In these last few days of the year, I'm having a hard time really connecting with my practice.

I had a wonderful holiday, but it was still a lot, and now I need down time. So I am tidying, and journaling, and doing creative projects while dreaming of how I want to start my new year.

Today I am thinking back and I wrote... I almost a biography. It just felt really helpful to write my story in this way, so here it is:

I have always been highly creative and intuitive. When I was five years old, I was dreaming of re-decorating the bathroom in our basement, spending hours delighting in planning out colour schemes. I have been able to spirits since I was a young child and I have always felt guided by wise and helpful non-physical beings.

My connection to my creative/intuitive/spiritual self has always been really really powerful.

AND

My self doubt and fear that I am not good enough have also always been really really powerful.

I graduated from Ryerson University in 1998 with a degree in fashion design and a passion for surface design. I knew even then that the thing I wanted to do most was help other people get in touch with the big magic I felt from intuitive/spiritual approaches to creativity.

And, of course, I had no clue how to DO that.

I was a textile artist, a writer, a costume designer, and I worked crappy jobs in between to make ends meet while I never gave up believing that the work that felt the most meaningful to me, the work that felt like it was my career and my purpose, would one day sustain me financially.

It wasn't until 2007 - which is not even 10 years later, but it felt like an absolute eternity at the time - when I was 3 years into my training as a spiritual teacher, that I started putting on my own creativity workshops, blending meditation and healing with the magic of creative play.

And then it was 2010 when I decided to make this work my full time job.

And here we are at the end of 2022, and my business, the Creative Dream Incubator, has been steadily supporting me for these last twelve years. And in all honesty, I have been frustrated by a lack of business growth for the last three years, but I've also been amazed by how my business has stayed solid and steady even in the face of all that has happened since 2020.

I believe in the magic and value of creative dreams. I believe in the EPIC POWER of creative dreams.

AND I do still experience moments when my self doubt, fear and uncertainty feel just as powerful.

Now, at 48 years old, I understand so much more about how our world shapes us. About how our culture fails us. That we are born with magic in us, and our culture teaches us to dim that magic and shape ourselves into little cogs so we can better fit into the capitalist machine.

Now, at 48 years old, I know I have major sensory processing issues and am likely autistic but I was born at a time when girls were shaped by our culture to bury our own needs so deep we didn't know what they were and so autistic girls were rarely diagnosed. So by the time I was an adult I knew how to put my needs aside in order to fit in with what the world wanted me to be.

It was my creative dreams that showed me that compromising my own needs dims my light, deflates my power, and steals my joy.

It was my creative dreams that taught me how to set up my life in a way that works for me.

It was my creative dreams that showed me where I needed to do deeper healing work.

A creative dream is whatever it is that you are dreaming of.

It's "creative" in the sense that it's yours to create in your life. It's easy to think that a creative dream needs to be some big impressive thing like writing a book that saves the world, but that's actually one of the lies this world tells us to try to keep us from our dreams. Whatever inspires and intrigues you IS your creative dream - there really isn't a way to pick the "wrong" dream. The work is listening to your dreams and bringing them into fruition in your life help you align more deeply with your own inner truth which leads the way to deeper dreams. We are all FULL of dreams.

In the last twelve years with the Creative Dream Incubator, I have learned that our creative dreams absolutely hold the key to everything we need.

This means they will make you look at the things you'd rather avoid. They will ask you to take responsibility for your behaviours. They will push you to be braver than you think you are.

They will remind you that you are more than you think you are. They will show you that you are the magic.

All of the ways that we WAIT are manifestations of our fear and doubt. These are the places in you that need healing.

There is ALWAYS something you can do with your dreams.

There is ALWAYS a next step you can take.

I can show you a way to ALWAYS be able to see that next steps.

I can show you ways to work with your dreams even when you're stuck, afraid and convinced they are impossible.

I can show you how to heal and grow your way into who you really are.

This work been my mission for as long as I can remember and at 48 years old and I am so grateful that I have created an approach to creative dreaming that works, consistently, no matter how afraid you are or how many obstacles you have. My Creative Dream Alchemy framework works WITH the fears, stucks and obstacles while also working WITH your inspiration, creativity and inner wisdom.

I think it's BECAUSE I have so much self doubt and creative resistance that I have become exceptional at this work. I will never ask anyone to "fake it till they make it" or "just work harder". I understand the deeper issues at play, and I know the magic of working on those deeper issues to give your natural creativity, inspiration and momentum more space to bloom.

I am wildly grateful to be right where I am, and thrilled about what I want to do next.

In these last few days of the year, I am pausing, making space to sit with the question:

What do I really want next?

 

Dream Book members: Want to discuss? Click here to find this post on our private blog with comments section.

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Dream Book members: Want to discuss? Click here to find this post on our private blog with comments section.

Not in Dream Book yet? Click here to find out more + join us.

Photo from June 2021 on another magical day when things came together for me and I still remember spending that morning in the park, writing.

One place where people sometimes get lost with my work is in how non-linear it is.

And I wish I could do something about that, but the work IS non-linear. If there was some straight line that led from where you to where your dream is - well that would be nice! But there really isn't.

The path isn't just non-linear, it's non-directional and also multi-dimensional.

The last few weeks my posts have felt like they are all over the place - discovering things, getting stuck, discovering other things, re-discovering a thing I already discovered, getting un-stuck, getting new ideas, all the things sometimes seemed disconnected from each other.

But then days like today come along and ALL THE THINGS GET TIED TOGETHER.

And THEN it makes sense that so many seemingly disconnected things kept coming up in my daily practice.

Because I needed all of them to come together in just the right way for me to see my new project.

This project feels like the answer to ALL of the questions I’ve been sitting with this past year - maybe even two years.

And I’m not ready to share the details of it, but today I am starting working on it. I was up early, and came to my favourite place downtown because I wanted that “working out of a coffee shop vibe” to get this started, and so here I am. Starting.

Dream Book members: Want to discuss? Click here to find this post on our private blog with comments section.

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(Sharing a photo of me in the sweet little bakery/coffee shop near me that I want to spend time in this week. It's a wood-fired bakery, so they have the fire going all morning and it's sooooo warm, perfect in the winter!)

During the New Moon call we did on Dec 21, I had such an intense sensation of connecting with the version of me who has done the thing I want to do and the thing that struck me is:

She's so CHILL, like chiller than I have ever been. She said to me "This is SO easy." and showed me some of the things she does. It made me feel so SURE.

I've been thinking about how, these last two years, I am not following through as "well" as I used to. Some things are taking a lot longer to do. Some things are just not getting done.

And it has felt like a real struggle. I want to do things, but... so much gets in the way, mostly lack of focus and having less energy. I used to move quickly between Dream Work, Inner Work and Outer Work.

And today - I am feeling the joy of staying in the Dream Work. Dreaming about it. Planning it. Being excited about and not rushing to DO it.

I'm feeling GRACE for myself for the last two years. And I am looking forward to 2023.

 

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The holiday season can easily trigger Creative Dream Resentment: That feeling you get when there is something you want to be doing, but you can't do it.

I want to rest, but I am going to a different holiday party every night!

I want to work on my art, but I had to clean up my studio and use it as a guest room for visiting family.

And so on...

The thing is, most people do LIKE the holidays. We enjoy the parties and want the visiting family to be here.

AND

We also want to do the things we want to do.

AND

Our Creative Dreams aren't just "wants" they are deep and important soul-level needs.

Our Creative Dreams touch such deep places in us that they can trigger really big feelings.

And those big feelings can feel startling and uncomfortable and unwelcome - especially during the holidays when we're all supposed to be jolly.

If you are feeling some of this:

Hand on heart. Take 5 deep breaths.While you do that, think about how ALL of your feelings are perfectly and completely valid. Even the ones that conflict with each other. Even the ones that you are judging. They're all valid.

Notice the shape and texture of your resentment and where it lands in your body. Notice how nuanced and layered it is.

Normally I feel we shouldn't rush this work or try to move it to any particular outcome, but because it's the holidays and no one has time for long and honest emotional processes: look specifically for the LOVE and ENTHUSIASM that you have for your Creative Dreams.

Resentment has a lot of different feelings in it, but LOVE and ENTHUSIASM are usually in there too. The LOVE and ENTHUSIASM that you have for your Creative Dream that is being hampered by other things is usually at the root of Creative Dream Resentment.

Focus on the LOVE and ENTHUSIASM that you have for your Creative Dreams.

APPRECIATE the LOVE and ENTHUSIASM that you feel for your Creative Dreams!

And promise yourself you'll make space for these important soul-level NEEDS of yours, soon. Just not today.

Or - cancel Christmas and go do your dreams!

Or - something else. Usually resentment is a call for boundaries, but you may not have time to delve into that work today.

How can you bring your LOVE and ENTHUSIASM for your Creative Dreams into your holiday celebrations? What is the easiest way to do this RIGHT NOW?

On Fridays I post my Dream Status Report which is a series of prompts I use every week to help me have more clarity, momentum and groundedness on my path. 

My Dream Status Report:

PART ONE: (sometimes these can stay the same for months at time, sometimes they change often)

My dream is: BEING the artist + writer I want to be. This is the "big picture" dream - this includes lots of different inner + outer things, which I am working on clarifying in my new Dream Book.

I want it because: This feels so enticing and important. Like I've outgrown who I was and it's time to be who I am now.

When I have it I will feel: More in the flow, more creative and like... feeling fully expressed. Right now it's like I have sooo much TO express, I would like to feel more fully EXPRESSED.

My new moon intention for this month: VERY SPECIFIC business goal for the end of the year

 

PART TWO: Invite your dream in (using the Dream Lab practice) to help you with the rest of the prompts.

The Field of Creative Dream Alchemy feels very distinctly like it is INSIDE ME. I invite in my dream and realize - of course my dream lives inside me.

I know I have said "your dream is inside you, not outside" many times but I am feeling it differently today.

My dream shows up as sunrise. Beautiful, colourful, full of light, and INEVITABLE - but also impossible to rush. I see the beginnings of it off on the horizon.

I call in the soul of my business to join us. It shows up as a light above me, kind of light a spotlight, not like a sun that lights up everything. Oh wow! It's shining it's light very specifically on my hands, which are holding the project I started working on this week.

It feels like - this project helps you move towards the dream.

 

PART THREE:

Last week’s focus was: Still - do the next thing that feels like magic. Have a clear list of what I want to get done and keep checking in with my body + feelings about what I need next.

What happened in the last week? I did not get that clear list of things written out. I do have a longer list, but didn't narrow in what I want to do this week. I do think I still have "Covid brain". I will look at that list again today to see - what absolutely needs to get done before Christmas? While I'll have a lot of down time next week, I do want to work for a few hours each morning, so I can also make a list of what needs to get done before the end of the year.

Mostly this week, I had a very intense time in my practice, I feel like I broke through a big old stuck and I found clarity about this new business project, which is also a huge and satisfying creative project. I feel like, after all this time wanting this new dream and knowing I want to do things differently than I have been, but not knowing what, exactly, "different" means - now I have some direction. A project to begin with. So it feels like I am starting out at the beginning AND it feels like it took a LOT of work to figure out where the beginning even is.

What am I learning/How do I feel about this? I feel really excited to have found a path/project that I want to explore.

What do I need now? I have been getting overwhelmed from all of the "holiday stuff" - even when I say no to so many things, there are still so many things! I need rest. I am excited about this project AND I want to go slowly with it, for now at least.

What does my dream need now? Oh! Now the spotlight is shining on a blanket and pillow. Being well rested can help nurture this project. Also it feels like - now that I have a clear project/path/direction to get started with, it's good to go SLOW and give all of my ideas time to incubate.

Taking all of this into account, my focus for the next week is: Be/stay well rested and restore (stay away from overwhelm)

 

My practice is INTENSE this week!

The way it's happened is that I've had SO MUCH happening in my practice that I started writing more than one post a day which is really great because that gave me a few days to process things.

I feel like that sense of "something is off" was growing for a month and then when I finally looked it, it created such a huge shift for me, in terms of how I feel about and see my options for what I want to do.

I started a new project. Like a BIG new project. I don't know if it will become as big as I am seeing it right now, but I do know I feel ALL THE ENERGY for this, and so I dove into it wholeheartedly.

I've been working on it a few hours every morning to explore all of my ideas and give the project a sense of shape. Like it's so new, I have no clue what it really can be. So I am writing, drawing, exploring, brainstorming, feeling REALLY EXCITED about the project.

And - not quite ready to share what it is yet, because I do know it's early enough that it could chance significantly.

But I FEEL INSPIRED AND EXCITED and I am making space to explore this. This feels like everything.

I am having a major vulnerability hangover.

Sharing my own practice more widely felt so inspiring and RIGHT at first and now it feels like too much.

Especially since yesterday's post was a really big breakthrough I had, and when I was putting it onto the blog I realised - no, this isn't for the blog.

I still want to do my daily blog posts until the end of the year...

AND I need to respect my feelings about it being to much to keep doing it as I have been...

So - I don't know.

When I don't know what to do, I pretend I am my own client. (I've never not been able to help a client figure out what to do, but often can't help myself figure it out, unless I pretend I'm doing a coaching session).

If I was my coach, I would say - let's explore that "I don't know" feeling.

What does it look like?

An iridescent sky blue cloud.

OK that's interesting. Usually clouds are white or grey against the sky blue sky, but this cloud is sky blue?

Yeah, it's not in the sky, it's like right here in the room beside me.

Oh, beautiful!

Yeah, it is beautiful.

That's interesting that the feeling is BEAUTIFUL... does it feel beautiful inside you?

I can't quite locate it inside me, because it's bouncing around. It feels like... possibility.

Not knowing feels like possibility.

Yeah.

Is the cloud still there? Has anything changed?

It's gone. It's inside me, as a sense of possibly.

OK, so now you have a sense of possibility about what you want to do next with your blog.

I guess that's the thing. It's not just about the blog. The daily blog posts were a way of practicing visibility and communication. And I still have so much to learn there! BUT I have learned that the way I was doing this isn't how I want to keep doing this.

So that feels hopeful because you learned something but also disappointing because the way you'd hoped this would work isn't working? Is that right?

Yes. Hopeful and disappointing and also some shame, like I should have known this wasn't the right way. I mean I feel embarrassed that I felt so RIGHT and EXCITED about this when now it feels so WRONG and that feels extremely VULNERABLE and UNCOMFORTABLE.

So that's a lot of feelings all at once!

It is. But also another feeling.... I feel like I COME ALIVE when I really dig in and explore what's happening with me. I love this. It feels as good as it feels to do this with other people.

So - which feeling stands out as the one that you want to explore?

The shame. The sense that I should have known. That's such a dream killer to feel like you're supposed to have all the answers.

Where does it come from?

The story that I should do things "the right way". The story that there even IS a right way! And that as long as I do things the right way, I am guaranteed to be ok. There is also a bit of a story about wanting other people to think that I know what I am doing, so to be wrong out in public feels very uncomfortable.

I do think that being wrong out in public is very uncomfortable for everyone!

Oh, yeah, I guess it is.

That's the culture. That's a way that our culture doesn't hold space for our human-ness. Our culture is encouraging us to be good little capitalist productivity robots, and there's no room to experiment or try things or follow what feels good... unless it's guaranteed to pay off.

Oh wow. Yes. That's NOT conducive to an actual ALIVE and CREATIVE life at all.

So you're going against unconscious cultural conditioning. That's bound to be uncomfortable!

Yeah, I can have empathy for my discomfort and that soothes the feeling that I should have known better.

OK so now what happens to the story that you should have known better?

It feels ridiculous. Like - I don't WANT TO know better. I want to follow my inspiration! I want to do those things that feel so RIGHT and INSPIRING and who fucking cares if they don't immediately "pan out"? Like that feels ridiculously irrelevant.

Ridiculously irrelevant.

Yeah but there is still a tinge of wishing I wasn't sharing all of this quite so openly because a lot of people really don't get it.

Yeah, I can see that. Can we 100% validate that feeling?

Yes. I can wish that I could control how people see me while also not actually putting any energy into controlling my image. The thing is, when I am thinking about that, it's never that I am worried about what MY PEOPLE think. I know that MY PEOPLE get it. I'm worried about random people on Facebook that I used to know who never really understood me anyway so it's really silly that I would care.

I'm not sure it's silly, I think it's human. And it's a big part of why most people don't share themselves with any real vulnerability the way you are trying to do.

Oh, right, yeah.

So how is this story landing now? You should have known better?

I love that I didn't know better. That iridescent sky blue cloud is back and it's like - sparkling magical blue skies all around me. I tried a thing, learned a lot, and now I get to take what I learned to try the next thing.

What do you think the next thing is?

It's connected to the conversation I had with my fear yesterday. That new way that I want to look at how I am in my business. Recognizing that something is feeling off in my marketing - not necessarily that I've done something wrong, but that a new way is now possible. But I don't know what that new way is, and thinking about it feels so discouraging and overwhelming.

Do you want to work with the discouragement and overwhelm?

No. This is a lot already. What I want to do is the meditation from Marketing as a Creative and Spiritual Practice. Just be with it, the meditation we did on the second call is exactly what I need here to start to see that new possibility for how I could be doing things.

Great! So you know what to do next.

Yes. Thank you!

(After this, I edited yesterday's post to add the "next day update" and then decided to share it on the public blog too)

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"You're doing something wrong. You should be marketing your work in a different way."

This voice is like - not quite at the forefront, but not quite quiet enough that I can't hear it either. This low, rumbling uncomfortable feeling.

So I'm bring it into the Un-Sticking Station (one of the practices we use in Dream Book)

Voice shows up as: a man in a suit with a hat... like Charlie Chaplin style?

So, hi there. I wanted to find out more about why you are saying these things.

He just looks at me. I realise - Charlie Chaplin was a silent movie actor, right? I mean, I don't know that this IS Charlie Chaplin he's just kind of got that style.

So you said that I am doing things wrong, that I should be marketing my work in a different way. I'd like to explore this with you.

Again, he's just staring at me.

I'm feeling very awkward.

Are we not able to have this discussion?

He shrugs.

Do you not want to have the discussion.

OK let's be clear. You don't want a "discussion". You want to change my mind about what I am saying and I won't have it.

Oh, well, no, actually I...

No, YOU no. I know how the Un-Sticking Station works. You are expecting me to transform.

Usually that's how it works, but maybe I need to transform! Honestly, I am willing to listen.

I get the sense he wants a rose, so I offer him a rose.

He holds it, looks into it for a while.

It's just that - you're doing all of these calls and people INSIDE Dream Book can see them all, but for the people OUTSIDE Dream Book they don't really see everything that's happening.

I hear you, and you're right!

I feel like, if people could see all these cool things they may want to join in on them, but your marketing is, and I am sorry if this feels harsh, but it's too haphazard.

Haphazard! That's an interesting word. Right now, I send an email every Sunday, consistently. Sometimes other emails too. Before I was doing the Sunday emails, I was still doing a weekly email. I'm not arguing, I see that this feels haphazard to you and I'd like to understand more.

Well, first of all - what about the people not on your email list? They don't even know what they could be experiencing in Dream Book!

You are completely right there. I'm not sure that they need to know though, because they haven't chosen to try my free classes or sign up for emails, so if they're not that interested in my work, I'm not sure why I would keep telling them about it?

I am saying you could be more clear and consistent about letting people know what you actually offer.

You are completely right. I am making a note of that and I also want to know -what else feels haphazard to you?

You don't have a system or process for how you let people on your email list know about upcoming classes. Or to even explain to them all that you do in Dream Book! It's this amazing magic world and you're leaving it to them to find it.

I mean, I think I am putting myself out there and respecting their sovereignty. But yes I see your point, too. You would like me to have more STRUCTURE in my marketing, is that right?

Yes! God yes. Structure AND strategy. I want you to remember that strategy doesn't mean sleazy! NOT strategy around trying to persuade people, but strategy around being consistent and clear. Having a system/structure in place so you don't have to figure it out each time, too. I think this would make you happier AND make me happier.

Hmmmm. I like what you're saying. Is there anything else?

You've been right in the details of it for so long, you're focusing on what people in inside Dream Book and that's great! I'd like you to take a little time to step back and look at the bigger picture of how people find the Creative Dream Incubator and how they decide to join. I want you to clarify those paths and develop simple routines and structure that fit in with what you're doing inside Dream Book. You can make it easy for YOU to make it easy for the people that Dream Book is for to find it.

OK that is super helpful. This idea that "what I have been doing feels haphazard" - which felt so out of left field when you first said it, is starting to feel true. When I think about doing what you are saying, it feels really good.

I appreciate your advice! I wish you weren't whispering "you're doing it wrong" because that feels hurtful and feels like it's a self esteem/self doubt/"you just do everything wrong" kind of thing when really you had a really helpful idea to bring me.

I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to get your attention.

I guess, now that we've had the discussion, you could say "Hey! This feels haphazard to me!" Maybe you can be the Haphazardness Sensitivity Officer for the Creative Dream Incubator.

Ummmm, I want to be the marketing director.

Oh, yeah that makes sense.

Marketing is love. There are so many people out there that Dream Book is for. And they don't all know it. Sharing your daily posts for a month has been really good, but it's not a clear and consistent path. Since THE WORK ITSELF is so non-linear, your posts are non-linear, so having a path that IS linear would be really helpful.

OK that blew my mind a little. Yes, you are the Marketing Director and we'll work on this together.

++++++++

Update written the next day:

This felt EXTREMELY RAW. When I wrote it, I felt there was NO WAY I was going to post this on my public blog because this is too vulnerable.

Re-reading it today, I know it's not.

What happened was, a WALL of shame and fear and all sorts of uncomfortable feelings came up around "I am doing it wrong" and "I should have known better"

I did a lot of work on that (you can read that in tomorrow' post - really interesting un-sticking work!)

And now I see: I am doing *exactly* what I set out to do in Marketing as a Creative + Spiritual Practice.

This is literally the assignment from the second call! PRACTICE putting it out there a little more boldly or loudly and see what happens.

When visualizing the path between your work and the people your work is for, zoom in more closely on the part of the path where they are right now to see what is needed.

This is what I am doing.

There are so many reasons why this is just horrifically uncomfortable - again, that's all in tomorrow's post.

But I am doing what I set out to do.

Engaging in a practice helps us GROW into the version of ourselves that knows how to do the thing better than we know right now.

This applies to all dreams, not just business.

Showing up and practicing WILL TEACH YOU and GROW YOU.

In those moments it's easy to feel like you failed, you did something wrong, you should have known better.

But actually - you are doing amazing.

Process all the feelings that come up, and carry on.

These times are as MAGICAL as they are DIFFICULT.

In the Before Times, I used to go to coffee shops every morning. Something about the din of the coffee shop forcing me to focus on my work helped me to REALLY focus on my work. I could spend a few hours there and get a remarkable amount of work done.

I repeat: Having some kind of activity around you and being forced to focus, can help you focus more deeply than you can if the activity wasn't there.

Which means: hard times that we are in also can make for MAGICAL and TRANSFORMATIVE times. Like the din of the coffee shop, the ABSOLUTE WILDNESS of everything that is happening in the world can help us shut the world out to focus on our own dreams. I mean - not keep our heads in the sand forever, but it becomes more important to MAKE SPACE for ourselves when surrounded by SO MUCH.

I've been experiencing this myself and seeing it in a lot of people in Dream Book. As the world becomes wilder, it's like we are forced to focus more firmly on our own dreams, our creativity, our values, our truth. It becomes so much more urgent to do the things we feel called to do. The world needs ALL OF US!

And then it actually does get easier to summon the courage to face the fear and let go of all the different ways we hold ourselves back, and make our dreams a priority.

I love this. I am here for this.

For 2023 in Dream Book, I am continuing the monthly intention setting and coaching calls to help you navigate your path.

I'm also doing a monthly Marketing as a Creative and Spiritual Practice call because everyone's gifts are needed out in the world right now so let's all practice SHINING BRIGHTER! And also because, as the world falls apart, there's actually a really good opportunity to let go of the parts of entrepreneurship that don't fit our values or creativity and create new ways of doing things that are more congruent with our deepest inner truth.

I also want to do regular calls (every month or every other month) on topics that the members need most. For example in November I did the Staying Stable With Money While The World Is Unstable call. I'd like to do one on Believing In Yourself No Matter What, but mostly I want to listen to what topics would be the most helpful to the members and do those.

And mostly - keep using the content from Dream Book to show up in my daily practice, sharing my notes with and encouraging you with your practice.

These are TRANSFORMATIVE times.

Every creative dream we can put out into the world helps us move towards a better world for everyone.

 

Dream Book members: click here to read this on our private blog with comments section, where I link to all of the practices I use.

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