Waking up in my new life

My husband moved out of the Dream Loft on Friday.

Saturday he came over to pick up some food from the fridge and then I went over to his place to have dinner with him and the kids.

Sunday I went through closets and drawers and packed up a whole bunch more stuff for him. (He's a packrat and I'm a minimalist - I wanted my closets and drawers to be neat and tidy again.)

He came to pick it up and we had a good long talk about where we are going and how we want to get there.

We both want to get to the same place, but we are not in agreement on how to get there.

But that feels ok. Like we can keep talking, tell the truth about what we need and do our best to make space for each other's needs, and we will find our way.

Sunday night, with all of his stuff really gone, with all this new space in the closets and drawers, I tidied and arranged and vacuumed.

And Monday it felt like I woke up in my new life.

So far it's quiet and sunny.

There is so much less stuff in here that more sun can find it's way in. (I probably do need to get some more furniture at some point, but right now all this empty space feels soothing to my soul)

I can leave papers on the kitchen table and no one will set a dirty coffee cup down on them.

I can use all the hot water any time I want without the slightest thought of saving some for someone else.

There are so many tiny gifts to living alone.

But mostly I am noticing: we should have done this sooner.

This last winter, with both of us living and working in a 1,000 sq ft open loft (it's 2 storeys, but the upstairs looks over the downstairs so no privacy unless you're in the bathroom), when it was too cold to go anywhere outside and everything was closed because we were in code red all winter long, plus with 2 teenagers here every weekend and sometimes during the week to do school from here - it was really hard.

But it's not just about the pandemic.

Us trying to live here together was always insane.

Everyone around us was telling us so.

We were just so in love and also thought it was temporary and we'd move to a different place and also maybe we were naive?

Not that I'm not glad we tried. I am.

There was *so much good* in living with Joseph. I don't believe I could have lived in this space with anyone else. He brings so many gifts into my life.

But the way I feel now, with this space TO BE ALL MINE, with quiet and sunshine and space to set up stations for all of my various alchemy rituals and have everything exactly how I want it - this is what I need right now.

It felt selfish to say " I just want my home to be exactly how I want it".

Like having a wonderful partner should be a good trade-off for making some compromises on decor choices.

Which maybe makes sense, but it's true that we BOTH wanted our home just the way we want it, and that our ideas of what that means are polar opposites from each other.

And - this is one of the hardest parts of ANY dream. Claiming what you REALLY want, even when it feels weird or selfish or uncomfortable or vulnerable or unlikely. Just wanting what you want.

And now I'm seeing it - making my home be exactly what I need means my home holds space for me, in a creative, emotional and spiritual way.

It becomes easier to stay in alignment with my growing dreams. It's easier to face the hard parts with courage. It's easier to be more creative and to have better ideas and... just... everything feels easier.

It's not just about how it looks. It's the emotional connection. How I FEEL in my space.

As an artist and highly sensitive empathic intuitive introvert - holy shit I need MY space. And it's not like I didn't know that! I totally knew that before.

And it's not that I don't miss him. I do.

But I missed ME. The me I am when I have enough alone time.

Also now that I have a little space, I'm seeing all the ways that living with someone and also taking on WIFE and MOM roles changed me in ways I don't want to changed.

I also see how they changed me in ways I DID want to be changed. And ways they changed me in surprising but also-needed ways.

I might want to write more about living in the patriarchy and the ways women in heterosexual relationships take on those stupid WIFE and MOM roles. Or about a relationship between an Indigenous person and a settler during the ongoing violent occupation that is Canada. Because writing here on my blog has always been a way of helping me find clarity and see new ways through.

For today I just want to say: WHOA.

That moment when you dream of a thing and plan for a thing and work at a thing and then all of a sudden it happens.

It's disorienting. Even when it was planned and worked for. It's still a change.

It's still: Wait, what? I actually get to have this thing I wanted? The world will let me have it?

And I wanted to send out a reminder to everyone: you get to want what you want.

And, if you want, you get to do the (inner + outer) work to actually get the thing.

And, if you want to do that work with me - join me in Dream Book, my creative mastermind + dream class for playing/creating/growing/healing your way into your dream.

Waking up in my new life

You’ve got a lot of magic in you.

And I’ve got a lot of tools, tips and practices to help you use it more effectively as FUEL for your DREAMS.

 

Start today! Get access to ALL of my free classes* here:

*Included classes:

 

Your Next Steps: a journaling + meditation class for navigating your next steps with your dream.

Help! I'm Stuck!: a 4 day class for getting un-stuck and transforming your stuck energy into FUEL for your dream.

The Hard Parts Are Where The Magic Happens: 80 minute healing circle and inner work workshop

Soothe*Restore*Grow: 80 minue deep dive into healing pandemic overwhelm and growing into your wildest dreams for what's next

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