One of my big DREAMS for this year is to BE the artist that I AM, and explore what this even means and what I want to do about it.
This dream has really put me through the wringer.
I did start with this strong, physical sensation that I am not BEING the artist that I AM and I have felt so many different kinds of despair over not understanding how to bridge that gap.
Creative dreaming is brutal sometimes.
One thing I knew was that BEING the artist that I AM is not about what, specifically, I am creating. It’s not about anything that anyone else can necessarily see.
Of course, you can’t say “I’m an artist” and not have the next question coming at you be about what kind of art you produce.
We are culturally programmed to focus on the product.
But for me, to BE the artist that I AM is really much more about the BEING. And a big thing I learned this year is that all the time and effort I put in to trying to describe this in a way that might make sense to another person is absolutely wasted.
Next-level creativity is not usually a linear journey.
Like you start with 4x4” paintings and next level is 8x8” and you just keep going.
(Although of course at times “next level” really does mean going big in a physical way but that’s NOT the rule.)
Next level is also not about more complicated forms of art, or “better technical skill” which makes me cringe to write.
So we are culturally programmed to focus on the product. And I am personally trying SO FUCKING HARD to un-do a lot of colonial/extractive capitalist/Imperialist programming….
… but it still keeps popping up.
I still kept wanting to KNOW what it would LOOK LIKE. What kind of art I would make if I was truly BEING the artist that I AM?
And somewhere inside I was also putting so much pressure on myself to MAKE THAT ART and have it be so amazing and compelling and marketable that it would cement my worth as an artist and a human.
I mean - no pressure or anything.
lol! sob!
So I spent a lot of this year absolutely cemented stuck in with my inner critics and self doubt.
Which is not wrong! This was my process!
Getting so deep in there did help me see things in a new light, and I think I was able to loosen up a few really tight spots.
I’m feeling less encumbered by it all right now.
I’ve actually…. made art. Like on paper, outside of my journal (for some reason my inner critic absolutely will not acknowledge the books upon books I have filled with art because they are “just journals”)
I am not interested in sharing any of that art, which is fine!
And now I do feel inspired to begin new projects. In fact I went shopping this weekend for supplies and every time I look at them I feel SO MUCH JOY. And I haven't even started the projects yet!
But what amazes me is how there is this one inner voice that just won’t stop… it wants to map out the artistic process FROM THE END.
Like, reverse engineer it to GUARANTEE SUCCESS. So the art will %1000 (extra zero not a typo) cement my worth as an artist and human being.
START WITH THE GOAL. Then make art that will SUCEED in that environment.
Like. BLEGH.
That’s not AT ALL what BEING the artist I AM is.
And I’ve been through this almost-year-long process of trying to detangle all this shit so I can be more true to myself creatively.
And it just keeps rearing its ugly head.
This is ok.
This is not a failure.
This is the process.
Artists are meant to CREATE culture. The places where we betray our souls to comply with dominant culture are places where our light is dimmed.
And it’s really complicated because we live inside dominant culture and need to collude with it in some ways to survive. Plus all the ways we need approval, acceptance and belonging and all the layers of where that gets messy!
And I am NOT saying that all forms of art that get sold are sell outs!!!!
But right now I definitely need to keep wrestling with this, and working on what it means for me to create art WITHOUT thinking of an end goal, while focusing solely on BEING the artist that I AM.
Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:
Come to the forum to share your Dream Status Report or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.
Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.
Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.
Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.
If you're not a member - find out more + join us here!
