(As a part of my commitment to do the things I want to do and NOT do the things I don't want to do - I am not making/finding photos for my daily posts - unless I want to some days. So I am digging into the photos already on my website - this is a photo of my Dream Book journal (with cutouts that come with the class) April 2021)
On Fridays I post my Dream Status Report which is a series of prompts I use every week to help me have more clarity, momentum and groundedness on my path. Dream Book members: click here to read this on the private blog with comments section where you can share your Dream Status Report.
My Dream Status Report:
PART ONE: (sometimes these can stay the same for months at time, sometimes they change often)
My dream is: BEING the artist + writer I want to be.
I want it because: Staying where I am feels like staying stuck + this feels so enticing and important.
When I have it I will feel: More in the flow, more creative and like... feeling fully expressed. Right now it's like I have sooo much TO express, I would like to feel more fully EXPRESSED.
My new moon intention for this month: VERY SPECIFIC business goal for the end of the year
PART TWO: Invite your dream in (using the Dream Lab practice that I teach in Dream Book) to help you with the rest of the prompts.
My dream shows up as a happy fairy floating in, but then my new moon intention is like... elbowing her ?! Trying to shove her aside so I focus on her. My new moon intention is also a fairy but she's dressed different... OMG she's wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase.
I think about The Office and Mindy Kaling's "business bitch" and laugh to myself and my new moon intention SCOLDS me (WTF?).
"This is not a laughing matter. This is serious. We are being serious about this goal."
I look over at my dream who is radiant with joy, but being held back by... well I've got to name her this... the business bitch.
OK so my dream and my business goals are not getting along.
My dream gently shakes her head to say - no that's not it.
The business bitch has her arms crossed in front of her, still holding the briefcase so it's askew and it looks like papers and things may fall out of it.
I summon some comfy chairs, a table with tea and trays of sandwiches and veggies and hummus, and ask them to sit down.
"OK I'm sorry, I don't want to take sides, though I don't know why I think I'm supposed to be a neutral party, but I really want to BE the happy fairy, doing my art and writing." I turn to the business bitch "Of course your goals are my goals, but this is not how I want to get there. And I have to ask - is this how YOU want to get there?"
She starts crying. I hand her a cupcake, pink frosting with a heart on top.
"I don't eat cupcakes because the sugar and carbs make my sleepy and I need to stay focused and work hard"
"Yeah, sweetie, that's just not how I do things."
The happy fairy butts in "Actually it is - I mean you eat cupcakes sometimes but you are careful about nutrition, especially breakfast and lunch because you want to feel energized and good"
I look at them and I know that need to integrate them together. There are aspects of each one of them that I need, to get to where I want to be.
AND obviously - I HAVE AMBIVALENCE ABOUT MY BUSINESS GOALS. Not sure why I wanted to yell that. But that's how it felt.
I guess I am FRUSTRATED AF about these kinds of goals always also having ambivalence for me. Like why can't I get all of myself on board?!
I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's my Dream Self (from one of the practices in Dream Book) and she whispers "Honey it's not you, this is what it means to do this work in late-stage colonialist capitalism. It's fine that you don't love every part of it. BEING with all of your feelings about this is a part of work of deconstructing the places in you where you carry this toxic bullshit, so you can become more free."
Then suddenly I see.
I want the magic and flow and happiness of the happy fairy (my dream). I do WANT the goals (business bitch) but there is this pressure-y "let's take this seriously" vibe around her that I DO NOT want.
When I think about "taking it seriously" I just want to curl up and cry and then watch Netflix for the rest of the day.
I notice the happy fairy and business bitch are no longer on chairs, they are sitting on a love seat and snuggling.
And - this feels like a miracle even though I've been working with these aspects of me for so many years of course this is what happens - the business bitch immediately agrees to soften the pressure and take more of a "happy fairy approach" and the happy fairy agrees to hold this goal more firmly.
Which means: how do we hold this goal FIRMLY but not with PRESSURE?
This feels like a question that needs attention so I am going to make this my "question for the week" next week. Write it at the top of my planner, keep checking in with it, and see what happens.
It also feels important that I honour the spirit of my 6 weeks of blogging adventure: to DO the things I want to do and NOT DO the things I do not want to do. This includes a lot of the ideas that "business bitch" has for reaching the goal. I know there are other ways I just haven't found them yet.
Last week’s focus was: Stay slow, stay in your body and get aligned with your inner truth before taking action
What happened in the last week? I found a really beautiful rhythm for my workdays that honours my energy levels/patterns and my body! With lots of movement and rest. Slowing down IS magic, I continue to learn new things about how magic it is.
What am I learning/How do I feel about this? I feel on the verge of growth, you know that feeling? When you KNOW this thing will grow you but you don't know what that will look like. I have always done everything I can to do business in a way that aligns with my values AND there are always "next levels" to this. It feels exciting to see that next level - I don't see it but I know I am AT IT because there is nowhere else to go on this level. I guess I feel TRUSTING that the path will reveal itself if I keep showing up.
What do I need now? Give myself space to sit with this every day. In September when Joseph and I tore down and re-built some things in the Dream Loft to make it work better for him to move back in, we were using this IKEA thing and IKEA ran our of drawers. So we have 1 drawer and an empty space for 3 more drawers and I've felt like - the entire organization of all of our things DEPENDS ON THESE THREE DRAWERS. But they were out of stock for so long! BUT THEY ARE BACK IN STOCK NOW. I have them ordered and J will pick them up after work and I can paint them (that whole unit is hot pink with zebra stripes, I just love it) this weekend and then.... we can get organized! This feels important, like the things I've been waiting for are here and it's time to live how I want to live.
(Joseph can't believe how important I think the drawers are, but these drawers are the hold up in organizing literally everything else - when he moved in a lot of stuff got crammed into these big bookshelves because we had nowhere else to put it and now I can put everything where it belongs. The drawers are pretty big!)
What does my dream need now? She waves her wand - HAPPY FAIRY VIBES, GIRL!!!! STAY IN THOSE VIBES! YOU GOT THIS!
Taking all of this into account, my focus for the next week is: Sit with the question: how do we hold this goal FIRMLY but not with PRESSURE? And bring in the HAPPY FAIRY VIBES.