I did a LOT of journaling today, going in circles with my resistance, and was going to share it and then... decided not to.
It's so messy and hard to follow that I don't think it's helpful to share.
I think it's more helpful to say that some days, "showing up" is so messy that you think you're doing everything wrong. But you're not.
Sometimes you are actually coming up against the internal patterns that need to shift for you to be able to do the thing you want to do.
And this is valuable work!
But some of those internal patterns are so deeply engrained you can't actually see them.
You just... push up against them. And they push up against you. And it's like... everything feels like it's falling apart.
But everything is actually IN PROCESS. This is the process of you moving towards the dream.
You just have to work through this thing first.
Even though you can't quite see it yet.
How could this NOT be messy?
I feel like I am in the middle of so many transformational journeys at once and I don’t know which way is up.
And the work is NOT to figure out which way is up ASAP.
The work is NOT to understand what is happening.
The work is ONLY to keep showing up and sitting with whatever is there.
Setting an intention, claiming a dream - this puts you in the process.
Showing up moves you through the process.
The process is an absolute fucking mess sometimes. There isn't another way to describe it.
If you are REALLY confronting your limiting beliefs, unhelpful patterns, all the stuff you learned from dominant culture about who you are and what you are supposed to want - well some of the work is MESSY.
Some of the work feels good!
Some of the work is inspiring!
Some of the work moves you forward exactly how you wanted to move forward.
But those parts are not more valuable than the hard parts.
And everything happening in the world can add another layer of stuff to the mix.
So I want to encourage you to meditate and journal MORE. Check in with yourself!! EXPRESS all the stuff swirling inside! Even if it's all messy and weird and nothing makes sense - maybe ESPECIALLY then.
This IS the work that will move you forward. This IS what healing and growth look like sometimes.
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