I just found this journaling I did in September 2024.
I feel like I am wasting all of my time, going in circles, accomplishing nothing.
Oh wow. That’s an interesting feeling! What’s going on there? Because… it looks to me like you’re working on a really interesting creative project. Where is this self doubt coming from?
It’s not self doubt! It’s…. I don’t know. Maybe self doubt?
What do you think it is?
I’m not doing enough, and of the things I am doing, I am not doing them well enough.
Ok that’s some self criticism. And a general lack of patience with the creative process. Do you agree with that?
I don’t know, am I criticizing myself or am I just being honest?
Ok WOW. No. This is absolutely TEXTBOOK self criticism, even the belief underneath that says I deserve the criticism.
What? You think you don’t deserve to be criticized?
Actually, no.
Why not?
Because I’m doing my best, I’m in the process, I’m showing up and taking steps. What more could I do?
You are literally on the verge of taking a nap.
Yeah, because it’s exhausting to keep taking steps while I have you pushing against me, criticizing everything I do.
Suddenly I feel this in my body. Heavy. Achy.
++++++
Re-reading this, in June of 2025, is intense.
I do remember that feeling like... I was so critical of myself while also feeling like being kinder to myself wasn't the answer, GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER was the answer.
This was a year after my husband left me suddenly. And 9 months after my step-son was released from three months in the hospital, after an equally sudden life-threatening illness.
Looking back, I think I did an amazing job of keeping it together but at the time, I remember how stressful everything was... and how I kept feeling like I was failing at everything.
But what's really amazing is that I don't relate to this, today.
My inner narrative has changed so dramatically. This thing where "if things are hard I automatically assume I'm doing something wrong" doesn't happen anymore.
I am so supportive and encouraging of myself.
"Oh honey yes, take a nap, you're tired"
I've also done a LOT of deep-dive explorations into: if things are hard I automatically assume I'm doing something wrong.
There is so much, culturally, that causes us to blame ourselves for when things don't go well in our lives.
There is a narrative present in dominant culture, and REALLY present in the new age, new thought, holistic wellness, "live your best life" industries, that everything should always be perfect and if it isn't that's because we messed up.
It's part of the meritocracy which is a part of white supremacy, imperialism, colonialism and capitalism which are merged together into this big evil empire whose roots are in everything.
Including our brains.
So, looking back on this journaling from September 2024 - I see how much I've cleared it out of my own mind AND I see how I see it more clearly out in the world now.
Like I got out from under it...
SOMEWHAT.
Enough to see it more clearly than I was a year ago.
I cried while writing this.
Remembering how it felt to be in the clutches of this kind of self-blame thinking.
And thinking of how many people are in it.
And how we blame ourselves for "not doing better" when actually we're up against really hard stuff, and we're doing amazing, all things considered.
There's so much more to say about this.
But this is what I've got for today.
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