How To Do Inner Work | Adventures In Getting Unstuck

You are *always* worthy of your dreams. But you won’t aways *feel* worthy.

Today I hit a milestone: All of my courses + libraries have been moved over to the new website.

This is HUNDREDS of pages of content, all re-designed, re-organized and better than ever. I’m not done, there are a least 1-2 weeks of work to get the site operational, but still, having all of the content moved is a big milestone.

I hit this milestone at 7:45 am this morning, sitting on the patio of a coffee shop I used to work out of all the time, pre-COVID. For computer tasks, I am more productive in a coffee shop and not having access to them since March has impacted my productivity, on top of how the stress of these times has already impacted it.

So it was a real gift this morning, to wake up super early and get to the coffee shop early enough to get a table on the patio, as our patios are open at 1/2 capacity with social distancing measures so getting a table is not something I can count on being able to do most of the time. Also – I usually don’t WANT to be there, but early in the morning is good.

I was up so early because I went to bed so early because I really hit a wall last night.

It felt equal parts emotional and physical. The physical part I understood but it felt like I was hitting new ground in the emotional part and I didn’t know what it was.

I did NOT have the capacity to be with it and figure out what it was. I took a hot bath and went to bed early, which is my go-to self care practice for when things are hard. It always feels more clear and hopeful in the morning.

So this morning I was happily working away at the cafe, and at one point I tried to access I page but I wasn’t logged in and this flashed on the screen:

And suddenly I knew what this new emotional wall I’m hitting is all about: I don’t feel worthy of this new website.

Like – who am I to plaster my smiling mug all over the login screen like that?

When I designed this page, I was DELIGHTED with it! I thought “it’s like I am right there smiling and welcoming them in!”

But now that “who do you think you are???!?!?” voice has taken over and trying to shame me into NOT showing up in this new way.

This is good.

Every time I level up in some way (and I must say that levelling up is NOT all about things you can measure – like an increase in income or audience – there are infinite ways to level up and our dreams will need us to level up in all sorts of un-measurable ways along the way) I come across my inner resistance to showing up BIGGER and BRIGHTER and TRUER.

This resistance is made up of parts of me who need healing before they can feel safe with me taking my next steps in living my most brave, free and authentic life. 

We ALL have these parts. We live in a culture that is constantly telling us who we should be and what we should want so living by your internal compass feels TERRIFYING for some parts of us. 

This is just a part of the work.

It’s never a sign that we really CAN’T do this, or that we am NOT good enough or NOT worthy of having what we want.

It’s just a thing we have to work on, a part of the process. Just as important as making the website or recording the podcast or writing the book or making the art.

This is why Dream Work and Inner Work need to be a part of your daily practices! Otherwise you don’t notice this stuff because it’s all happening way beneath the surface – and the stuff you don’t notice about yourself has a LOT of control over you.

Calling myself out for believing my own bullshit

I started seeing the world differently about four years ago, and then I started re-creating my work to match my new understanding of how the world is and my vision for what the world can be.

The more I learn about how colonialism and the patriarchy and capitalism and white supremacy function in the world, and all of the different forms of systemic oppression they create - the more I wanted to make my work DEEPER and STRONGER to help people free themselves from the toxicity of all of that.

Because this is NOT who we ARE.

One of the things that’s always pissed me off about the Live Your Best Life Industry is the spiritual by-passing.

I see how much the spiritual by-passing only serves to help privileged people focus on manifesting what they want for themselves while ignoring the role they play in maintaining systems of oppression in our society. I used to think it was ineffective and lame. Now I see it’s fucking DANGEROUS.

So, I've always understood that the world we live in is hostile to dreams, and that a huge part of making a dream real is this inner work of healing all the bullshit stories you have about yourself and who you really are and what your potential actually is, which you picked up from living in such a toxic culture.

But over the last four years I started to see it all much more clearly.

I started to see the connections between our personal growth and political systems and structures of oppression.

All of this learning has helped me feel so much more hopeful about how to create a better future for everyone. And more sure of my role in this as a teacher in the Live Your Best Life Industry.

Onto my bullshit story… after spending a few years re-creating my approach to teaching I felt like… I don’t know how to sell this.

I don’t know how to be marketing in capitalist systems when I want my work to be a part of helping people un-hook from the toxicity of capitalism and colonialism and the patriarchy.

And for a while now I've been in this story of… I am figuring out how to sell this.

Which keeps me in a place of… I don’t know how to sell this.

Which, today I just noticed, is 100% bullshit.

I do know how to sell my work because I DO sell my work. My work has been financially supporting me for almost 10 years.

But a part of me has been clinging to this “I don’t know how to sell this” story.

One of the ways I changed how I teach is that instead of teaching classes on different topics I now focus on helping people develop a daily/regular practice that fits into your life AND creates a MUCH deeper container for healing and growth.

Because otherwise you don’t notice where you’re living in a bullshit story!!!! Bullshit stories are GENIUS at making themselves feel true.

It’s my daily practice, and showing up each day to write about my practice in our private daily online mastermind blog, where I noticed… wow I’ve been repeating myself about this “I don’t know how to sell this”. What’s up with that?

The good thing about bullshit stories is that they don’t hold up well to that kind of examination.

Once you look them in the eye you see it’s all smoke and mirrors.

Because this part "I don’t know how to be marketing in capitalist systems when I want my work to be a part of helping people un-hook from the toxicity of capitalism and colonialism and the patriarchy.” IS FUCKING NONSENSE.

I mean the answer is obvious.

Authenticity.

Honesty.

Creativity.

Inspiration.

Integrity.

Living and working in alignment with my values.

THAT is how you market heartfelt creative work. BY BEING HEARTFELT AND CREATIVE IN HOW YOU PUT IT OUT THERE.

It’s NOT a mystery.

Yes, there are *so many* different tactics and strategies and approaches you can take. But you CAN see these as an art studio full of art supplies, each one does different things, and you get to pick and choose which ones to use and how to use them to create your own masterpiece.

And you get to experiment and try new things.

And you get to learn as you experiment and try new things.

And take what you learned and apply it to your next experiment.

So, this is me putting down my bullshit story about not knowing how to sell my work.

I LOVE what I’m doing.

I LOVE the insights and healings that happen all the time in the Creative Dream Circle.

And I LOVE my ideas for how to keep inviting YOU to join me in all of this magic.

Because there’s nothing better than that feeling of spotting a bullshit story that you’ve been living in, and then putting it down.

It feels like freedom and healing and love and joy all wrapped up in a burst of glitter.

And each bullshit story you put down moves you closer to your true self, who is POWERFUL and WISE and CREATIVE beyond measure.

That’s what I’m here for.

When you see how much growth is possible for you, it’s easy to feel small. You’re not small.

When you see how much growth is possible for you, it's easy to feel small. You're not small.

I’ve been getting a TON of email about my last blog post.

I share these stories because the process of writing is a balm of healing and clarity for me. Writing it in a way that explains it to another person shows ME a new perspective on my experiences.

And I share my stories because we need more REAL stories in the world about being on the path of pursuing your dreams wholeheartedly.

We make up stories about other people’s journeys all the time! We make up that we are more stuck than this other person is, that we have more self doubt or bigger obstacles.

For example: the first three years that I was self employed with the Creative Dream Incubator, I kept getting emails from people who assumed I had a husband who was bankrolling my business! I had been single for so long and had never even mentioned having a boyfriend!

People saw my experience through their stories about how “the only way you can live your creative dream is if you have a partner who is financially supporting you”.

So, when I wrote about taking my power back a lot of people were inspired by the post and the idea that I just decided to take my power back and then flounced off into my new website.

But of course that’s not how it’s happening. So I wanted to share this bit of journaling I did while freaking out yesterday:

 

Today I had a call with someone to help me with the set-up of the new website. There is a LOT of tech stuff to consider in this set-up, so I had a huge list of questions and she was so super helpful and the call was great...

But then after the call I just crashed.

I was looking over my notes I just... couldn't process it.

My whole body tensed up, especially my shoulders.

I wanted to cry but couldn't.

Suddenly I felt frozen and stuck.

This whole thing felt impossible, like I am in WAY over my head here.

So this part of me who WANTS all of this felt like a wave crashing into this other part of me who is so overwhelmed and afraid of fucking it all up that she just wants to give up and go eat ice cream.

I am an ocean of different feelings and desires crashing into each other and I want it all to stop.

In that moment, I wanted to give up even though I knew giving up isn't an option.

I have grown enough that staying where I am doesn’t feel comfortable anymore. But I haven't yet grown into the new place. So I bounce back and forth and can’t feel comfortable, or at home, in either place.

This is what it means to out-grow a thing.

When I was nineteen, I moved away to go to University. That first summer, I came home and everything had changed. My friends had all moved on with their own lives. I didn’t really know where I fit. I had been homesick while I was away but now that I was home it was like I felt “away sick”.

I didn’t know where home was anymore.

This is the growth that our dreams demand of us.

You have to step out of where you are before you can create a new home for yourself in a new place. And that part where you are out of what WAS familiar but haven’t yet created what WILL BE familiar to you next - IS BRUTAL.

So much about what I teach is about creating space where we can stay in these hard parts because the only other option is to just NOT grow and that kills dreams.

So that’s where I am right now. I do know 100% where I want to go. AND some parts of this journey are stretching me past where I think I can be stretched. Some parts make me want to give up.

Instead of giving up I am taking breaks.

I am reading novels and going for bike rides and taking long bubble baths and going to bed early because these things help me bounce back from those places.

So after I freaked out and wrote that journaling piece, I re-potted some plants, played with my cat Bear, made hummus and ate some with a toasted pita.

Then I felt better, went back to my laptop and finished the stuff I had wanted to finish yesterday.

I see now that I freaked out after that meeting because the person I was meeting with showed me whole new options for how to do what I want to do.

Like - there are even MORE possibilities than I thought and I felt too small to figure it all out.

My dreams are always making me feel small because they keep growing. But I'm not small - I'm just ready for growth.

We are NEVER never too small for our dreams.

Your dream is here to grow you. Some parts of that growth are going to be uncomfortable, but always worth it.

A Conversation With The Voice That Says I’m Not Doing Enough

Where is it uncomfortable and what does this tell you?
This is a page from the Dream Lab: Explore The Miracle Of Your Dream Playbook (which you can get as a part of Dream Book)

Exploring what feels uncomfortable about your dream is tricky work so I thought I would share my process today in exploring that voice that says that I AM NOT DOING ENOUGH.

This voice has been getting louder lately. And I have been assuming it's because I am in this big creative expansion and I don't really know where this process is leading me to.

I just have so many ideas I want to do them all at once.

This part of the creative process is always confusing for me. I have been assuming this voice comes from my creative process. But I just remembered - hey! Fears are TRICKY! They like to dress up as reasonable responses and ideas.

They know when they show up as fears they are treated differently than when they show up as reasonable voices. Oh shit I fell for it.

This voice isn't a part of this creative expansion I am in. This voice is a fear that is coming up in response to the creative expansion I am in.

So, ummm, hello voice? Can we talk?

Voice shows up as a GIANT rainbow caterpillar, about 6 feet long, floating about 3 feet in the air, cool as a cucumber and says "Oh sure we can talk" I stand there for a few minutes, just getting used to being here with the caterpillar.

And I notice that the caterpillar isn't real. It's a costume.

There is a person standing there wearing a caterpillar tied around their waist.

"So could you take off the costume?"

The caterpillar is furious. They rip off the costume. Now it's a very angry person.

I shift my weight around a bit, feeling very uncomfortable all of a sudden.

"You want to know why I'm angry?"

"Yes"

  • You work so hard for so little.
  • You're sharing your heart out there, day after day and people ignore it.
  • You take the work so seriously and no one else takes you seriously.
  • You are not properly seen or understood.

I am feeling bowled over by the intensity of the anger, which I had not noticed was there!

"This is why I have been pushing you to share more do more be more. To get the recognition that you deserve."

Oh wow. I struggle to find a balance between acknowledging the voice of anger and also wanting to rush in and remind it of all the good.... that I am not wealthy but have a good life and there are people who listen and take me and my work seriously and that I love my students and my work.

But I know I need to give this anger space.

It doesn't need to be right it needs to be heard.

So I sit down and let my anger know I'll sit and listen for as long as it wants to talk. Anger mumbles "Yeah I know actually we have it really good.  We have amazing people in the Circle. We have a fantastic life with enough money to enjoy it."

Then anger asks "But still, can't I just be pissed about how hard this is sometimes?"

"Oh of course. How can I help?"

"Well I was thinking if you would just work harder at doing the right things then everything would be easier and I wouldn't be upset anymore, but now I can see that that's not right."

So I say "Right. You're upset and you need to be heard and respected. Once you have enough space then we'll know what to do about this."

OK something is really shifting in my heart. I'm not sure what it is, but this feels like a good spot to stop our meeting and give this a chance to marinate. T

his is the mess of exploring the uncomfortable parts!

You just don't know where it's going to lead. But right now I am feeling immense relief to have seen the anger for what it is and have given it some space.

Hello Resistance [A conversation with myself as I struggle to make myself get to work]

helloresistance2

In April I’m running my Creative With Money course.

This has been a really popular course. ?I’ve offered it live online several times.

So putting it together should be a breeze, right?

But when I read over the course description (which is a few years old now) it didn’t feel right. ?So I decided?to re-write it.

And then I got stuck.

So, here I am meeting with my resistance. This may get weird.

Resistance shows up as heavy sludge. Dark black.?Kind of gritty.?Threatening to totally take over.

Ummmm, totally take over what, exactly?

Oh, this little world opens up. ?It’s full of inspiration and light and being deeply present.

Resistance wants to just pave over this world.

Why?

It’s not safe there.

Why not?

You might go too far.

Too far where/how?

Too far: ?

  • Too weird.
  • Or you’re too into your own thing that no one understands you.
  • That world isn’t real you shouldn’t go too far into it

So what world is real?

This one. ?The heavy dark gritty stuff.

Well that doesn’t really make sense to me. ?I mean look around.

[resistance is silent]

I think you’re trying to make up some fantastical story to throw me off track.

Yeah, I think I am. ?You know what? I didn’t even realise I was doing that. ?Interesting.

Interesting. ?So what is it that you want?

Oh I want you to be safe and happy.

So something feels un-safe and un-happy about putting on this course?

No, something feels un-safe and un-happy about giving it your all. ?I want to stop you from re-writing the description and putting effort into promoting it.

So I can do the course as long as I don’t try to fill the course?

Yes.

Are you seeing the lack of logic there?

Yes. Part of teaching is helping?your potential students get ready to say yes.

Yes. And also put the course out there as honestly as possible so if it’s a wrong fit for someone they won’t be tempted to join anyway.

I think you always go too far with the honesty part. I mean have some composure!

I get that honesty and vulnerability are scary.

But you’ve made the choice to be that way.

Yes and I’m not changing that. So how do I help you feel safe anyway? ?How do we get to work here? I really want to re-write this course description today and it’s feeling impossible right now.

[resistance is silent]

[I wait a while, nothing happens]

OK I’m going to pour love all over you.

Resistance turns into a kitten, throws itself on it’s back, belly exposed, to soak up all the love.

I breath deep and feel something inside me soften.

OK let’s get to work then.

[And I did! I wrote the course description for Creative With Money. You can read it here.]

 

Want to learn more about how this stuff?works?

This was a fairly simple conversation because I have been working with my resistance for years.

Sometimes you need more than a little chat – you may need the full Resistance Rx to help you move through creative blocks in a fun and fabulous way.

Come play with us! Click here to find out more.

 

Meeting with the cranky fairy of holiday resentment.

crankyfairy

I’ve been really snippy lately – just?quick?to get frustrated when things don’t go right.

The holidays are a stressful time.

Most years I take great effort to avoid this and to create a really peaceful and happy end of the year – but?this year I just walked right into the madness of the holidays.

(Last year I even did a whole class on having a happy, calm and peaceful holiday season, which is now in the Creative Dream Circle?- at the beginning of the month I reminded the Circle members that it’s there if they need it but I didn’t think I needed it. ?Ha.)

I just walked downtown in the snow before sunrise – one of my treasured winter rituals which usually makes me feel so peaceful and happy.

But this morning I spent the whole walk following my negative thoughts around in sad, angry circles.

And then when I got to the coffee shop to work of course I couldn’t. ?I mean I can’t do the work I do from?that kind of headspace.

So I am asking my cranky feeling to meet with me and see if we can work this out.

Cranky feeling appears as a blue haired fairy. ?Her fairy wand is bent… actually when I look closer, she looks like she’s been on a bender.

Hey fairy, how are you doing?

How am I doing? How can anyone be expected to think with that horrible banging? ?What is that?

That’s the music in the coffee shop.

It’s terrible.

Well, yeah, but I’m sure the next song with be less bangy.

Let’s never come here again the sound system is wrong for my ears.

OK, I agree. ?But since we’re here now I’d like to be able to just get to work.

Hmrph.

What else is bothering you?

Well everything is changing and I’m so scared. ?

The fairy bursts into tears.

Oh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling scared. ?How can I help?

[Fairy asks for something that I don’t want to share online]

Well, my intuition says yes.

But I say no!

Hmmm, can you remember some other times when my intuition said yes and you said no? ?Like when I bought the loft? ?You were terrified, remember?

Yeah….

And that worked out really well, right?

Well…

And then this bright light eclipses everything.

My heart softens.

I remember that I can trust my inner truth.

I look around for the fairy, she’s teeny tiny now, sitting?on the armrest of the chair. ?I pick her up and put her in the palm of my hand.

I want you to feel safe – more safe, more of the time. ?How can I do that?

I want you to be more aware of how much things are changing! You’re just?carrying on like you’re fine! ?

Well I guess I thought I was fine.

I want you to be more present with the change, so I can be fine too.

Oh, ok I see that. ?I’m sorry I haven’t been doing that for you. ?I love you, you know. ?I want to take care of you. I don’t want you to feel afraid.

Fairy sparkles for a few minutes, then flies into my heart.

Here’s what I got?from this:

Well, first – a healing. ?My heart is soft and sparkly and I’m not all cranky anymore.

But more importantly?I got a reminder that that small, scared parts of me are small and scared.

Small as in easy for me to not notice.

Scared as in really afraid of things that I think are “not a big deal”.

This is one of the ways that stuff like PMS is actually a gift – it makes those small things bigger and sharper and unavoidable.

We think we’re being crazy, getting so upset about something so insignificant.

But we’re not crazy.

The world we live in is crazy.

We do our best to cope and carry on like everything is fine, but?these?tender, vulnerable parts of us always remember that what’s happening out there in the world?is completely crazy.

And we need to tend to these tender, vulnerable parts of us so that they don’t get hard, so that we don’t get hard.

Because when we’re hard we disconnect from our inner gifts.

And when we’re disconnected from our gifts the whole world changes.

It gets harder and meaner. ?And we get harder and meaner in response. ?Or we get sad. ?Or we just shut down and get really quiet and small.

And suffice it to say, that path that doesn’t lead to your dream.

So as uncomfortable as it it so make space for the discomfort – what else are you going to do?

And for?Creative Dream Circle members: remember you can take your holiday crankies into the Un-Sticking Station so you can transform them into helpful gifts.

PS: Come back next?week – I’ll have free journaling + coloring pages for you to download.

There is no way to “be safe”.

safe

In my journaling practice, I keep encountering this part of me who has been working very hard for a very long time to create safety for me.

It sees every potential pitfall in life and tries to guard against them.

So while I’m skipping towards the things I want, this part of me is trying to pull me back because it believes that avoiding pitfalls is more important than chasing dreams.

Meanwhile my wisest and most heart-connected self believes that I do need to be moving towards what feels true for me – pitfalls or not.? In a universe that is always expanding I can’t contract myself and my life for fear of getting hurt along the way.

Plus – getting hurt along the way is often a part of the process, and a place where I learn a lot.? So it’s really not something to be avoided.

This creates a tug-of-war in my inner world.

When I left my day job to be a full time dreamer, this part of me started working double overtime.

So I had to spend more time working with it, bringing in healing and love and calm to transform this part of me.? I didn’t want to obliterate it or pretend I didn’t have this huge knot in my stomach and slap a big “fake it till you make it” smile over it.

My aim was to love it and give it what it needed to settle down and be happy – to heal and transform it.? To take all the energy and power that the fear had and re-write it to do something more useful for me.

For me, dealing with this part of me was the hardest part of the change from employee to my own boss.? It mean facing my own worst fears and learning how to access more inner strength than I knew I had.

And now here I am again.

It’s definitely not as dramatic or intense right now, but as I have set new intentions for what I want to create in my life as I work through Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance, this part of me has been re-activated.

So when this part of me popped up in my journaling recently I was not very happy.

I felt exhausted and overwhelmed at the thought of working with this part of me again.? I wrote in my journal:

Oh shit. This is going to be a Big Job.

But you know what?? It’s not.

In the journal classes I teach, I show how to work with symbols and essence and how doing this opens up new possibilities.? It’s a way of dropping the story and getting to the heart of what’s actually happening and then changing it – which then changes the story in the outer world.

I created symbols for the thing I want and for safety and then looked at how they play together.? This is where it got really interesting.

They didn’t play nice.

The thing I want actually CLOBBERED the symbol for safety.? It didn’t trust safety, which startled me.

And safety wasn’t too thrilled about having to hang out with the thing I wanted either.

And then the symbols showed me the truth: There’s nothing wrong with the quality of safety but trying to CREATE safety is what fucks me up.

Because I am inherently safe.

(And so are you)

Trying to create safety means giving weight to the belief that I am small and separate from life, that the universe doesn’t care about me and that there are pitfalls to be avoided.

Obviously, in the physical world there are pitfalls to be avoided – that’s not what this is about.

This is about living from a sense of internal trust.

Trusting my dreams.

Trusting my self.

Trusting the process.

Trusting in meaning and purpose.

Trusting that there are no pitfalls to avoid because I can handle whatever comes my way.

Trusting that as long as I am allowing my intuition to lead me I’m always in the right place.

Trusting the mystery.

Remembering that I am already safe.

Trusting that I am safe allows me to relax into the process.

Trying to create safety holds me out of the process because I’m too busy trying to control the universe, which strengthens the belief that I am small and alone and powerless.? Not a recipe for creative dream success.

Back when I first left my job and was just getting settled in my new life as a dreamer I did need to coddle and soothe these fears – they were too big and agitated for me to just say “Hey, dude, chill out and trust the process”and working with them brought me the insights I needed to do the healing work that needed to be done at that time.

And that brought me to where I am now.

And now that I am on more stable ground a different approach is needed.

By meeting with the heart/soul/essence of how you’re feeling and bringing in love and healing it’s so much easier to see what, exactly, you need to move towards what you want.? (For Creative Dream Circle members – the video in the Un-Sticking Station leads you through this process)


Despair

My main project for this year is Grow Your Depth, Nurture Your Brilliance – to do this work and see where it takes me.

The only way that depth work is predictable is that you can be sure it’s going to lead you right into the thing you want to explore the least.? This weekend, it led me to DESPAIR.

Despair often comes up in response to setting a clear intention to move forward.? Not because it’s an asshole and wants you to be miserable, but because your clear intention is asking you to deal with the despair that lives within you.

For me, this weekend, I noticed that one of the things that really bothers me about despair is how familiar the energy of it feels.? Like yes it’s always there, beneath everything else, waiting for it’s change to spring up and devour me.

And because I find the energy of it so uncomfortable, I avoid actually working with it.? Instead I focus on finding ways to feel better – which doesn’t change it or move it at all.? It keeps it right where it is in my inner world – it feels like kind of an underground river, only made of something much heavier than water.

So, I did what I am always telling my Circle members to do – I took it into the Un-Sticking Station.? This is what happened:

Oh, hello despair.? Wow, you ARE an underground river.? A very sad underground river.? That’s interesting – I didn’t realise you would be sad, I thought you were just mean and wanted me to be sad, but you’re the one who is sad.

(the river just kind of sighs and frowns)

Well, I’m sorry I have avoided you so much, you scare me.? But I didn’t mean to leave you here, all sad and alone.

I spread out my pink blanket on the grass and sit down beside the river.

“So, what do you want?” I ask.

At first, the river just looks sad.? I can’t tell if it knows what it wants but is shy about saying it, or if it doesn’t even know what it wants.? Then it shows me:

Light.

This was meant to be a river of light.? Flowing, underground, through the depths of my inner world.

Possibility and hope and love and light and all things sparkling and magical.

But every time I hoped for something and didn’t get it and my heart was crushed, some of that crush fell down and the river got a little muddy.? And I’ve been here for forty years so I have been crushed a few times and here it all is, clogging up the river with despair.

I just sit with that for a while.

The river starts to lighten up.

And I start to see how it was never really a river of despair.? It remains a river of light and the despair is just silt.? Really, anyone with a despair-magnet could just pull the despair out of the river and clean it right out.

And tiny little chunks of despair start to lift up out of the river and as the dust lands on the river banks and I notice something really interesting… the despair/silt can actually be used to build the river banks.? To hold and shape the river.? To direct the light.

I can use the crushing experiences to direct the river of possibility that flows through my inner world.

Will keep working with this in my Grow Your Depth journal…

(For Circle members: I’m going to post this in the Un-Sticking Station and update it there to hare how I work with it and what else I learn about it.)


Journaling with self doubt.

Tiny Fairy Tales are stories from my journal where I work with the Un-Sticking Station (inside the Creative Dream Circle) to help me sort out and smooth out what’s going on in my inner world.

Journaling with self doubt

As I said at the end of my Who do you think you are? post from last week, Debbie Doubter and I have more work to do.

But she’s not showing up as Debbie Downer anymore, the voice of self-doubt became more subtle and insidious over the weekend.

And I’ve just been trying to swim away from it, but it just follows me everywhere I go.? It hasn’t been fun.

I’ve been avoiding my practice and resisting my work with Grow Your Depth because it feels like facing this self-doubt this is the next thing I have to do on that path and I don’t feel ready.? I don’t feel strong enough or sure enough.

I don’t feel ready and I’ve been letting that stop me even though I know that we never feel ready.

And waiting until you’re “ready” is just a way of avoiding the journey.

I don’t want to avoid this journey.? I trust my intention for Grow Your Depth, I trust that this process is bringing me exactly what I need.

It’s just that so much has changed already.? It’s working, and that’s scary sometimes.

Hmmm.? Until I sat down to start journaling with self doubt, I didn’t realise that I’ve been letting self-doubt slow me down because I am afraid because things have been going so well.

Like, my problem is not even about self-doubt, I just need a little space to adjust.

My intentions for Grow Your Depth were about wanting to have more fun, make new friends, feel more grounded in my daily practices and in how I run my business, be more creatively inspired and engaged and a secret “impossible dream”.

Clearly, I was ready to have these things because they’re coming in much faster than I thought they could.? Even the impossible stuff.? I was more ready than I thought I was.

Isn’t that interesting, now the self doubt feels like just a smokescreen.

Just a tiny voice who wanted to say “Hey, can we slow down a bit and give me a chance to integrate to where we are now?” but didn’t know how to say that.? Or I didn’t know how to hear it.

But now that I do hear it: Yes, we can slow down a bit.

Yes, I can give myself space to accept the gifts that are coming in now.? And focus on appreciating where I am now.? And look at my next steps without pushing myself to take them as fast as I can.


Vulnerability

Tiny Fairy Tales are stories from my journal where I work with the Un-Sticking Station (inside the Creative Dream Circle) to help me sort out and smooth out what’s going on in my inner world.

vulnerability

Vulnerability is a tiny flower, so tiny it’s hard to notice that it’s actually a ballerina – what you think are flower petals are actually her tutu.

But if you get in close enough to see that she’s a ballerina and not a flower – you’re too close.

It’s harder for her to dance when someone can see that it’s a dance and not just petals bouncing in the breeze.? So hard that sometimes she just freezes up and cries and hopes you’ll go away.

Not that she doesn’t like you, of course.? It’s just that what if you don’t like her dance?

No one really judges the way a flower bounces in the wind.? People do judge the way ballerinas dance.? And this ballerina cares so much about the world that she wants to delight it.

Vulnerability wants to hide.? But she can’t delight the world if she stays in hiding.? So she camouflages instead.

When I feel vulnerable I don’t feel like a delicate tiny ballerina at all.? When I feel vulnerable I feel raw.? I feel like a giant and like everyone can see me and everyone can tell that I am just barely keeping it together.

The tiniest things get magnified when I feel vulnerable.

So what can the ballerina teach me about navigating being in an uncomfortable state of vulnerability?

(Because sometimes I feel vulnerable and it’s not uncomfortable)

Camouflage.? It’s a way of creating safety.

But camouflage is a way of fitting into a world that I don’t want to fit in with.

Oh.? Well that reminds me that vulnerability is actually a part of living my truth which is actually really important to me so damn.

Being vulnerable means my heart is exposed.

And that’s actually exactly how I want to live.