I am at one of those monumental moments on the path to a dream.
I cleared space in my schedule. I have the supplies I need. There is nothing stopping me.
I can… do the thing.
So what am I doing? Drinking coffee and cruising the internet, lol.
Thinking about how I am almost out of milk and should I go for a walk to get some or put in my next grocery order right away, and if so, then I need to figure out some meal plan stuff so I know what else I need…
And then I stop and think about the miracles and hard work that got me to this place, where I HAVE A WHOLE DAY TO FOCUS ON THIS THING.
And ask myself if I want to use this precious day for scrolling and meal planning.
No… but….
This is ALWAYS a scary place to be.
Nothing stopping me. No excuses. Just me and my dream…
It’s kind of like a creative dream vacuum where the lack of external obstacles draws in every doubt, fear and bit of resistance we have.
So what am I going to do about it?
I did put down my phone. I picked up my laptop to write about it. Because when I can’t DO THE THING, writing about why I am not doing it really does help get to a place of doing it!
So, Andrea, what is the problem? Why aren’t you starting?
I don’t know where to start.
That is a good point! You don’t actually have a plan for that, do you?
Nope. Just all these ideas for things I want to do, no thoughts on how to START doing any of them.
So how about we write down all the ideas, and then put them in order?
Well that’s logical but I'm afraid I would leave something out, and that thing left out would be THE THING I am supposed to do first, and then everything will be messed up.
Wow, you really don’t want to start, hey?
I do, I just want to start RIGHT. This means so much to me, I want to get it right.
Oh honey.
I know, you don’t have to say it. There is no such thing as getting it right and if there was, it sure wouldn’t happen as the very first step of this project!!!
Right, but let’s VALIDATE your feelings. Remember CREATIVE DREAM ALCHEMY: you work with the thing that is there. It sounds like the thing that is here is how very important this project feels for you. Maybe we start with something that acknowledges what this means to you?
Oh that’s a good idea. But what is that?
My eyes fall on the new sketchbook I started late last week.
Oh, maybe this new sketchbook is actually… this seems crazy but… maybe it’s the sketchbook for this project?
Why would that be crazy?
Because I started that sketchbook for a very specific reason and I didn’t see, like not even a little bit, how that reason is quite connected to this project.
So the new sketchbook is definitely not a part of this new project.
Yes. No. I mean!!!!!! They were two totally separate things, but now that I am here, figuring out how to start, I am starting to see how they are actually the same thing. They DO work together. There's more than I have the words to share here just yet, but the sketchbook is about making space for my grief/anger/rage/hope about everything that is happening, like space to name every thing that is upsetting me and space to express every upsetting feeling in detail... all in the name of validating that THIS FEELS WRONG because THIS IS WRONG and... the main point... visioning a future that is RIGHT. Where all life on this planet is treated as sacred. So the sketchbook was place for my own process and the art project is where I create from different thoughts and feelings from the process. And now it's like - oh of course this sketchbook is a part of this art.
So then yes, it seems like listing project ideas as a way to start feels so… logical and meaningless in comparison to the deep meaning and soul that is actually in this project. And also the breadth of it - there is SO MUCH ART COMING. We need a way in that matches that depth and breadth.
Yup.
I just sit with this for a few minutes.
Something inside me, that feels like a part of my soul, is getting really excited.
I feel like I am on the right track. I can’t just…. start. Like turning on a machine and pumping out art.
There is something else that needs to happen, to honour how deep and important this project feels to me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about technique. I’ve been doing projects to practice, to get my embroidery skills back to where they used to be, knowing that this will bring back my beading skills should they be a part of this too. I’d been learning lino printing and collecting printing inks for textiles, which feels like a part of this AND... I just don’t know how they fit together. There is so much experimentation to be done in terms of technique.
But that’s not the art.
My eyes keep landing back on that sketchbook.
I think that is the only place to start.
By journaling about my intentions for this project.
And then journaling/brainstorming ideas for ways to begin the art?
No that doesn’t feel right….
Oh! Journaling/brainstorming ideas for what I want the process to be like. That’s the way to start!!! 
If I get myself into the process, then the art will emerge from that.
WOW!!!! I can’t explain how exciting this feels to be at this place, ready to begin, and to see a way to begin that honours everything I feel about this project.
PS: that photo at the top was taken many hours after I wrote this - evidence that I journaled, brainstormed, and found my way in. I am doing new experiments about how to bring my other experiments together.
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