I am having a really bad day.

I am doing ALL THE THINGS to feel good and none of them are working.

There is a thing I want to do, and when I check in with myself - YES I still want to do it. AND this bad mood floats over everything, covering it in doom.

I have breathed. I have meditated. I took ashwaghanda. I put on calming perfume. I didn’t journal because that felt too frustrating. I got dressed and took a bike ride to my favourite coffee shop, and got my usual (mini veggie quiche (I get here a few minutes after they come out of the oven and they are amazing) and a coffee). I am listening to uber-calming music in my noise-canceling headphones.

My dreams need me to work through this or rise above it so I can do the thing I want to do today. I need me to work through this or rise above it to enjoy my day.

Ok I just sat here, sipping coffee and watching people walk by for a few minutes and that actually does feel al little better.

Trying to keep my breathing a little deeper than usual.

I wanted to be my MOST enthusiastic and trusting self to do this thing I want to do today.

My questions are:

1. Do I need to find this version of me, can I just do it as my crabby self?
2. What would help find my most enthusiastic and trusting self?

1 - I would like to try, because I don’t completely trust my crabby self. I may overlook details or just bring a lacklustre vibe to the whole thing.

2 - I can try to  do an Un-Sticking Station style meeting but invite in my most enthusiastic and trusting self.

Not sure how this will work, but let’s see?

Hello, my most trusting and enthusiastic self (MMTAES)

Oh honey - she gives me a big hug. Sweetie. Darling. You’re not feeling it today! Are you sick?

I don’t think so. I think it’s stress  from my loved one having surgery this week - they are at home recovering but now that it’s done it’s like my stress is more noticeable - and also some uncomfortable things I am processing about my divorce.

Well sweetheart that sounds like a lot.

Yes. Thank you. Yes, it is a lot AND I really want to do this thing, you know? I am not trying to avoid how hard this all is, and I have been tending to all the things that need tending and this is one of those things. Taking this step.

I see that. And I think it’s obvious - I hope it’s obvious to you, it is to me - that you WILl be your most enthusiastic and trusting self again. There are good times ahead of you it’s just, yeah, right now, this is a lot. And this weather! Like WTF! It IS depressing.

Yeah. Yesterday the sun came out for thirty minutes and I felt changed, lol.

MMTAES hugs me again. Darling, you are doing amazing.

Thank you. AND… can you help me? Do you see that I am not trying to avoid my feelings by doing this thing, that this thing means a lot and I will feel better with it done?

Yes, darling, I see that.

ALSO, this is the kind of step that DOES stress me out. I mean right now it feels like my life is so stressful that this kind of thing is nothing. BUT in the past, when the whole world felt easier, I remember feeling this way prior to doing things like this.

So part of this is your way of taking this kind of step. Part of this is that EVERYTHING is so much more complicated right now because of things in your life and the way the world has changed.

So let’s start with the basics: How do you want to feel?

Enthusiastic about this thing I am doing. Trusting that it will go well.

What do you mean by “go well”?

That it will feel good to me to do it and it will be well received.

Hmmmm yes there is a tangle there around “well received” because I am not quite sure what that means.

The thing I am doing is ANNOUNCING the new Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership. I’ve already shared it with Dream Book members and it was well received there! I’ve talked about it out in public and have gotten good feedback there too.

A part of “well received” is that I want more people to join. But I understand that won’t happen IMMEDIATELY, I mean it likely won’t. And I have so much I want to change about how I talk about it and invite people into the work because… BECAUSE OF HOW FUCKING STRESSFUL AND DIFFICULT THE WORLD IS RIGHT NOW…. we need more support. Giving up on our creative dreams takes us down a dark path and we need more light.

Oh. That touched on it. Something shifted inside me. Some enthusiasm woke up.

Like, I am the example today of why we all need more support to do the things we feel called to do.

And I have this offering I have developed that DOES HELP. The work is still hard, but I offer that people don’t have to be alone with it and I can help hold that enthusiasm for them because I do believe in everyone’s dreams….

Another shift inside me. Not just enthusiasm but confidence.

OK I feel ready to work on this.

…a little while later…

This “thing I want to do” includes a lot of steps. I started taking the smallest ones. WHOA.

My energy shifted.

Enthusiasm and trust poured in.

Excitement even showed up.

I am doing this thing!

(This was my un-sticking around announcing/launching the Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership which I did earlier this week!)

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

All of the meditations I share are Alchemy Meditations - meditations where we are changing something into something else.

Like: 

our love and enthusiasm for our dream -> inspiration and motivation for our next steps

our fear about our next steps -> confidence and a feeling of being ready

That kind of thing. Alchemy meditations are about exploring, healing, growing and  creating.

(I added a section in the map that lists ALL of the guided meditations, right here)

There is also meditation where you just…. sit with yourself.

I am finding, especially as SO MUCH IS CHANGING FOR ME I need more time to be in that kind of meditation. It’s a way of grounding and acclimating to where I am.

Also, we can trust that meditation without any kind of focus or intention WILL bring us what we need. That we, as in our current-every-day-consciousness-self, don't have to choose our focus, we can let a larger part of us choose, which is what happens in this kind of meditation.

Sometimes, with alchemy meditation or any kind of manifesting or healing techniques, we can be coming from a very head-focused or ego place. Like, we decide what we need then try to give that to ourselves.

Meditation without focus can bring us what we ACTUALLY need, which is sometimes VERY DIFFERENT from what we think we need.

This is similar to journaling! In Dream Book, I talk about how the Dream Book journaling is all very focused on moving towards your dream, and I encourage you to ALSO “just journal” as much as possible. “Just journaling” meaning - sitting with yourself, on the page.

OF COURSE we love doing things with focus and intention, we love to choose where we are going and how we are going to get there. We are creative beings, this is natural!

In the practice of sitting with ourselves, we release that sense of “being in control” and choosing where we are going. We open ourselves up.

Having a balance of both, or shifting back and forth between them, is so good!

Since my husband left me, and then we had a huge medical situation with one of the kids, I’ve been reacting. 

I’ve been trying to heal and process. I’ve been VERY VERY FOCUSED on healing, feeling better and moving my life forward. I’ve been processing everything from the end of my marriage very deeply. I’ve learned and grown and my perspective has shifted so much I don’t always recognize my past self.

So, right now, I need A LOT of “sitting with”. In both meditation and journaling - sitting with myself, letting go of control, opening up to the moment and seeing what comes without intentionally choosing my focus.

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

I’ve been sitting in the absolute MESS OF SHIT that comes up for me when I think about how I want to do the things I want to do next.

All of the fears. The unknown. The doubts. The “why bothers”. The way I really want to do this thing but I’ve never done it before so I just don’t know how BUT I do know I don’t want to just follow someone else’s path, I want to create my own way BUT, again, I don’t know how.

Feeling all the feelings that are sparked in this.

Thinking all the thoughts that come to mind.

Journaling. Getting it all out so I can try to see it from different angles.

And then… and this only happens EVERY TIME SOMEONE STAYS WITH IT… it’s like the bottom just drops out, and I land somewhere new where I can see something new.

That’s where I am this morning.

Actually I landed last night while trying to fall asleep, this new idea just floated in and was so excited it was hard to get to sleep.

And suddenly I have this new direction to go in and a SHIT TON of inspiration and motivation to GET MOVING in this new direction.

So many coaches and helper-people out there try to FORCE these moments. Like - give you their insights about your journey to spark this magic.

But it doesn’t work that way.

Because it’s YOUR journey. So YOUR perspective is the most important one. And your PROCESS of getting to the insight actually matters. Having it handed to you DOES dull the magic.

Being in the mess of your emotional and mental reactions to your process is an alchemical process. It brings you what you need.

So, as a coach, I don’t hand out insights on a silver platter.

I make space for you to join me in the mess, I have up string lights so you can find your way around to alchemize your stucks and obstacles into gifts, medicine and fuel.

Because this is better.

And you are worth this BIG magic.

So if you're in the mess - stay with it.

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

This is the mantra I got in this week’s Dream Book journaling + alchemy kit: Life is happening FOR me, not TO me

This is one of these mantras that comes with a GIANT CAVEAT. If it doesn’t feel hopeful, don’t use it.

It’s very easy for this to turn into a way of blaming YOU for the ways the world has failed you. It can erase the impacts of systems of oppression. It can make you feel like the most horrific things that happened to you were your fault.

AND, only when it feels right, it can help re-frame difficult things and put you into a more empowered place.

I have been thinking along these lines about my divorce, which I did not choose, or see coming, but now, with 8 months hindsight, I am starting to say - yes, this happened FOR me.

There are parts of me who are still “FUCK THAT, no this didn’t happen FOR me” and that’s valid.

The part I am exploring is the part of me that feels curious about this, and curious to explore the ways this divorce benefits me.

When it feels right, it’s SO helpful.

It’s alse SO helpful to look at our dreams-that-just-stay-stuck-no-matter-how-hard-we-work through this lense.

Not to deny the hard parts or invalidate your feelings about the hard parts. Just to make some space for the part of you who can find the gifts in it.

Life is so multi-faceted. And dreams are WILDLY multi-faceted.

There ARE ways that it absolutely sucks that you don’t already have the thing you want and maybe there are also ways that it’s good that it’s happening exactly how it’s happening?

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

Once in a while I think… I should check in with this “year long resistance project” I am doing, and then I feel a LOT of resistance to that idea, so I don’t.

The start of this project was amazing, the commitment and determination I felt was so energizing. That energy helped me explore more deeply and come up with really good little changes to make (little as in DO-ABLE) that made a huge difference.

I am nowhere near as resistant now, as I in January.

And, I am still going through a divorce. Now I understand why it’s called “going through” a divorce. It’s a lot to go through, and a lot of it has nothing to do with the relationship, it’s just a big life change. So some days I am going through as in struggling to get through and some days I am going through as in moving along the path.

And it’s all connected.

My sensitivities. The ways I get overwhelmed. The ways I respond when I am overwhelmed.

I’m starting to feel like I’ve been in a nervous system freeze response since the start of the pandemic, and I am coming out of if now.

So, some of my resistance is nervous system overwhelm. Which needs rest and restoration.

And some of it is my own fears and self doubt trying to stop me. Which needs presence, focus, intention, healing, and ACTION.

Life is so complicated. Our creative dreams ask us to be more alive, more engaged with all parts of our lives and this just makes a complicated thing more complicated.

AND more meaningful and fulfilling and joyful.

AND… am I writing all of this to avoid actually looking at my resistance? lol

Thinking about resistance is kind of like thinking AROUND resistance and the only way out is THROUGH.

So, resistance, let’s talk.

Resistance shows up as a snake.

Slippery, hard to hold onto (and ewww I don’t actually want to hold onto it) and changes it’s skin continually.

I spread a blanket out on the ground, and put out a picnic.

Let’s talk.

The snake is enjoying a cup of tea and a cookie. But it’s skin keeps changing, I can’t tell what it is.

I’m not one thing.

Sometimes I protect you. Sometimes I hold you back. Don’t try to understand me, focus on knowing your relationship with me.

So…

Be more still.

Really listen to myself.

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

Does it feel like I need to rest?

Does it feel like I need to do the thing I am resisting?

Does it feel like I need to do something else?

There are so many layers to our feelings.

So many ways our conditioned patterns pop up and interfere with us knowing our truth. And then whole new layers of conditioned patterns pop up and interfere with us acting on our truth, once we finally know it.

This is a work in progress.

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

I do a New Moon Intention Setting Call every month, which is open to all Dream Book members. There is also the New Moon Intention Setting Ritual Kit for people who are not in the membership.

When it comes to my new moon intention setting, some months I know exactly what I want to do next, and some months I have no clue.

But I DO IT every month. And in the process of reflection and meditation - it feels like the right intention finds me.

Our last new moon intention setting call was on April 5 (I try to do these a few days before the new moon so that people have a chance to use the replay before or on the new moon)

I just looked through my journal and… ever since that day I’ve been drowning in the opposite of my intention.

This is how it works sometimes.

I’m not failing.

Sometimes life just lifes.

Sometimes, more often actually, setting an intention clears the way for us to see what needs to change in order to have the thing we want.

And that can get really ugly.

Which is where I am right now.

And I’ve been here so many times I am not un-nerved by it. I was relieved to open my journal this morning, revisit my new moon intention journaling, and notice how I had the exact opposite of it.

Oh, ok, so THIS IS THE WORK.

I mean I tell this to people every day, and it’s still humbling each time I see it for myself. This is the work.

Most “next steps” in outer work, most changes we want to see in our lives, require “next steps” in inner work, to go deeper.

This is NOT because we are fucked up and need to change to be good enough to have our dreams!!! Because we are deeply and significantly impacted by the culture we grow up in, and our culture is a flaming trash bin. White supremacy, the patriarchy, colonialist capitalism - these systems are bad for all living things and they’ve impacted us all.

So, in these times, you need to get MORE curious about where you hold back from the things you want, you need to be MORE compassionate with the parts of you who don’t believe in you or your dreams.

You are not wrong for the places where you hold back.

You are not wrong for HAVING inner work to do, to get to where you want to be.

This is where I am today. Noticing how the inner work just got more clear.

The prompt I am working with:

How can I support ALL PARTS OF ME in being ready to do this thing I want to do?

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

I’ve been showing up for my Creative Dream Practice, doing the alchemy processes, working with my dream… but not in the actual book that I had made for Dream Book.

Sometimes this happens.

Sometimes it’s resistance - because having it all ORGANIZED in the way we do in Dream Book gives you a sense of clarity and direction that can be scary at times.

Sometimes it’s not resistance, you’re just in a place on the path that’s less linear and structured.

Anyway, I opened up my Dream Book and it made sense - I could see why I hadn’t opened it in a while.

In the fall I had made pages for my new dreams, for the liminal space I figured I would be in for a while. Space for healing and self care and adjusting to the shock of my husband leaving. Dreams of giving myself the fall and winter to be in a cocoon of healing, and emerging in the spring ready to create my new life.

Not that I wanted to dictate the timing of my healing process, I wasn’t going to force myself out of the cocoon on any particular date - it’s just that’s how it felt to me at the time.

And now here I am, emerging from the cocoon. I mean, kind of.  I'm feeling inspired and motivated. I know so much more about what I want my new life to look like.

So here am - opening my Dream Book to get myself organized.

That doesn’t mean these past months I have been “off track” or anything.

I was just in a non-linear part of the path.

It’s ALL a part of it.

Even the times when you're just 100% IN RESISTANCE and not showing up - that's a part of it too. There is so much to wrestle with, and so many ways to work with our dreams.

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.

This is the mantra I got in this week’s Dream Book journaling + alchemy kit: I am capable of more than I know.

This is one of those mantras that has usually been true.

AND

Some of the times when I have MOST felt it are the times when I was actually the LEAST capable.

Like, there is a delusion that can set in and it can help us overcome a lot of shit.

Like "Oh I'll just put my art on Instagram and it will sell immediately!" and we use that courage to take a bunch of super brave steps.... and in the process we begin the journey of learning JUST HOW MUCH we have to do to actually sell the art.

It can feel like you've been defeated but actually, that courage and confidence helped get you to a place where you see how much you have to learn, which IS what will get you to a place of being able to do the thing.

So, I take some hope then, in the fact that I'm not sure how capable I feel right now.

And this mantra feels like a balm, reminding me of my truth.

We are always capable of our creative dreams. Our creative dreams CHOOSE us for a reason.

We won't always FEEL capable.

Learning to show up consistently. Having ways of working with your dream that work for where you're at (ie Dream Book!!). Making Creative Dreaming a HABIT. This all really helps us move through the feeling-less-capable times.

Dream Book members:

Come to the forum to share your thoughts or start a conversation about whatever you're working with.

Get your next Dream Book lesson or get a weekly journaling + alchemy kit.

Go the Library of Creative Dream Alchemy to find a practice that fits for where you are or use the Dream Lab if you're not sure where to start.

Check out the calendar of upcoming calls. Make a plan to join us live or catch a replay.