You may have noticed I’ve been sharing photos of myself holding my Year of Hope journal, to share different pages.

I really love this.

I love sharing it here on the blog, and I love having these photos to share on social media, to put my work out there.

I did a lot of experiments, and lot of them felt really uncomfortable and didn't look the way I had hoped.

Then it turned out I really loved taking these photos beside the window in my bedroom, where there is that black part of my wall mural, and it’s right beside the window.

But then I re-arranged a few things and there is a plant in there way there which I have to move over each time I want to sit there to do a photo.

And now that summer weather is here, my portable AC is there too.

It’s just a lot to move around.

And I really want to have as FEW obstacles as possible to continuing to do this as a practice.

So I started taking the photos downstairs beside the window in my workspace.

Which is ok - but I am missing the BLACK in the background and how that feels. And the window is making weird shadows.

So today I just… moved a lamp over there to counteract the window and now - no shadows!

And I just realized - I can paint this wall black, too. There is a colourful mural there which fades out into white… it can just as easily fade out into black and give me that dramatic background I want.

One step at a time.

I wouldn’t have thought of all of this at once.

I figured out how I want to do it... because I started doing it.

I looked around to find a way to try it, and trying it showed me more about what I need - in terms of lighting, background, and space to put my tripod to do the photos. And each thing I adjusted made it a little easier until now when it feels like it’s all coming together.

This is how most things come together!

Not as a “oh I got this perfectly the first time” but more as “I showed up imperfectly, I tried out my ideas, I reflected on how that went and what I wish was different, I made adjustments, I kept showing up, I made more adjustments, now it feels pretty good to keep going knowing I will likely keep making adjustments and it can all get better and easier over time”.

Where are you waiting to be ready to take a perfect step and where can you take some imperfect steps?

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The “good vibes only” “just think positive” “fake it till you make it” approach is NOT going to help you deal with this inevitable disappointment.

It actually sets you up to feel WORSE about the inevitable disappointments. Because it piles on a steaming layer of shame, telling you that you shouldn't feel how you feel!

What you need are tools, support and a mindset that accept disappointment as a part of the process and help you work through it.

In the Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership you get 3 videos for disappointment:

1. One about normalizing disappointment as a part of the process.
2. One alchemy meditation for nourishing yourself and relaxing your uncomfortable feelings of disappointment 
3. One alchemy meditation for receiving the holy gifts of disappointment. Because yes, there is always a GIFT in the disappointment.

Your disappointment is a not a personal failing!!!

It's just a part of the process.

If you can make a dream come true without feeling any disappointment along the way - you are not stretching yourself at all. You are not growing as a person. You are either thinking WAY too small, are prioritizing safety/certainty over authenticity, or you have a lot of money and are just buying your dreams, you're not engaging in a growth/healing/creative process with them.

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I just wanted to share that I WOKE UP HAPPY THIS MORNING.

And I have been waking up feeling happy every morning for a while now.

This feels surreal, given that I felt I was drowning in self doubt earlier this year when I set out to find out who I am as an artist in my 50s.

And I remembered something one of my teachers used to say:

Your clothes don’t look that dirty, but it’s time for a wash.

You put them in the washing machine…

And if you open it up halfway through - it’s disgusting. All the sweat and dirt and whatever that was in the filers has been released into the water it’s a big dirty mess.

But if you just let it go through the whole cycle - everything comes out clean.

He would say this at the start of his healing retreats to say - things are going to get worse before they get better, don’t let that make you give up halfway through the process.

It’s like that with our dreams.

Some steps we take can dig up deep rooted stuff, stuff we didn’t know what there, and working through it all can feel impossible.

But it’s not.

This is just what the process is like.

Let yourself stay in it until the end.

This is why I always say that the INNER WORK is a valid + needed part of the process, every bit as much as Dream Work and Outer Work. (Those are links to the libraries of practices + tools for each of the "works")

Inner Work is where we generate miracles, healing, and the shifts that make the outer work possible.

So, even if you feel like you're really stuck deep in there - please keep showing up. You'll work through it in time.

 

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My Year of Hope journal collided with my Dream Book journal for this one.

In my Dream Lab and Dream Self and Project Miracle meditations - I feel so much power, clarity and sense of sureness. That's what these meditations are designed to do!

Outside of the meditations - I can't always feel it.

This is the work. WE PRACTICE.

We can practice being powerful and we build it up over time and start to FEEL, ACT and BECOME more powerful in our lives.

And I don't mean developing the ability to overpower other people, I mean developing the ability to fully and meaningfully act on our convictions, inspirations and dreams.

We ARE powerful and we don't always FEEL IT.

And I am just sitting in that space of noticing the difference between how it feels in these meditations and how it feels in my daily life.

Noticing those differences is good.

Sitting with how it feels to notice those differences is good.

It's easy to freak out and judge yourself for not being able to hold that more powerful/confident/creative energy all the time.

But I want to encourage you to be proud of yourself for being able to access it in the meditations.

This is a big step.

You're feeling into your potential.

This is an invitation and a glimpse into what is possible for you if you keep showing up and working on it - it's not a judgement about how far you are from it today.

 

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I had a busy week last week and was feeling quite overwhelmed. One of the ways this manifested is that I felt emotionally clogged up... I knew I had a lot of feelings but I was mostly just numb to them.

Then last night I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. I can’t even say what I was crying about, just… everything. And it was real crying - snot flying, loud sobbing, etc. Like a dam breaking.

Then I guess I fell back asleep, because the next thing I know my cat is on me, tapping my face with his paw to let me know it’s 30 minutes until breakfast.

Today I feel emotionally hungover. My eyes are puffy and all of my muscles are achy and I am tired and in a haze.

I’m sharing all of this because I want to help normalize that these are trying times we are living through and there isn’t a right or wrong way to process it all.

But the way dominant culture is encouraging (demanding?) that we just carry on like everything is normal is not serving most of us. I think it helps to acknowledge how we are feeling and what the impacts are.

As artists, healers, visionaries and activists - we can’t really afford to be clogged up. Feeling our feelings is a part of the work, if we want to be good at our work.

I mean we can’t help but get clogged up sometimes, we're likely going to get lost in conspiracy theories and distraction - but it’s a part of our work to process and work through our feelings and try to stay present with that is actually happening.

And I was doing plenty of doomscrolling and noticing that I wasn’t even really processing what I was watching in reel after reel, I was just 100% trying to distract myself from the world.

And each time I noticed that, I reminded myself that I feel better when I stay present.

Even though today I feel like.. this is crappy and hard and none of us asked for this, when we do the work to stay present, we can access our creativity, our power and our inner knowing. And with all of that - we can find our way through.

So what to do on days like this? How do I want to show up?

I don’t know.

I do know I’ve already had too much coffee, but I’d like to make a note to self for the future: matcha would have been a better choice for how it impacts my mind, compared to coffee. And I do have a tin of matcha! So next time I could do that.

(sitting quietly with the question: how do I want to show up today?)

I think I just want to focus on art today. 

I had a list of admin things to do, but it would be ok to do them tomorrow instead. 

And if do those tasks - that means pushing my vulnerable emotional hangover feelings aside to get focused and that doesn’t feel right.

If I do art - something new could emerge out of these feelings. Or I just give myself the space to really be with this and let it move through me.

Either way - this is what feels right today, so this is what I’ll do. Some days are just a jumbled mess.

 

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Or... I'm planning to do it, but I am also ready to give up and say “No this will never work”

This is a VERY COMMON THING in creative dreaming! We can have parts of us who feel realllllly ready to do this thing... and parts of us who are terrified and will do anything to stop this from happening.

This is a part of the Inner Work and Dream Work of creative dreaming. The Inner Work is where you work with the parts of you who don't feel ready. The Dream Work is where you get more deeply aligned with the parts of you who were born ready.

Let’s look closer at what is happening for me today:

What’s going on with the part of me that IS ready to do this?

This came to me in a Dream Lab meditation. It doesn’t quite feel like part of me, it feels like my dream.. my soul calling from somewhere further on the path than where I am today.

But if I am honest, and there is no point of journaling like this if I am not, even though I am noticing I really don’t want to be honest about this but here goes: it’s an idea I have had many times. I have maybe (probably?) even taken steps towards it. Probably several times. Like, this is an idea that won’t go away, and I keep pushing it away and trying to forget it. And then it came to me in this meditation in a way that it feels like it wasn’t my idea but in the past it was.

WOW what a convoluted relationship I have with the part of me who wants this!

There is a lot to explore there, but I am going to move on to:

What’s going on with the part of me that doesn’t want to do this?

This part of me feels 70% in the driver’s seat right now, steering me away from any fruitful explorations of this idea.

Why?

It’s scared of loosing everything I have. It’s like “don’t upset the apple cart with a new way of doing things!”

And the part of me who wants to do this is like… but Creative Dreaming is ALL ABOUT finding and creating new ways of doing things. And if I want a different result I need to do things in a different way. This whole year has been about BEING the artist I AM, like in terms of how I do things - figuring out what it means to live as the artist I know I am. And that brought me to this place, to this idea. Back to this idea that I’ve explored before, but also I’m seeing it in a new way now so it feels different.

The part of me who doesn’t want this just wants to cry. It’s SO scared everything will fall apart if I make this change. 

Oh! Now I see - this part of me is holding the pain and grief of everything that has happened since 2020, even all the ways the world and internet have changed since 2016. It’s not as easy to put yourself out there as it used to be. This part of me wants me to be VERY VERY careful about upsetting anything that is working because we can’t necessarily get it back.

I don’t think we should take un-due risk. We can always take really small steps and experiment first. We can find ways to bring safety in. 

AND

There are risks involved which feel terrifying sometimes. 

Sometime’s it’s a small risk and a big terror.

It doesn’t really matter - your feelings are always valid and exploring them can help you better understand what you need to do this thing you want to do.

So, if I am VERY VERY careful - will the part of me who doesn’t want to do this, consider doing this and stop throwing wrenches in every idea that comes along?

Yes. I see this part of me putting down her wrenches, though she’s keeping them within reach to pick them back up. Fair enough.

The part of me who wants to do this is HAPPY to go slow and be careful. CAREFUL is not the quality she wants to lead with.

So what qualities does she want to lead with?

EXPANSION, CLARITY, OFFERING, INVITATION

As I show the part of me who doesn’t want to do this these qualities, all parts of me see:

This is the natural next step.

I mean - TRYING THIS IDEA is the natural next step.

Maybe we won’t get all the way there. Maybe we’ll do it and it will be a disaster. Maybe it will exactly what we need. THAT DOESN’T MATTER.

The outcome doesn’t matter.

So when I say that this feels like the natural next step - I don’t mean that it comes with a guaranteed outcome.

The only guarantees in Creative Dreaming are that you can’t get there if you don’t keep showing up.

And while there is still TONS for me to explore about my ambivalence - it also feels clear now that this is the way for me to show up next. This is my next step. It feels scary, so I will tend to that fear (in the Un-Sticking Station) while I also work on taking this step.

 

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My dreams ARE A PART OF ME. They are how my soul shows me my path.

Daily-ish meditation with the soul of my dreams AKA using the  Dream Lab meditation, helps me grasp the bigger picture of who I really am.

This is where our approach is really different from the mainstream "manifest your dreams" world.

We're not trying to force our dreams into existence. We are learning how to listen to our dreams more deeply.

This means our dreams can SURPRISE, HEAL and GROW us.

AND it means that we let go of a certain amount of control... I might think my dream is one thing, but my dream (and my soul) (and the mystery of life) may have something else in store for me....

But in all of my years of doing this work, no one's dream has ever surprised them in a bad way, you know? Our dreams usually have better ideas than we do, because they have not been indoctrinated into the bullshit cultural norms we live every day.

Today in my meditation - the Field of Creative Dream Alchemy WAS MY HOME!

The Field of Creative Dream Alchemy, in these meditations, is the supportive and transformative space where the work happens. It's not necessarily meant to be a real word place, it's a place inside you, where you go to work on stuff.

So to have it appear as my own home (which has never happened in all these years of doing this work) felt like a big healing.

It was like "YOU DID IT!!!" "You created the space you need!"

And it felt like such a relief to settle into my home. To know that I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED, RIGHT HERE. To physically settle into this knowing.

And then in the dream meeting part I got the message:

I am in the process of freeing myself

This is what all creative dreaming is.

Freeing yourself. Coming back to yourself. Creating a life where you can truly fully be yourself.

And there are so many layers and steps involved to get there, and then to keep getting there as you grow and change.

We never "get there". We are all in the process of freeing ourselves, and each other. This is why I love to share my tiny little daily(ish) steps.

 

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Being creative, sensitive + empathic in this chaotic world is a lot! Give yourself more credit!

This was a note to self that also feels like a note to the world.

And then this one:

It takes some time for the dust inside to settle.

Just noticing how, with so many destructive things happening around me and around the world, everything is just stirred up.

So I need to give myself more time to let it settle.

Like - if we're not recognizing how the state of the world is impacting us, then we're not able to care for ourselves appropriately in all of this. And that leaves us powerless.

What this keeps coming back to for me is: I keep needing to move slower. And to accept where I am.

How are you acknowledging the stress of these times and how it impacts you?

I am working on a journaling kit for existential dread.

I hope by the time I post this it's done but... I am just moving SO SLOW and it feels wrong to push myself. So it will be ready when it's ready.

 

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It's been coming up a bit in conversations on our group calls, how hard it can be to speak your truth. With fake news/political propaganda being so normalized, just saying the true thing can take so much energy. And yet not speaking up can feel really wrong.

So I wanted to share this experience I had where I used the Un-Sticking Station practice to work through the "vulnerability hangover" I had after saying the true thing.

Taking my vulnerability hangover into the Un-Sticking Station:

Where do I feel this in my body?

In my belly. It’s a very strange sensation. Like… something trying to break free. Like we’re in the ocean and this creature is trying to swim away but it can’t.

I put my hands on my belly and try to offer it love.

A very young inner child shows up. “I wish we wouldn’t speak out about anything”

Oh sweetheart. I’m sorry you feel that way. Can you tell me more?

“I’m so scared of what people will say to me and what they will think of me.”

I give her a big hug and say "Hey - you have me to protect you. Please remember that you are safe."

I think about how that fear of judgement keeps us quiet and conforming and how our dreams want us to be loud (or at least visible/hearable) and authentic.

It’s fine for me to make the brave choice. I mean I know it’s scary for my inner children but I PREFER the brave choice because it feels better to live in alignment with myself instead of living in alignment with dominant culture. My values matter to me.

Also, by NOT speaking up, I end up surrounded by people who wouldn’t like me if they knew who I really was. 

My inner child was listening and at that part, she perked up.

We’re actually safer by being up front and authentic and speaking out. It means the people who don’t like us… just leave… and then the people who are left DO like and accept us.

That’s right!

She says "It still feels uncomfortable, but I see how it’s worth it."

The sea creature in my belly feels free now.

It's not always this simple, but the Un-Sticking Station meditations help you SIT WITH these uncomfortable places in a way that transforms them. There is no way out of them, but through them.

 

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After my dream lab meeting where some voice wouldn’t let me think of ‘’my dream” as “my dream’ anymore, I thought two things:

This is a really good sign that I am on track with the thing I am working on - like “this is done. It’s in process. Move on to something else” is a way of trusting that it’s happening.

There is another thing I want: to be exercising more. Or moving my body more. I wasn’t thinking it is a DREAM since I usually do get so much movement. And there usually is a transition with this during seasonal transitions, and it’s awkward for a bit and then I’m fine.

But this year is different. Climate change is really impacting the way our seasons shift which impacts what kind of outdoor movement is possible. This year “spring” was mostly winter weather and now it’s suddenly in the freaking 30s.

I’m overwhelmed by the heat before I even had a chance to get into spring routines.

This all feels VERY SMALL in light of everything that is happening in the world. AND it’s happening to me right now, these are my feelings and they deserve some attention.

My heart breaks almost every time I go out. The signs of collapse are everywhere, the ways my city has changed in the last five years are heartbreaking.

Like - one day this winter I walked downtown to meet a friend for dinner. It was a 45 minute walk, wearing my anti-slip boots which are not that comfy, so I arrived a bit early to sit down, warm up, and rest my feet. But the mall I was going to stop and sit down in.... had removed every bench. I just walked around in shock, thinking about people getting together to discuss the problem of a rapid and heartbreaking increase in un-housed people downtown who need to warm up and rest somewhere safe... and then came up with the solution of removing every bench in the mall and adding security guards to the food court to make sure no one sits down without paying for something. It's so dystopian.

Giving myself space to sit with this and journal out ALL of my thoughts and feelings about how to include more biking and walking into my daily routines feels like such a waste of time.

I keep coming up with the same ideas for what to do. It feels like I am going in circles.

But seeing it all written out together, again, it just feels different.

I feel closer to creating new routines.

All these obstacles we have to doing the things we want to do… it can feel like we’re just whining or being too picky but we’re not.

We’re looking at the reality of the situation, at every detail of it, and our feelings about it, to make a plan that works with/around all of the obstacles in the way.

We ARE moving in circles sometimes! Circling is a valid way to work things through and get onto a new path.

Sometimes we have to think through it, and feel through it, over and over, as we get our new plan in place.

 

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*this post accidentally went out last week - but it was supposed to go out today, as it's connected to yesterday's post.

Doing Dream Work puts us in the process of really listening to and connecting with the soul of our dreams. This puts us in the process of healing and growth and really listening to and trusting our callings. This is A LOT!

Sometimes, like my meditation yesterday, it's all weird and there are no solid or helpful answers or ideas.

So sometimes while we're doing the practices we're not seeing benefits or results. Still - doing the practices is keeping us in the process. That's always the most important part.

Ideas and shifts can come outside of our practices. It's like the practices feed the process but the process is going to do its own thing, we don't control that. (We only control how quickly we move through it by how diligently we show up to practice + engage)

After my weird meditation yesterday, I woke up today with a thought in my head:

It betrays the dignity of the human spirit to live and dream from within the current paradigm.  

The dream I am working with now, the thing my dream scoffed at yesterday and called "a small shift" and said "it's already in process don't even worry about it" is about money and business and how I am switching things up to match where I am now.

And I understand what my dream was saying now.

My dreams are SOUL CALLING. This is sacred creative important work.

How I pay my bills is not sacred.

Yes - CARING FOR MYSELF and HAVING MY NEEDS MET is all sacred because all of life is sacred.

But... it's like dreaming of an organized and well functioning home. Washing the dishes is going to be a part of that but is washing your dishes YOUR SACRED DREAM?

Not to say it's not important and worthy.

But it serves a greater dream, and my dream was asking me to focus on the greater dream.

Which is.... I am still figuring that out. With so much in flux in my life this could take a while?

AND there is the part of my dream that never changes: to do this work and share it and hold space for others to do it with me. To keep exploring my creativity.

Dreaming really isn't ever black and white. Keep doing the Dream Lab practice regularly!

 

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I’m not following my rule every day, but I’m trying.

The rule is that if I want to pick up my phone when I first wake up, we’ll I can do the Wordle but after that - I can only use my phone to get the Dream Lab meditation going. I am still really thrilled by playing it on the speaker so my own voice fills the room.

I use both the 10 and 20 minute versions. Today it was the 20 minute.

I invited my Dream in and it started to come in, in the same way it’s been coming to me when I use the Project Miracle meditation. Then this voice, I think it's actually my dream, comes in and says “that’s not your dream”

And I say… "but it is. This is the thing I am working on. This is what I want right now."

And it says “This is not a DREAM. It’s a shift that you are calling in with project miracle, and you’re doing that really slowly, but you are doing it. Trust that.”

I feel kind of lost because who cares if it’s a dream or a shift it’s the thing I want now and why is this meditation going so weird?

The voice comes back “this is sacred space to meet with your DREAM”

(Implied: don't meet with this "shift" it's not worthy of this)

I think about how a dream calls us and invites us to grow towards it.

I think about: What do I really want right now? 

And I just say with my questions for the rest of the meditation. Then I in the end when I held out my hands, my dream was a huge ball of light, and I put it into my heart and that felt great.

And I reminded myself that we’re not supposed to ALWAYS KNOW. We need times of not-knowing to open up to new possibilities.

 

Creative Dream Incubator Coaching Membership members:

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