I just spent most of this afternoon thinking it was kinda weird that I was not doing the thing I wanted to do this afternoon.?? But whenever I sat down to do it, I would feel kind of, I don’t know – fuzzy or something.? And then I would end up doing something else.
I even took a really glorious nap.? (My bedroom loft has a floor to ceiling, wall to wall south window.? It’s ridiculously sunny which makes naps feel glorious to me.)
And I just made myself an iced coffee thinking… well maybe I’m just tired, maybe I’ve been cycling more than usual.? Maybe an iced coffee is all I need.
Then I did some art journaling.
And, like it does, my journal brought me right smack into the truth.
I’m not tired or fuzzy or anything else.? I’m procrastinating because I’m scared.
And I’ve been dancing around this fear because, well, I shouldn’t have it.? It’s not logical so I should be able to just ignore it, right?
Deep breath.? One Million Reminders that all feelings are valid and important.
OK then fear, pull up a chair, let’s talk.
Oh, wait, you’re not fear – who are you?
As if you didn’t know.? I’m your embarrassment.? You’re embarrassed about what you’re afraid of.
Embarrassment is wearing suspenders and a bow tie and he keeps popping in and out of invisibility, like it can tell I don’t want it to be here even though it dressed up for me.? Embarrassment tries so hard, it’s hard not to love him.? I give him a hug and he disappears.
OK, fear, it’s just you and me now.? Can we do this?
I don’t want you to make me do the thing like it’s no big deal. It IS a big deal.
Just because you’ve done it a million times before does NOT mean it’s not scary!
I need to go slower.? And be more deliberate.? And let this take up more space.? You want me to just *pouf* do it like it’s no big thing and it IS, IT IS A BIG THING.
Fear is a talking balloon head who gets bigger the more upset he is.? He’s taking up the whole dream loft right now (and I do have 20′ ceilings).
Yes, this is HUGE, I hear you.? I’m sorry, I didn’t want it to be big because, well, it would be easier if it was small.
That’s stupid.? You can’t just pretend it’s something it’s not.? It’s a BIG AND SCARY THING you are doing.? It’s not small, easy or fast.? Not physically or emotionally or in any allys.
I like what you said about letting this take up more space and going slower and more deliberately.? What if, every day between now and then, I spend lots of time just being with the thing?? I can write about it or work on it or journal about it or take a bike ride with it.
Yes- ACCLIMATE TO IT.
Fear, you are very wise.? I’m sorry I didn’t listen sooner.? Let’s go make a list in my art journal of all the reasons why this thing is HELLA SCARY.
Fear deflates down to the size of my hand, and his face is mostly a big smile now.
Hey, all I needed was for you to recognize the big scariness of this and to treat it accordingly.? You were treating it too lightly.? As long as you take it more seriously – you’ve got this.? It’s a big scary thing but you are a giant creative genius and you HAVE done this a million times before and you WILL do amazing at it.
Suddenly I notice that we are inside this cast iron fence which goes in a tiny circle around me, with the thing-I-am-afraid/embarrassed-to-be-afraid-of outside of the fence.? The fence is this really fantastical thing with pointy pointy tops and iron swirls between the posts and there is no way anything can get through it.
Then the fence disappears.
That was your procrastination.? So weird you couldn’t see it for what it was, until it was gone.
I notice fear isn’t really fear anymore, and he’s wearing a tiny badge on his tiny balloon body.? I lean in closer to see what it says….
Creative Guide & Fabulousness Mentor
Fear /CGFM is grinning from … well he doesn’t have ears but his whole balloon body is one giant grin.? He likes his new job.
My procrastination is gone.? My embarrassment is gone.? My fear is gone.? I’ve got a totally new approach for doing the thing.? I’m grinning from ear to ear.