I’ve been getting a TON of email about my last blog post.
I share these stories because the process of writing is a balm of healing and clarity for me. Writing it in a way that explains it to another person shows ME a new perspective on my experiences.
And I share my stories because we need more REAL stories in the world about being on the path of pursuing your dreams wholeheartedly.
We make up stories about other people’s journeys all the time! We make up that we are more stuck than this other person is, that we have more self doubt or bigger obstacles.
For example: the first three years that I was self employed with the Creative Dream Incubator, I kept getting emails from people who assumed I had a husband who was bankrolling my business! I had been single for so long and had never even mentioned having a boyfriend!
People saw my experience through their stories about how “the only way you can live your creative dream is if you have a partner who is financially supporting you”.
So, when I wrote about taking my power back a lot of people were inspired by the post and the idea that I just decided to take my power back and then flounced off into my new website.
But of course that’s not how it’s happening. So I wanted to share this bit of journaling I did while freaking out yesterday:
Today I had a call with someone to help me with the set-up of the new website. There is a LOT of tech stuff to consider in this set-up, so I had a huge list of questions and she was so super helpful and the call was great...
But then after the call I just crashed.
I was looking over my notes I just... couldn't process it.
My whole body tensed up, especially my shoulders.
I wanted to cry but couldn't.
Suddenly I felt frozen and stuck.
This whole thing felt impossible, like I am in WAY over my head here.
So this part of me who WANTS all of this felt like a wave crashing into this other part of me who is so overwhelmed and afraid of fucking it all up that she just wants to give up and go eat ice cream.
I am an ocean of different feelings and desires crashing into each other and I want it all to stop.
In that moment, I wanted to give up even though I knew giving up isn't an option.
I have grown enough that staying where I am doesn’t feel comfortable anymore. But I haven't yet grown into the new place. So I bounce back and forth and can’t feel comfortable, or at home, in either place.
This is what it means to out-grow a thing.
When I was nineteen, I moved away to go to University. That first summer, I came home and everything had changed. My friends had all moved on with their own lives. I didn’t really know where I fit. I had been homesick while I was away but now that I was home it was like I felt “away sick”.
I didn’t know where home was anymore.
This is the growth that our dreams demand of us.
You have to step out of where you are before you can create a new home for yourself in a new place. And that part where you are out of what WAS familiar but haven’t yet created what WILL BE familiar to you next - IS BRUTAL.
So much about what I teach is about creating space where we can stay in these hard parts because the only other option is to just NOT grow and that kills dreams.
So that’s where I am right now. I do know 100% where I want to go. AND some parts of this journey are stretching me past where I think I can be stretched. Some parts make me want to give up.
Instead of giving up I am taking breaks.
I am reading novels and going for bike rides and taking long bubble baths and going to bed early because these things help me bounce back from those places.
So after I freaked out and wrote that journaling piece, I re-potted some plants, played with my cat Bear, made hummus and ate some with a toasted pita.
Then I felt better, went back to my laptop and finished the stuff I had wanted to finish yesterday.
I see now that I freaked out after that meeting because the person I was meeting with showed me whole new options for how to do what I want to do.
Like - there are even MORE possibilities than I thought and I felt too small to figure it all out.
My dreams are always making me feel small because they keep growing. But I'm not small - I'm just ready for growth.
We are NEVER never too small for our dreams.
Your dream is here to grow you. Some parts of that growth are going to be uncomfortable, but always worth it.