Saying “I want to be in the flow!” is generally the worst way to get there, because energetically it points out how you’re not in the flow now and plugs you into that part of you who so desperately wants to be there, but is not.
Scheduling a meeting with flow seems to work in kind of the same way, as that’s what I had on my calendar for today…? meeting with the heart and soul of flow to put together the materials for the Playdate with Flow that is happening in the Circle next week.
And most of the day I’ve been decidedly out-of-flow.
Hot and sweaty.? Shopping (SHOPPING!? Not a hot-day favourite in my world, I got a sunburn on my arm just driving to the mall) for the insulated curtain liners I swore I would buy this spring so that my 2 storey wall of south-facing windows didn’t turn the DreamLoft into a HellSauna as soon as it got hot.
Annoyed with myself for not having bought the liner sooner.? Why do I still put things off?? And why why why can’t I start acting like a grown-up already?? I’m 39, shouldn’t that have happened by now?
Annoyed with the condo developer for not installing better heat-blocking windows.
Frustrated that it’s summer but I’m not at the beach.
Getting blisters from my cute butterfly shoes because my feet are hot and sweaty and sticking to my shoes in weird places.
Not a recipe for being in the flow, that’s for sure.
But here I am.? Showing up anyway.
And flow meets me with open arms and says “Oh honey, I don’t even have to say it, right?? I’m always here for you, that’s what I do.? I’m even in the mall and on hot sweaty days and when everything goes wrong.? I’m here.”
She shows up like a serpent with angel wings.
And I like her, and I like being around her, even though I don’t like snakes.
I want to be all “OK, let’s do this.? We have some work to do” but I just kind of curl up in the corner, exhausted.? Flow brings me a cup of tea and a reminder that pushing myself to get work done is not flow-like.? And that it would be impossible to create my Playdate with Flow from that place.
I sip the tea.
Tea is a source of flow.? Not when I have it just for a little energy jolt, when I have it simply to enjoy having it.
Resting is a source of flow.
Curling up is a source of flow.
Being present in my inner world is a source of flow.
“Not controlling the outcomes is a source of flow.” she whispers as I am starting to wonder… am I going to get my work done today or is not getting the work done the way the work gets done and if so – well, how do I get the work done because it really does need to get done.
Except it doesn’t really need to get done today, I guess.
Ohhhh… today I need to meet with flow and not dictate how the meeting goes.
“Sweetie it’s kind of funny how often you forget.? You can plan to meet with me – I love that you did that.? But you can’t plan to meet with me so I’ll whisper secrets in your ear that help you get your work done at a speed that defies the laws of the gravity.? Trying to control the outcome of your meeting with flow lands you right back out-of-flow.”
Oh, so Flow doesn’t want to help me write the
workplaybooks.? Or maybe she does.? But she can’t/won’t do it if I am trying to make it happen.? Force and Flow cann’t co-exist.
I forgot about being open to the adventure of being where I am.
I can see how it was me wanting the planning for this Playdate to happen in a certain way that pushed some blocks into the path between me and Flow and everything just got more funky the longer I left those blocks there, insisting that this is how it has to happen.
Now it’s me and Flow and a tea party.? Little cookies on darling little plates.? The air sparkles with magic.? My expectations about how this day was supposed to go are all wrapped up in little packages, sitting just outside arm’s reach.? I can pick them back up if I want, or I can leave them there as long as I like.
There are big cushy pillows everywhere.? Soft happy music is playing.? The room is brighter.
I’m trusting that my work will get done when it gets done, and remembering that my best work happens when it comes from flow.
And it seems really silly and short-sighted now, that I was so hell-bent on getting this work done NOW.