Grief & Magic.

My grandparents: My grandmother made these giant loaves of bread every year for Thanksgiving, to show what she was grateful for.

Yesterday it was four years since my grandmother died.? My mom posted some photos on Facebook and I was all ” four years, has it been that long” and “no way it’s been four whole years already” at the same time.

It’s really hard to measure missing someone in years.

I thought back to four years ago, and how devastated I was.? My grandmother was 89 and in excellent health.? She was independent and creative.? She was living a full life and we were planning a big bash for her 90th.? Her death was very sudden.

I know everybody says this after people are gone, but she really was the best person ever.

And I was sad for me for losing her, but I was also sad for the world for losing her.

I was lucky enough to grow up with all four of my grandparents, and she was the last one I lost.? It changed things for me in a way I did not understand at the time.

It was my grandmother’s death that planted the seeds for me to leave my cushy office job and set out to live my life more fully on my own terms.

At that point I was already leading my own creativity workshops, doing spiritual healing & counseling and leading healing and meditation circles – all while working at my day job.? By then I had worked my way down to 4 days/week and was absolutely blissed out to have the opportunity to be doing what I wanted to do, even though I wasn’t able to do it full time.

At that time, I didn’t think I would EVER do my creativespiritual work as my full time gig.

But after my grandmother died it felt like something changed.

Frankly, it felt like time to grow up.? Which maybe makes sense – I was about to turn 36.

Though she was not the first person I have lost, her death really shook me up and reminded me of how precious life is and not to waste any of it.

And that happiness I was feeling about “only” working 4 days a week so I could spend 3 days devoted to my creative and spiritual adventures started to turn to annoyance.

It was only three months later that I moved down to 3 days a week at my job, and let my boss know that I would be leaving by the end of the year.

No one believed me.

It seemed to unlikely that someone would give up the security of a job with a generous pension and benefits package to strike out on their own to teach people about the magic of glitter and positive thinking (which is how my co-workers described my early workshops).

But I was determined. Not because I wanted to build a big business or become rich or internet-famous, but because I wanted to live my real life.

I realised that life was too precious to spend it doing anything other than what feels TRUE for me.? And I liked my job, but I couldn’t say that it felt TRUE, down to the depths of my being, for me to spend my days doing that work.

No matter how uncertain life as an entrepreneur is, it feels TRUE.

So yesterday I was taking that in.

How much has changed.? How much I have changed.? How I feel about my life today.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling super-great.? So I was taking it easy.? Drawing mandalas, re-arranging my work schedule to suit my energy, extra meditation, lavender tea lattes.

Four years ago, if I wasn’t feeling super-great I’d have been drinking extra coffee and maybe get a cupcake or something as a treat to get myself through the day.

Pursuing your dreams is a risk.? There is no doubt about that.

But I think we don’t think enough about what kind of risk you take in NOT going for it.?

I was imagining what I’d be like today if I was still in that job.? My whole body kind of tenses up.? I’d feel further away from my purpose and my creativity.? I wouldn’t be practicing extreme self-care as a way of living.? I wouldn’t have the Dream Loft.? I wouldn’t feel fulfilled by my work the way I do now.

That’s not who I want to be.

At the time, I thought it was all about money.? About how I needed my job because I didn’t know how to make enough money to support myself without it.

I thought the life I really wanted was impossible because of money.

In hindsight, that’s ridiculous.

It wasn’t about money.? It was about courage, and learning to trust myself and my creativity.? It was about stretching my comfort zone.? It was about how much more powerful I am when I am living in integrity with my inner truth.

And I promise: the life you really want is possible.? But it’s not going to come to you, you have to go to it.

And if you want my help sorting this out – I’m here.? My Creative With Money e-course starts tomorrow.

I can promise you that in this course you?ll meet money in a totally different way ? this is not like anything else out there.? You’ll see new possibilities for how to live your REAL life.

And I can promise to be there with you on the journey.? I?ll be active in the class forum, answering your questions, helping you get through the stuck places and cheering you on.

The Creative With Money e-course? happens inside the Creative Dream Circle.?? Once you join the Circle, you’re in for a whole year.? This means you get this plus ALL of the other courses I run all year long – for just $100.