After my dream lab meeting where some voice wouldn’t let me think of ‘’my dream” as “my dream’ anymore, I thought two things:

This is a really good sign that I am on track with the thing I am working on - like “this is done. It’s in process. Move on to something else” is a way of trusting that it’s happening.

There is another thing I want: to be exercising more. Or moving my body more. I wasn’t thinking it is a DREAM since I usually do get so much movement. And there usually is a transition with this during seasonal transitions, and it’s awkward for a bit and then I’m fine.

But this year is different. Climate change is really impacting the way our seasons shift which impacts what kind of outdoor movement is possible. This year “spring” was mostly winter weather and now it’s suddenly in the freaking 30s.

I’m overwhelmed by the heat before I even had a chance to get into spring routines.

This all feels VERY SMALL in light of everything that is happening in the world. AND it’s happening to me right now, these are my feelings and they deserve some attention.

My heart breaks almost every time I go out. The signs of collapse are everywhere, the ways my city has changed in the last five years are heartbreaking.

Like - one day this winter I walked downtown to meet a friend for dinner. It was a 45 minute walk, wearing my anti-slip boots which are not that comfy, so I arrived a bit early to sit down, warm up, and rest my feet. But the mall I was going to stop and sit down in.... had removed every bench. I just walked around in shock, thinking about people getting together to discuss the problem of a rapid and heartbreaking increase in un-housed people downtown who need to warm up and rest somewhere safe... and then came up with the solution of removing every bench in the mall and adding security guards to the food court to make sure no one sits down without paying for something. It's so dystopian.

Giving myself space to sit with this and journal out ALL of my thoughts and feelings about how to include more biking and walking into my daily routines feels like such a waste of time.

I keep coming up with the same ideas for what to do. It feels like I am going in circles.

But seeing it all written out together, again, it just feels different.

I feel closer to creating new routines.

All these obstacles we have to doing the things we want to do… it can feel like we’re just whining or being too picky but we’re not.

We’re looking at the reality of the situation, at every detail of it, and our feelings about it, to make a plan that works with/around all of the obstacles in the way.

We ARE moving in circles sometimes! Circling is a valid way to work things through and get onto a new path.

Sometimes we have to think through it, and feel through it, over and over, as we get our new plan in place.

 

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