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A bad dream, over-working and searching for the light at the end of the tunnel

bad dreams, over-working and the light at the end of the tunnel

My latest update as I move my whole business and learn tons of things in the process.

I had a pretty trippy dream last night.

It had some traumatic elements and some really fun elements woven together in that weird dream way - like Simone Grace was the person letting people in to the Canadian Video Music Awards, and I recognized her but she didn’t recognize me, but she did let me in!

But the main theme of the dream was betrayal, like betrayals on top of betrayals. And that left me feeling pretty uncomfortable this morning - kind of raw and sad, without knowing why.

My first reaction to waking up feeling this way is “NO! I can’t! I have so much to do that really needs clear-headedness today!

But of course you can’t just “No I can’t!” your feelings away, not even dream-feelings. So I’m just sitting here, being with that feeling so I can process it and not have it interfere with my day.

First there is this rush to bullet-proof my life somehow to make sure I am never betrayed.

Then concern that I am being betrayed and I don’t know where and maybe this dream is trying to tell me something.

But the feelings starts to shift around and change when I come to: people are going to do what they’re going to do and I can’t control that, I actually trust myself to take care of myself whatever happens...

It’s the places where I betray MYSELF that are really brutal.

Then I feel a sense of forgiveness.

I’m realizing I have felt betrayed by the person who I was trusting with my online business operations. And that somewhere inside myself, I have blamed ME for making a wrong choice. Six years of 100% depending on them to keep everything operational… to then see that all the little red flags of course DO add up to something and they are NOT trustworthy.

But I’m not 100% sure I placed my trust in the wrong place, I believe I did the best I could with what I knew at the time AND this situation HAS taught me and next time I think I’ll see the truth sooner.

The act of taking my power back and taking control of this aspect of my business is… well not to be dramatic about it but it’s actually FLATTENING ME right now.

The volume of decisions to be made, the level of detail - my already-Covid-lessenened-mental-capacity is not up for this task.

At the same time, my creative self is THRILLED.

My dreams are THRILLED.

Yes, this is a rough patch where my dream is stretching me - but I've been in these places before and they always lead to something good. Like, this is how my dreams grow me, it’s always worked like this and by now I can trust the process.

So it’s kind of a weird place to be, of trusting the process AND being flattened by it at the same time.

The way I feel flattened right now - that’s similar to how the betrayal on betrayal felt in the dream.

Like I did betray myself to end up in this place?

Absolutely not.

I think that’s the toxic positivity+ love + light culture speaking.

That sense that if things are hard now that means I did something wrong. I wasn’t positive or loving enough so I am out of the flow. I am to blame. That’s bullshit but it’s so pervasive in our culture where we blame people for their hard knocks.

The thing is, this rough spot I’m in right now is GOOD. It’s the exact right place for me to be right now.

I’m being grown in the ways I need to grow to get to the next level.

This new online classroom I am creating is a HUGE “up levelling” for the Creative Dream Incubator. I get to create the VIBE and I am LOVING that.

And I get to decide how all of the behind-the-scenes stuff works in terms of how classes are delivered and accessed and this is REALLY cool because my classes are actually CONTAINERS FOR TRANSFORMATION so this way I get to set them up to be more flexible to support all the wild and wonderful and strange ways your transformation will occur.

I love that part.

It’s just that building more flexible systems is exponentially more work.

And I do want ME to be the one doing this work, building the container. Usually people hire experts to do this kind of work.

It’s kind of funny that I do have the skills for this. I have a Bachelor of Applied Arts in Fashion Design, I took a lot of courses in the elements and principles of design (which work for websites the same as for fashion) and visual communication. I taught myself html after university (which is easy to do online). I learned how to use Beaver Builder for WordPress a few years ago - a theme that allows me to put my ideas onto the pages of my website. I also learned how automations work to deliver course content over the last few years.

I have everything I need to do this.

OK wow.

I started writing this to help me process the feelings from my dream and now those feelings have cleared, I feel plugged back into my purpose + passion for this project and ready to get to work.

I think I am 1-2 weeks away from the move! But I thought the same thing 1 week ago, so who knows? When I get REALLY close, I will close registration for Dream Book, and will open it back up after everyone is moved.

You are *always* worthy of your dreams. But you won’t aways *feel* worthy.

Today I hit a milestone: All of my courses + libraries have been moved over to the new website.

This is HUNDREDS of pages of content, all re-designed, re-organized and better than ever. I’m not done, there are a least 1-2 weeks of work to get the site operational, but still, having all of the content moved is a big milestone.

I hit this milestone at 7:45 am this morning, sitting on the patio of a coffee shop I used to work out of all the time, pre-COVID. For computer tasks, I am more productive in a coffee shop and not having access to them since March has impacted my productivity, on top of how the stress of these times has already impacted it.

So it was a real gift this morning, to wake up super early and get to the coffee shop early enough to get a table on the patio, as our patios are open at 1/2 capacity with social distancing measures so getting a table is not something I can count on being able to do most of the time. Also – I usually don’t WANT to be there, but early in the morning is good.

I was up so early because I went to bed so early because I really hit a wall last night.

It felt equal parts emotional and physical. The physical part I understood but it felt like I was hitting new ground in the emotional part and I didn’t know what it was.

I did NOT have the capacity to be with it and figure out what it was. I took a hot bath and went to bed early, which is my go-to self care practice for when things are hard. It always feels more clear and hopeful in the morning.

So this morning I was happily working away at the cafe, and at one point I tried to access I page but I wasn’t logged in and this flashed on the screen:

And suddenly I knew what this new emotional wall I’m hitting is all about: I don’t feel worthy of this new website.

Like – who am I to plaster my smiling mug all over the login screen like that?

When I designed this page, I was DELIGHTED with it! I thought “it’s like I am right there smiling and welcoming them in!”

But now that “who do you think you are???!?!?” voice has taken over and trying to shame me into NOT showing up in this new way.

This is good.

Every time I level up in some way (and I must say that levelling up is NOT all about things you can measure – like an increase in income or audience – there are infinite ways to level up and our dreams will need us to level up in all sorts of un-measurable ways along the way) I come across my inner resistance to showing up BIGGER and BRIGHTER and TRUER.

This resistance is made up of parts of me who need healing before they can feel safe with me taking my next steps in living my most brave, free and authentic life. 

We ALL have these parts. We live in a culture that is constantly telling us who we should be and what we should want so living by your internal compass feels TERRIFYING for some parts of us. 

This is just a part of the work.

It’s never a sign that we really CAN’T do this, or that we am NOT good enough or NOT worthy of having what we want.

It’s just a thing we have to work on, a part of the process. Just as important as making the website or recording the podcast or writing the book or making the art.

This is why Dream Work and Inner Work need to be a part of your daily practices! Otherwise you don’t notice this stuff because it’s all happening way beneath the surface – and the stuff you don’t notice about yourself has a LOT of control over you.

Journal Prompt: What is the most loving way you can move towards your dream?

Journal Prompt: What is the most loving way you can move towards your dream?

This Journal Prompt is from the Journaling Cards for Dreamers deck.

This is a deck of 72 richly illustrated journaling cards with insightful questions that spark new possibilities.

No more facing the blank page.

No more using your journal as a place to BITCH about your problems instead of SOLVING them.

No more AVOIDING your journal because you’re not sure what to do!

Journal Cards for Dreamers will teach you new things about how to make your dream real – every time you use them.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

Journal Prompt Cards for Dreamers

Journal Cards for Dreamers guide you towards deep, purposeful, transformative journaling.

You’ll learn new things about yourself, your dream, why you hold back, and how you can make more space in your life for the things you REALLY want.

Tap into the most magical and expansive part of you.

The deck of 72 cards contains 7 cards with creative visualization prompts and 65 cards with journaling prompts.

The cards are 3.5″ x 5″ and illustrated with rich, saturated colours. They come in a cardboard box, with a small booklet with Dream Journaling tips.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

* These cards are printed, sold and shipped from the United States through The Game Crafter. I did the artwork and designed the cards, but don’t have anything to do with printing, selling or shipping so you have to contact The Game Crafter if you have questions about that. I know the international shipping rates are high, at this time there is nothing I can do about that.

Journal Prompt: How are you using your inner strength?

Journal Prompt: How are you using your inner strength?

This Journal Prompt is from the Journaling Cards for Dreamers deck.

This is a deck of 72 richly illustrated journaling cards with insightful questions that spark new possibilities.

No more facing the blank page.

No more using your journal as a place to BITCH about your problems instead of SOLVING them.

No more AVOIDING your journal because you’re not sure what to do!

Journal Cards for Dreamers will teach you new things about how to make your dream real – every time you use them.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

Journal Prompt Cards for Dreamers

Journal Cards for Dreamers guide you towards deep, purposeful, transformative journaling.

You’ll learn new things about yourself, your dream, why you hold back, and how you can make more space in your life for the things you REALLY want.

Tap into the most magical and expansive part of you.

The deck of 72 cards contains 7 cards with creative visualization prompts and 65 cards with journaling prompts.

The cards are 3.5″ x 5″ and illustrated with rich, saturated colours. They come in a cardboard box, with a small booklet with Dream Journaling tips.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

* These cards are printed, sold and shipped from the United States through The Game Crafter. I did the artwork and designed the cards, but don’t have anything to do with printing, selling or shipping so you have to contact The Game Crafter if you have questions about that. I know the international shipping rates are high, at this time there is nothing I can do about that.

Journal Prompt: Are you avoiding your shadow?

Journal Prompt: Are you avoiding your shadow?

This Journal Prompt is from the Journaling Cards for Dreamers deck.

This is a deck of 72 richly illustrated journaling cards with insightful questions that spark new possibilities.

No more facing the blank page.

No more using your journal as a place to BITCH about your problems instead of SOLVING them.

No more AVOIDING your journal because you’re not sure what to do!

Journal Cards for Dreamers will teach you new things about how to make your dream real – every time you use them.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

Journal Prompt Cards for Dreamers

Journal Cards for Dreamers guide you towards deep, purposeful, transformative journaling.

You’ll learn new things about yourself, your dream, why you hold back, and how you can make more space in your life for the things you REALLY want.

Tap into the most magical and expansive part of you.

The deck of 72 cards contains 7 cards with creative visualization prompts and 65 cards with journaling prompts.

The cards are 3.5″ x 5″ and illustrated with rich, saturated colours. They come in a cardboard box, with a small booklet with Dream Journaling tips.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

* These cards are printed, sold and shipped from the United States through The Game Crafter. I did the artwork and designed the cards, but don’t have anything to do with printing, selling or shipping so you have to contact The Game Crafter if you have questions about that. I know the international shipping rates are high, at this time there is nothing I can do about that.

Journal Prompt: What does your dream want for you?

Journal Prompt: What does your dream want for you?

This Journal Prompt is from the Journaling Cards for Dreamers deck.

This is a deck of 72 richly illustrated journaling cards with insightful questions that spark new possibilities.

No more facing the blank page.

No more using your journal as a place to BITCH about your problems instead of SOLVING them.

No more AVOIDING your journal because you’re not sure what to do!

Journal Cards for Dreamers will teach you new things about how to make your dream real – every time you use them.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

Journal Prompt Cards for Dreamers

Journal Cards for Dreamers guide you towards deep, purposeful, transformative journaling.

You’ll learn new things about yourself, your dream, why you hold back, and how you can make more space in your life for the things you REALLY want.

Tap into the most magical and expansive part of you.

The deck of 72 cards contains 7 cards with creative visualization prompts and 65 cards with journaling prompts.

The cards are 3.5″ x 5″ and illustrated with rich, saturated colours. They come in a cardboard box, with a small booklet with Dream Journaling tips.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

* These cards are printed, sold and shipped from the United States through The Game Crafter. I did the artwork and designed the cards, but don’t have anything to do with printing, selling or shipping so you have to contact The Game Crafter if you have questions about that. I know the international shipping rates are high, at this time there is nothing I can do about that.

Journal Prompt: Where is your dream asking for healing?

Journal Prompt: Where is your dream asking for healing?

This Journal Prompt is from the Journaling Cards for Dreamers deck.

This is a deck of 72 richly illustrated journaling cards with insightful questions that spark new possibilities.

No more facing the blank page.

No more using your journal as a place to BITCH about your problems instead of SOLVING them.

No more AVOIDING your journal because you’re not sure what to do!

Journal Cards for Dreamers will teach you new things about how to make your dream real – every time you use them.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

Journal Prompt Cards for Dreamers

Journal Cards for Dreamers guide you towards deep, purposeful, transformative journaling.

You’ll learn new things about yourself, your dream, why you hold back, and how you can make more space in your life for the things you REALLY want.

Tap into the most magical and expansive part of you.

The deck of 72 cards contains 7 cards with creative visualization prompts and 65 cards with journaling prompts.

The cards are 3.5″ x 5″ and illustrated with rich, saturated colours. They come in a cardboard box, with a small booklet with Dream Journaling tips.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

* These cards are printed, sold and shipped from the United States through The Game Crafter. I did the artwork and designed the cards, but don’t have anything to do with printing, selling or shipping so you have to contact The Game Crafter if you have questions about that. I know the international shipping rates are high, at this time there is nothing I can do about that.

Journal Prompt: What might your obstacle have to teach you?

Journal Prompt: What might your obstacle have to teach you?

This Journal Prompt is from the Journaling Cards for Dreamers deck.

This is a deck of 72 richly illustrated journaling cards with insightful questions that spark new possibilities.

No more facing the blank page.

No more using your journal as a place to BITCH about your problems instead of SOLVING them.

No more AVOIDING your journal because you’re not sure what to do!

Journal Cards for Dreamers will teach you new things about how to make your dream real – every time you use them.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

Journal Prompt Cards for Dreamers

Journal Cards for Dreamers guide you towards deep, purposeful, transformative journaling.

You’ll learn new things about yourself, your dream, why you hold back, and how you can make more space in your life for the things you REALLY want.

Tap into the most magical and expansive part of you.

The deck of 72 cards contains 7 cards with creative visualization prompts and 65 cards with journaling prompts.

The cards are 3.5″ x 5″ and illustrated with rich, saturated colours. They come in a cardboard box, with a small booklet with Dream Journaling tips.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

* These cards are printed, sold and shipped from the United States through The Game Crafter. I did the artwork and designed the cards, but don’t have anything to do with printing, selling or shipping so you have to contact The Game Crafter if you have questions about that. I know the international shipping rates are high, at this time there is nothing I can do about that.

Journal Prompt: What do you want to ask your dream?

Journal Prompt: What do you want to ask your dream?

This Journal Prompt is from the Journaling Cards for Dreamers deck.

This is a deck of 72 richly illustrated journaling cards with insightful questions that spark new possibilities.

No more facing the blank page.

No more using your journal as a place to BITCH about your problems instead of SOLVING them.

No more AVOIDING your journal because you’re not sure what to do!

Journal Cards for Dreamers will teach you new things about how to make your dream real – every time you use them.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

Journal Prompt Cards for Dreamers

Journal Cards for Dreamers guide you towards deep, purposeful, transformative journaling.

You’ll learn new things about yourself, your dream, why you hold back, and how you can make more space in your life for the things you REALLY want.

Tap into the most magical and expansive part of you.

The deck of 72 cards contains 7 cards with creative visualization prompts and 65 cards with journaling prompts.

The cards are 3.5″ x 5″ and illustrated with rich, saturated colours. They come in a cardboard box, with a small booklet with Dream Journaling tips.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

* These cards are printed, sold and shipped from the United States through The Game Crafter. I did the artwork and designed the cards, but don’t have anything to do with printing, selling or shipping so you have to contact The Game Crafter if you have questions about that. I know the international shipping rates are high, at this time there is nothing I can do about that.

Journal Prompt: What is asking for attention?

Journal Prompt: What do you want to call into your life?

This Journal Prompt is from the Journaling Cards for Dreamers deck.

This is a deck of 72 richly illustrated journaling cards with insightful questions that spark new possibilities.

No more facing the blank page.

No more using your journal as a place to BITCH about your problems instead of SOLVING them.

No more AVOIDING your journal because you’re not sure what to do!

Journal Cards for Dreamers will teach you new things about how to make your dream real – every time you use them.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

Journal Prompt Cards for Dreamers

Journal Cards for Dreamers guide you towards deep, purposeful, transformative journaling.

You’ll learn new things about yourself, your dream, why you hold back, and how you can make more space in your life for the things you REALLY want.

Tap into the most magical and expansive part of you.

The deck of 72 cards contains 7 cards with creative visualization prompts and 65 cards with journaling prompts.

The cards are 3.5″ x 5″ and illustrated with rich, saturated colours. They come in a cardboard box, with a small booklet with Dream Journaling tips.

$36.99 USD | Get your deck here.

* These cards are printed, sold and shipped from the United States through The Game Crafter. I did the artwork and designed the cards, but don’t have anything to do with printing, selling or shipping so you have to contact The Game Crafter if you have questions about that. I know the international shipping rates are high, at this time there is nothing I can do about that.