TRY TRY to not put pressure on myself to figure out the support part right away.
*This is too much for right now, but we also need to have a discussion about letting “fast” and “slow” TOTALLY CHANGE. Like TOTALLY CHANGE. The world has changed and I have changed and what is fast and what is slow can change as well.
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