But before I start: whenever I write honestly about difficult things in my life, I gets ton of unsolicited advice, which, even when well meaning, is extremely unhelpful. So my policy now is to not accept ANY unsolicited advice.
I've been in a rough spot. And I’ve noticed myself pulling back a lot.
Part of it is a very natural need to just be quiet and more inward focused right now.
But part of it is this “I shouldn’t share this it will bum people out” thing that is NOT helpful for anyone.
We need to create BRAVE spaces where all parts of us are welcome, loved and seen. This is what the Creative Dream Incubator has always been so of course there is space here for my grief now.
On top of some other shitty things that happened, a lifelong friend died.
I’ve know him since I was 5. We were great friends and he was my first boyfriend in high school, though as adults we drifted apart and back together and back apart a few times.
A few years ago he really pushed me away at a time when he was talking about making a lot of positive changes. And even though I am obviously a good person to have around when you want to make positive changes, I understood.
We can pick up a lot of baggage in these lifelong friendships. Sometimes we can see who we WERE more clearly than who we are, or who we are becoming. Sometimes we need space away from the past to create a better future.
So I respected his decision. And I expected it to be temporary.
And now of course I am wondering, if I had tried harder to help - would he still be here?
It’s a painful question to sit with, and I know I’m not the only one who has been here.
I honoured his decision out of respect, and love, and a hope for a better future for him. So of course I’m devastated that that didn’t happen.
And now I’m trying to just honour everything I am thinking and feeling even as a lot of it conflicts with each other.
I’m also noticing:
- My cognitive capacity is way down, a lot of things I do that are usually quick and easy are quite slow and draining to do now.
- I’m much quicker to lose my temper and snap at my husband.
- I’m tired and just want to eat carbs which makes me more tired.
But even in this shitty place, my dreams still exist. That part of me is not gone because I am grieving.
I think we feel like we should put our joy aside to make space for grief. To be appropriate.
But I think the most appropriate thing is to try to be as human as possible. To embrace our wholeness.
To fully feel our grief and pain and fear and also feel whatever joy we can find.
I’ve felt creatively blocked all week. But since I’ve started writing this (I missed writing!) super awkwardly with my iPad Pro on my lap sitting on an uncomfortable bench outside a coffee shop with tears in my eyes, I feel.... better?
I don’t know if better is the right word. But feeling in touch with my creativity helps me be more in touch with ME. Like it opens up some space and everything stops feeling so constricted and dark.
Just like I teach in my classes, we can have fear and dreams, we can have self doubt and take brave steps. This works better when we honour all parts of our experience.
We can have joy and grief. Love and sadness.
The more fully we can allow and experience our actual feelings, the better off we are. Denying grief will eventually cut off joy. Denying joy will make it more difficult to fully grieve.
The more complicated our relationship was with the person we lost, the more difficult this is because it’s hard to hold conflicting feelings. We live in a culture that doesn’t have a lot of space for this, which makes it even harder to be in it.
I teach how to meet yourself where you are and use what you find there to move towards where you want to be.
We can’t only show up for this work when we feel “good” and “ready”. That defeats the whole purpose.
So this week I’ve been bringing my grief and conflicting feelings into Project Miracle even though a part of me has been saying OMG NO DON’T DO THIS!
This part of me feels that, as the teacher, I need to show up clear + focused + positive.
But that’s not true. As a teacher, I need to walk my talk.
And I would never want to exclude anyone from my programs because they are grieving or feeling lost or like everything they want is impossibly out of reach.
This is where #goodvibesonly is so toxic because it leaves us alone in our pain.
We can have bad vibes, be grieving and in pain and lost and feeling like there is no hope - we can be in that sucky space and still create space for healing and magic.
In fact, we need and deserve the healing and magic so much more in these times.
#badvibeswelcome
And I don't have the bandwidth to write more fully on this, but also think about who gets left behind in #goodvibesonly - it further marginalizes already marginalized people. It leaves the people who need help the most unable to receive it. And in the larger context of how systemic oppression works in our culture, it supports white supremacy, the patriarchy and colonialist capitalism. Let's do better than that.
Project Miracle begins today! Do Lesson 1 with me:
(The journaling downloads I mention in the video are available in the classroom - you'll need to register to get them)
Project Miracle has generated hundreds of miracles already.
It's a sturdy container for calling in what you need most.
Join us here for the full 30 days.
Project Miracle is starting on September 1.
I am running a special session of Project Miracle, starting September 1.
There are 4 months left in 2020, that’s plenty of time to turn this shit show of a year around.
✨ Get GROUNDED in giving yourself what you need in these strange times so you can act more POWERFULLY from where you are.
✨ Get CLEAR on how you want to move through this time personally and professionally.
✨Bring the full force of your CREATIVE AND SPIRITUAL POTENTIAL to how you are meeting this moment.
For $33 USD (!)
I got an email from someone who is struggling with her dream because she's got this situation in her life that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to move forward.
I get emails like this pretty regularly, so I though I'd make a video with some ideas for what to do.
I believe there is always SOMETHING you can do - and that every little step you take moving towards a more meaningful and authentic life is worth taking.
Here are my thoughts:
View this post on Instagram
At the end of the video I am talking about the work of ENGAGING with this process.
I have a free class that helps with this!
Sign up here:
This summer has been a WHIRLWIND of activity behind the scenes at Creative Dream Headquarters. And now it's done! I've moved my whole business from Simplero to Access Ally, and Convert Kit.
This spring, I attended Rachel Rodgers’ Small Business Town Hall on creating equitable businesses (if you follow that link you can see the recording on that page - it's really good!)
I want to know what I can do to create more equality in the world, so I was REALLY happy about this town hall, which left me with a better understanding of what I can actually DO.
Long story short, my work after the Town Hall led me to discover that the owner of Simplero, who was the main supplier in my business (for hosting, automations, emails, my membership site + shopping cart), has taken a public and vocal stance against the dismantling of white supremacy.
This discovery was uncomfortable for me because of how HARD it is to move an online business like mine - like probably 3 months of work.
This led me to realize how often I had wanted to leave Simplero, and how trapped I felt by how hard it is to leave. The owner of Simplero has a long history of not following through on his promises, and many of those broken promises had negative repercussions on MY business - without an acknowledgement or apology.
I wrote all of these broken promises here, but then seeing them all in a list made me feel uncomfortable about sharing it in public. It felt gossipy and vindictive.
I will just say that when simply speaking the truth feels inflammatory you know you're not in a good situation.
So I left.
It took just over 2 months, and it was REALLY hard. It was also interesting to me that having this overwhelming all-consuming project actually helped take my mind off the state of the world, so that was an unexpected benefit. And this seemed like a good time to do it, since I am mostly quarantining at home anyway.
There were a lot of hurdles.
For example everyone I spoke to said it would be impossible to move the Creative Dream Circle the way it is (an active membership, with people receiving new content every week, and everyone in their own place in that content). I'd have to "end" the Circle and re-start it somewhere new. But Dream Book is an ONGOING course, I can't end it.
Finding the tech to support my vision was challenging. Most of the companies in this space are owned and run by men and have that same "tech bro vibe" that was frustrating me with Simplero.
Let me back up...
When I moved to Simplero in 2014, they had a totally different brand than what they have now. At that time they were marketing themselves as tools for spiritual entrepreneurs. They were talking about integrity in business, which I resonated with.
At that time, I WANTED to go with Access Ally. But it was out of reach both technology-wise and financially. Access Ally is a WordPress plug-in, so I would be putting it on MY website, so I would be responsible for security and functionality of the website. I just couldn't do that.
I chose to go with a third party option, a company that would host the classes themselves, and be responsible for that website. And I know that WAS the right choice at that time - a third party option is really good for a lot of online teachers and coaches!
The Dream comes to me
Access Ally HAD been out of reach but Simplero had re-structured their pricing plans (after promising to NEVER charge more for more contacts, or courses, or membership sites) and I was at the top tier, so at this point Access Ally is less expensive. And the internet has changed, I no longer feel comfortable on a regular shared hosting site for WordPress, so now I have premium secure hosting which means... Access Ally was no longer out of reach in any way.
Access Ally is a woman and minority owned business (VERY rare in this space) and they attended that same Town Hall are were also inspired and motivated by it.
And access Ally allows you to create a 100% customizable teaching website.
[It's AMAZING. And it's a HUGE GIGANTIC learning curve. Though they do have tons of tutorials and amazing support - it's not recommend to create a custom site on your own - here are a lot of Access Ally experts you can hire to help.]
I feels SO empowering to create my own platform for my work.
I got to do everything the way I wanted to do it!
100% customizable is so great... and so hard.
It means I did get to create every part of it just how I wanted to - but I had to CREATE every single thing, it wasn't already there for me.
The number of automations and moving parts to creating a functional online classroom is MIND BOGGLING. There were steep learning curves on steep learning curves.
I definitely overwhelmed my mind, which is already stressed from the current state of the world. I was getting vertigo and headaches almost every evening towards the end, my whole mind/body system was just over-taxed. (I had to give up coffee to keep them under control!) (I LOVE COFFEEEEEEE!)
(The headaches are gone now 🙌🏻 )
And then it was done.
I moved my people in late last week and set a whole day aside just for handing issues that may come up with the move... in this kind of project I don't know what I don't know, you know? But I had tested everything thoroughly. And Access Ally has AMAZING tutorials for every little thing.
And there were some hiccups of course. But on the whole everything went ok and we have an online home that FEELS LIKE HOME.
Access Ally needs a CRM for the automations, and I went with Convert Kit. The owner of Convert Kit was one of the presenters at that online town hall for equitable business which is where If found out about them. They are "tech bros" but they have outlined actions they are taking to be an anti-racist company and felt like the best option for me. They've also been helpful in getting my stuff moved over to them.
It was one of the Covert Kit people who showed me how to move everything WITHIN the active sequence - so making it possible to move my members to the new site without having them lose their place in Dream Book.
So yeah - that thing everyone said was impossible was completely possible - it did take just over 2 days, of just working on moving people, to move everyone, but I think that was 100% worth it.
Working with companies who are more in alignment with my values feels better.
I mean my new online classroom is WAY better. It's more flexible, more engaging and better looking.
The people who take care of the software CARE about the experience that my students have. And you can really see it in how the classroom works!
Simplero's values are more around supporting entrepreneurs in making more money. When there were issues with their classrooms, making it hard for my customers to engage - they didn't take those issues seriously because that's not where they are focused.
This experience showed me how important it is to understand MY values in a certain situation and then only work with people whose values match mine.
And I think I got better at spotting when people CLAIM to have a certain set of values but are actually acting from a different set of values.
I wish I had made this move sooner.
But I also know it all happened at just the perfect time.
My latest update as I move my whole business and learn tons of things in the process.
I had a pretty trippy dream last night.
It had some traumatic elements and some really fun elements woven together in that weird dream way - like Simone Grace was the person letting people in to the Canadian Video Music Awards, and I recognized her but she didn’t recognize me, but she did let me in!
But the main theme of the dream was betrayal, like betrayals on top of betrayals. And that left me feeling pretty uncomfortable this morning - kind of raw and sad, without knowing why.
My first reaction to waking up feeling this way is “NO! I can’t! I have so much to do that really needs clear-headedness today!”
But of course you can’t just “No I can’t!” your feelings away, not even dream-feelings. So I’m just sitting here, being with that feeling so I can process it and not have it interfere with my day.
First there is this rush to bullet-proof my life somehow to make sure I am never betrayed.
Then concern that I am being betrayed and I don’t know where and maybe this dream is trying to tell me something.
But the feelings starts to shift around and change when I come to: people are going to do what they’re going to do and I can’t control that, I actually trust myself to take care of myself whatever happens...
It’s the places where I betray MYSELF that are really brutal.
Then I feel a sense of forgiveness.
I’m realizing I have felt betrayed by the person who I was trusting with my online business operations. And that somewhere inside myself, I have blamed ME for making a wrong choice. Six years of 100% depending on them to keep everything operational… to then see that all the little red flags of course DO add up to something and they are NOT trustworthy.
But I’m not 100% sure I placed my trust in the wrong place, I believe I did the best I could with what I knew at the time AND this situation HAS taught me and next time I think I’ll see the truth sooner.
The act of taking my power back and taking control of this aspect of my business is… well not to be dramatic about it but it’s actually FLATTENING ME right now.
The volume of decisions to be made, the level of detail - my already-Covid-lessenened-mental-capacity is not up for this task.
At the same time, my creative self is THRILLED.
My dreams are THRILLED.
Yes, this is a rough patch where my dream is stretching me - but I've been in these places before and they always lead to something good. Like, this is how my dreams grow me, it’s always worked like this and by now I can trust the process.
So it’s kind of a weird place to be, of trusting the process AND being flattened by it at the same time.
The way I feel flattened right now - that’s similar to how the betrayal on betrayal felt in the dream.
Like I did betray myself to end up in this place?
Absolutely not.
I think that’s the toxic positivity+ love + light culture speaking.
That sense that if things are hard now that means I did something wrong. I wasn’t positive or loving enough so I am out of the flow. I am to blame. That’s bullshit but it’s so pervasive in our culture where we blame people for their hard knocks.
The thing is, this rough spot I’m in right now is GOOD. It’s the exact right place for me to be right now.
I’m being grown in the ways I need to grow to get to the next level.
This new online classroom I am creating is a HUGE “up levelling” for the Creative Dream Incubator. I get to create the VIBE and I am LOVING that.
And I get to decide how all of the behind-the-scenes stuff works in terms of how classes are delivered and accessed and this is REALLY cool because my classes are actually CONTAINERS FOR TRANSFORMATION so this way I get to set them up to be more flexible to support all the wild and wonderful and strange ways your transformation will occur.
I love that part.
It’s just that building more flexible systems is exponentially more work.
And I do want ME to be the one doing this work, building the container. Usually people hire experts to do this kind of work.
It’s kind of funny that I do have the skills for this. I have a Bachelor of Applied Arts in Fashion Design, I took a lot of courses in the elements and principles of design (which work for websites the same as for fashion) and visual communication. I taught myself html after university (which is easy to do online). I learned how to use Beaver Builder for WordPress a few years ago - a theme that allows me to put my ideas onto the pages of my website. I also learned how automations work to deliver course content over the last few years.
I have everything I need to do this.
OK wow.
I started writing this to help me process the feelings from my dream and now those feelings have cleared, I feel plugged back into my purpose + passion for this project and ready to get to work.
I think I am 1-2 weeks away from the move! But I thought the same thing 1 week ago, so who knows? When I get REALLY close, I will close registration for Dream Book, and will open it back up after everyone is moved.
Today I hit a milestone: All of my courses + libraries have been moved over to the new website.
This is HUNDREDS of pages of content, all re-designed, re-organized and better than ever. I’m not done, there are a least 1-2 weeks of work to get the site operational, but still, having all of the content moved is a big milestone.
I hit this milestone at 7:45 am this morning, sitting on the patio of a coffee shop I used to work out of all the time, pre-COVID. For computer tasks, I am more productive in a coffee shop and not having access to them since March has impacted my productivity, on top of how the stress of these times has already impacted it.
So it was a real gift this morning, to wake up super early and get to the coffee shop early enough to get a table on the patio, as our patios are open at 1/2 capacity with social distancing measures so getting a table is not something I can count on being able to do most of the time. Also – I usually don’t WANT to be there, but early in the morning is good.
I was up so early because I went to bed so early because I really hit a wall last night.
It felt equal parts emotional and physical. The physical part I understood but it felt like I was hitting new ground in the emotional part and I didn’t know what it was.
I did NOT have the capacity to be with it and figure out what it was. I took a hot bath and went to bed early, which is my go-to self care practice for when things are hard. It always feels more clear and hopeful in the morning.
So this morning I was happily working away at the cafe, and at one point I tried to access I page but I wasn’t logged in and this flashed on the screen:
And suddenly I knew what this new emotional wall I’m hitting is all about: I don’t feel worthy of this new website.
Like – who am I to plaster my smiling mug all over the login screen like that?
When I designed this page, I was DELIGHTED with it! I thought “it’s like I am right there smiling and welcoming them in!”
But now that “who do you think you are???!?!?” voice has taken over and trying to shame me into NOT showing up in this new way.
This is good.
Every time I level up in some way (and I must say that levelling up is NOT all about things you can measure – like an increase in income or audience – there are infinite ways to level up and our dreams will need us to level up in all sorts of un-measurable ways along the way) I come across my inner resistance to showing up BIGGER and BRIGHTER and TRUER.
This resistance is made up of parts of me who need healing before they can feel safe with me taking my next steps in living my most brave, free and authentic life.
We ALL have these parts. We live in a culture that is constantly telling us who we should be and what we should want so living by your internal compass feels TERRIFYING for some parts of us.
This is just a part of the work.
It’s never a sign that we really CAN’T do this, or that we am NOT good enough or NOT worthy of having what we want.
It’s just a thing we have to work on, a part of the process. Just as important as making the website or recording the podcast or writing the book or making the art.
This is why Dream Work and Inner Work need to be a part of your daily practices! Otherwise you don’t notice this stuff because it’s all happening way beneath the surface – and the stuff you don’t notice about yourself has a LOT of control over you.
I started seeing the world differently about four years ago, and then I started re-creating my work to match my new understanding of how the world is and my vision for what the world can be.
The more I learn about how colonialism and the patriarchy and capitalism and white supremacy function in the world, and all of the different forms of systemic oppression they create - the more I wanted to make my work DEEPER and STRONGER to help people free themselves from the toxicity of all of that.
Because this is NOT who we ARE.
One of the things that’s always pissed me off about the Live Your Best Life Industry is the spiritual by-passing.
I see how much the spiritual by-passing only serves to help privileged people focus on manifesting what they want for themselves while ignoring the role they play in maintaining systems of oppression in our society. I used to think it was ineffective and lame. Now I see it’s fucking DANGEROUS.
So, I've always understood that the world we live in is hostile to dreams, and that a huge part of making a dream real is this inner work of healing all the bullshit stories you have about yourself and who you really are and what your potential actually is, which you picked up from living in such a toxic culture.
But over the last four years I started to see it all much more clearly.
I started to see the connections between our personal growth and political systems and structures of oppression.
All of this learning has helped me feel so much more hopeful about how to create a better future for everyone. And more sure of my role in this as a teacher in the Live Your Best Life Industry.
Onto my bullshit story… after spending a few years re-creating my approach to teaching I felt like… I don’t know how to sell this.
I don’t know how to be marketing in capitalist systems when I want my work to be a part of helping people un-hook from the toxicity of capitalism and colonialism and the patriarchy.
And for a while now I've been in this story of… I am figuring out how to sell this.
Which keeps me in a place of… I don’t know how to sell this.
Which, today I just noticed, is 100% bullshit.
I do know how to sell my work because I DO sell my work. My work has been financially supporting me for almost 10 years.
But a part of me has been clinging to this “I don’t know how to sell this” story.
One of the ways I changed how I teach is that instead of teaching classes on different topics I now focus on helping people develop a daily/regular practice that fits into your life AND creates a MUCH deeper container for healing and growth.
Because otherwise you don’t notice where you’re living in a bullshit story!!!! Bullshit stories are GENIUS at making themselves feel true.
It’s my daily practice, and showing up each day to write about my practice in our private daily online mastermind blog, where I noticed… wow I’ve been repeating myself about this “I don’t know how to sell this”. What’s up with that?
The good thing about bullshit stories is that they don’t hold up well to that kind of examination.
Once you look them in the eye you see it’s all smoke and mirrors.
Because this part "I don’t know how to be marketing in capitalist systems when I want my work to be a part of helping people un-hook from the toxicity of capitalism and colonialism and the patriarchy.” IS FUCKING NONSENSE.
I mean the answer is obvious.
Authenticity.
Honesty.
Creativity.
Inspiration.
Integrity.
Living and working in alignment with my values.
THAT is how you market heartfelt creative work. BY BEING HEARTFELT AND CREATIVE IN HOW YOU PUT IT OUT THERE.
It’s NOT a mystery.
Yes, there are *so many* different tactics and strategies and approaches you can take. But you CAN see these as an art studio full of art supplies, each one does different things, and you get to pick and choose which ones to use and how to use them to create your own masterpiece.
And you get to experiment and try new things.
And you get to learn as you experiment and try new things.
And take what you learned and apply it to your next experiment.
So, this is me putting down my bullshit story about not knowing how to sell my work.
I LOVE what I’m doing.
I LOVE the insights and healings that happen all the time in the Creative Dream Circle.
And I LOVE my ideas for how to keep inviting YOU to join me in all of this magic.
Because there’s nothing better than that feeling of spotting a bullshit story that you’ve been living in, and then putting it down.
It feels like freedom and healing and love and joy all wrapped up in a burst of glitter.
And each bullshit story you put down moves you closer to your true self, who is POWERFUL and WISE and CREATIVE beyond measure.
I’ve been getting a TON of email about my last blog post.
I share these stories because the process of writing is a balm of healing and clarity for me. Writing it in a way that explains it to another person shows ME a new perspective on my experiences.
And I share my stories because we need more REAL stories in the world about being on the path of pursuing your dreams wholeheartedly.
We make up stories about other people’s journeys all the time! We make up that we are more stuck than this other person is, that we have more self doubt or bigger obstacles.
For example: the first three years that I was self employed with the Creative Dream Incubator, I kept getting emails from people who assumed I had a husband who was bankrolling my business! I had been single for so long and had never even mentioned having a boyfriend!
People saw my experience through their stories about how “the only way you can live your creative dream is if you have a partner who is financially supporting you”.
So, when I wrote about taking my power back a lot of people were inspired by the post and the idea that I just decided to take my power back and then flounced off into my new website.
But of course that’s not how it’s happening. So I wanted to share this bit of journaling I did while freaking out yesterday:
Today I had a call with someone to help me with the set-up of the new website. There is a LOT of tech stuff to consider in this set-up, so I had a huge list of questions and she was so super helpful and the call was great...
But then after the call I just crashed.
I was looking over my notes I just... couldn't process it.
My whole body tensed up, especially my shoulders.
I wanted to cry but couldn't.
Suddenly I felt frozen and stuck.
This whole thing felt impossible, like I am in WAY over my head here.
So this part of me who WANTS all of this felt like a wave crashing into this other part of me who is so overwhelmed and afraid of fucking it all up that she just wants to give up and go eat ice cream.
I am an ocean of different feelings and desires crashing into each other and I want it all to stop.
In that moment, I wanted to give up even though I knew giving up isn't an option.
I have grown enough that staying where I am doesn’t feel comfortable anymore. But I haven't yet grown into the new place. So I bounce back and forth and can’t feel comfortable, or at home, in either place.
This is what it means to out-grow a thing.
When I was nineteen, I moved away to go to University. That first summer, I came home and everything had changed. My friends had all moved on with their own lives. I didn’t really know where I fit. I had been homesick while I was away but now that I was home it was like I felt “away sick”.
I didn’t know where home was anymore.
This is the growth that our dreams demand of us.
You have to step out of where you are before you can create a new home for yourself in a new place. And that part where you are out of what WAS familiar but haven’t yet created what WILL BE familiar to you next - IS BRUTAL.
So much about what I teach is about creating space where we can stay in these hard parts because the only other option is to just NOT grow and that kills dreams.
So that’s where I am right now. I do know 100% where I want to go. AND some parts of this journey are stretching me past where I think I can be stretched. Some parts make me want to give up.
Instead of giving up I am taking breaks.
I am reading novels and going for bike rides and taking long bubble baths and going to bed early because these things help me bounce back from those places.
So after I freaked out and wrote that journaling piece, I re-potted some plants, played with my cat Bear, made hummus and ate some with a toasted pita.
Then I felt better, went back to my laptop and finished the stuff I had wanted to finish yesterday.
I see now that I freaked out after that meeting because the person I was meeting with showed me whole new options for how to do what I want to do.
Like - there are even MORE possibilities than I thought and I felt too small to figure it all out.
My dreams are always making me feel small because they keep growing. But I'm not small - I'm just ready for growth.
We are NEVER never too small for our dreams.
Your dream is here to grow you. Some parts of that growth are going to be uncomfortable, but always worth it.