Conversation With My Inner Critic: Not Believing In Yourself Is The Worst Feeling In The World

I wrote this on Monday, before sharing my new Creative Soul Alchemy Batter Tastings. ?I want to share it because I know a lot of people read my blog who want to be doing similar things to what I am doing, and I want to paint an honest picture of what it takes for me to be, and stay, connected to my creative genius, and be actively putting myself, and my ideas, out there.

Often we look at people who are “doing it” and assume it must be easy for her.

Which is not only not true, it puts you in the position of it’s not easy for me so I guess it’s not possible.

Which is bullshit.

And, which is why, even though it’s really uncomfortable for me to share so honestly and so publicly – it’s really the only way for me to be effective in my job of helping creatives bring their dreams to life.? So here goes:

I am tense achy sore cranky frustrated.

I lit some candles, sprayed some magic sprays, rang a bell and did a healing on the dream loft to lift the energy enough so I can breathe again. ?But I still feel 100% crappy, just down from %1000 crappy a few minutes ago.

It’s time to shift this, so I am having a Creative Soul Alchemy session with my inner critic. ??As always my inner critic speaks in?italics.

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So here I am, ?sitting on my yoga ball, in my newly re-arranged workspace, with my two BIG tables pushed together to create a GIANT table.

Well that’s dumb. ?You re-arranged your space to do this new thing and no one’s going to buy it! ?How’s it going to feel to have to move everything back because you failed?

You know, even if no one buys new thing #1 I know lots of people are going to participate in that other thing this summer, which will require a GIANT table for GIANT art-making.

You’re such a fucking pollyanna it’s so stupid! ?This is why you get you heart broken so much, you know. ?If you would just…

Just stop hoping? ?And dreaming? ?I can’t do that. ?I AM GOING TO BE ME. ?That is final.

I know, and it’s terrifying.

Can you tell me what is scary right now?

No one is going to want your new thing.

I understand that you think that, and that’s cool. ?But why is it SUCH a big problem? ?I don’t remember feeling this scared or stressed out in a long time. ?I’m not sure why this particular thing is so scary.

Because the price is wrong.

The price is not wrong. ?I think you know that.

You’re right. ?The price is not wrong. ?But no one will pay this price for this product/service.

It’s cool that you think that, I’m still confused about why it’s such a huge problem. ?You don’t think anyone will buy anything. ?And this is just a batter tasting, to see how it goes. ?If no one buys then I know it doesn’t work as a thing-to-sell and I move on.

This is awful because the price has to be even higher for the real thing than for the batter tasting, to be sustainable. ?And no one pays that much money for art! ?And your Creative Soul Alchemy cards are life-alteringly gorgeous, like on a SOUL LEVEL. ?Like, Creative Soul Alchemy is what they actually are! ?This is needed! ?And it’s going to fail! ?I’m not sad for you as much as I am sad for the world that it’s going to miss out on this. ?Also kind of sad for you but I know you’ll still make the cards for yourself so that’s good.

So there are 2 things there:

  1. the idea that no one pays for art
  2. immense immense love for the cards

Let’s start with #2.

I didn’t?realise?how much love you have for the cards! ?I?appreciate?that so much! ?Suddenly I feel less tense and stressed out. ?I feel grateful for everything that has happend in my life, that brought me here to this idea and feeling ready to bring this idea to life.

But it’s not ready, that’s the thing.

So what would it take for it to be ready?

That’s impossible.

And that’s how we know that you are believing a lie. ?Nothing is impossible, there is always a way. ?I think we should address that thing that is sitting just beneath this conversation: the idea that people don’t buy art. ?You understand that this is absurd, right?

Let me explain. ?I know people buy art. ?And for millions, not hundreds. ?Or at least thousands. ?But the kind of people who want your art don’t buy art.

You can hear how ludicrous that is, right? ?Let’s think back to the love you have for this project. ?Let that love be a bubble of sparkles. ?Take the idea that no one wants to pay for this thing and put it in the bubble. ?What happens?

The idea that no one wants to pay for this thing shows up as a dusty deck of cards that no one wanted. ?When I put it into the bubble the dust goes away (because of all the glitter) and it turns out the bubble is full of tiny people who run over, like RUN over to take the cards. ?Then they hug the cards and you can see tiny red hearts coming out of them. ?They love the cards. ?They get it.

Yes. ?There’s the shift. ?So what is true now?

There there are people who will love the cards. ?There are people who will get it, see the value in it, and be so so so so SO thrilled to get their own custom made deck of magic.

I only have space for 8 batter tasters. ?And if that goes as I hope it will and I start to do this regularly, there is still a very limited about of these that I am going to be able to create each month. ?If you take that number, and compare it to the number of people in the world – how likely is it that there are enough people out there that will want it?

Very. ?It’s just a matter of finding them.

Right. And we can work on that part.

Right.

So I feel better, do you feel better?

Yes. ?I can’t wait!

So let’s do a blessing for all the people that the Creative Soul Alchemy cards are for.

OK.

{do blessing together}

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And there it is. ?I feel ready to put this thing out tomorrow. (which is now yesterday)

That conversation is only the last in a long line of conversations and healing sessions I do with my inner critic(s).

I say that to make it very very clear for you: feeling like you can’t do something doesn’t mean you can’t do it. ?It just means you have to work on the inner stuff first.

PS: Creative Soul Alchemy Card Batter Tastings are available here.

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