I saw this "map" in a meditation and then drew it out.

This is where I am now.

(Notice the little circle off in the corner that is: being consistently productive + getting it all done, and the writing around the circle that says: This does not exist.)

The last few weeks I've been sharing how GOOD I feel, and how amazed I am by how good I feel: this explains that.

Starting in January, I let go of all of my precious routines I had developed over years. All the things that helped me show up for my dreams every day.

I realized: I am not the person I was when I created and then refined all of these routines and systems.

I held onto these ways of doing things as I aged through my 40s, and as the world changed dramatically and then as my life changed dramatically with a divorce.

And then in January I knew two things: I want to really BE the artist I know I AM (and I felt I wasn't fully BEING that version of me) and I need all new ways of doing things.

So I dropped my routines and chose to focus on this dream of being the artist I know I am and build new routines, systems and ways of doing things.

I knew it would be hard.

It was harder than I thought it would be. For a lot of reasons.

AND

I got through it.

Slowly, new ways of being that reflect and support the person I am now AND the person I want to become, are coming into focus.

Of course sometimes I still think about past me and the things she loved and I miss those forms of joy.... And I am learning to reflect on that with love and gratitude and stay grounded in the present.

But here I am now!

That bottom corner: richness, depth, magic, expansion. There is SO MUCH GOOD here in the way I am living now.

AND

I am still stunned by how much I can't do.

What this map is really saying is: I am so powerful, creative, magnetic and magic WHEN I STAY WITHIN MY CAPACITY.

I have to move very slowly here, but I am so much more powerful so this doesn't matter in the ways I think it does.

So much is possible for me in this space that just isn't possible in other spaces.

This is amazing!!!!!

BUT/AND

So! Many! Things! Overwhelm me now in ways they didn't used to.

Even riding my bike right now, which I love doing on the bike paths and river trails - the parts where I am on roads getting to the parks is SO STRESSFUL. Part of it IS that drivers are more distracted than ever and driving more dangerously. Part of it is my decreased nervous system capacity for close calls.

And when I try to push myself and do the things.... I end up in the BEING OVERWHELMED spot on the map.

So many things I think of as very normal human activity type things are in this part of the map. THIS FUCKING SUCKS.

Last weekend I was in the overwhelmed space from hanging out with friends!

Once I am in the BEING OVERWHELMED space, if I don't immediately do the things that move me back to richness, depth, magic and expansion - then I move up into TOTAL FREEZE.

Last weekend, the day after hanging out with friends, I hung out with my family. This pushed me into TOTAL FREEZE.

Not because I don't want to do these things! I do! It's just too many things in too short a time frame.

Once I am TOTAL FREEZE I really have no choice but to do the things that move me back into BEING OVERWHELMED and from there I can move back to richness, depth, magic and expansion.

It's always better to STAY in richness, depth, magic and expansion but it still really surprises me how little it takes to bump me out of that place these days.

Part of this is my age and where I am at with aging and perimenopause. But part of it is what we're all facing with rising stress.

I worry that if we don't combat this, then we become habitually even more over-stimulated than we are and this makes it harder to act on behalf of the world we want to create - one without fascism, colonialism, imperialism, etc.

But for me personally, I am PISSED that it takes so little to overwhelm me AND really happy with how I am handling things and staying in my zone-of-magic most of the time.

 

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