A tidal wave is coming for me

Last weekend I was in an Un-Sticking Station meditation and couldn’t find the thing to focus on/invite in.

There was too much happening inside me to be able to focus on any one thing.

So I did my best to just stay with all of the sensations in my mind and body and then I felt it:

There is a tidal wave of healing coming at me.

This last month it feels like SO MANY PIECES fell into place. The ways I’ve been healing and recovering from how the early pandemic experience flattened me, and all the ways I have explored all the things that got stirred up in that process…

All of that somehow came together and I’ve been feeling renewed. So excited about my life. Like things are opening up. My creative, work and self care routines feel so solid and nourishing. 

It’s like I stepped up, and this stepping up unleashed a tidal wave.

I don’t understand it.

I’m just trying to be with it.

So today I am meeting the tidal wave in the Un-Sticking Station.

It’s huge. It could absolutely destroy me.

I’m just standing here, looking up at it, undefended. Kind of curious about how “undefended” is how I feel. 

The total wave speaks: “There is no way to defend yourself from me. I’m here. I’m unimaginably huge. There is no where to escape.”

And yet, right here in this moment, I don’t feel in immediate danger from the wave. It’s frozen in front of me.

So I sit down. Spread out a picnic. Offer it a cup of tea. It accepts, and these little arms come out of the wave, to pour little sips of tea into it.

“Oh that’s nice, Earl Grey?”

“Yes, I’ve been putting a bit of my homemade lavender syrup in it.”

“So good”

“So, is this the practice? To practice being undefended in the face of you? To offer you tea?”

“I”m still coming for you. It’s not an attack, it’s just a happening.”

“But as I sit here, you don’t seem as ominous or scary. It seems almost purposeful? And I remember how UNDEFENDED is the term that came to mind about how I feel and that seems like it’s about how there is nowhere to hide, and no way to impact what is coming…”

Which makes me think of the ways I (and all of us!) can avoid inner work even while doing inner work. The places where we won’t go. The parts we don’t see.

A tidal wave implies the loss of the ability to do that. Scary but also - "next level" in a good way.

I offer the wave the rest of my cookies and let it know I’ll be back to visit tomorrow, if it’s still here.

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