During our last Treasure-Mapping Adventure my intuition and my dreams gave me some clear information and guidance about what to do next.? They asked me to MAKE MORE ART and I agreed that this is a good idea!
My plan was to include an inspiring image of an inspiration card every week in my weekly email, (I already do that part) and to offer these cards for sale, individually or in groups (that’s the new part).
But I keep putting off actually doing this.
As you know, inner critics are VERY good at coming up with bullshit excuses that sound like reasonable reasons.
I have a lot of reasonable reasons why I just don’t have the time or energy to do this right now.
But when I remembered how I FELT when my intuition said to make this art (like my heart had tiny sparkling wings and was flying around, fueled by glee) I was sad because I realised that I had obviously fallen victim to believing bullshit excuses and putting my dream aside.
And I remembered that this happens every time I want to start doing something new, and that the fastest way to move through it is to turn around and face the uncomfortable feelings.
So I journaled about it:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++[from my journal]
What is up? I know I want to do this.
Is that true?
I do want it, my heart wants it, my creativity wants it, my soul wants it (it is smiling about it).
Who doesn’t want it?
Perfectionist and scared little girl who doesn’t want to get hurt or be made fun of, which hurts.
She is sure this would be opening myself up to ridicule. How dare I call this “art”? It’s stupid and a 5 year old could make it. It’s an embarrassment to my education. It really does make me look ridiculous, to take my silly stuff as serious art that I can sell. It’s like letting everyone know that I have no taste or maturity or understanding of what art really is.
I think I’m better than the quality of the art I’m making right now. I want it to be better. Better, how? Better as in? more elegant, cleaner. Less play, more technical execution.
I have technical skills that I am not using!? But the thought of doing that makes my creativity shrivel up, and now it’s no fun to even think about it so I certainly don’t want to DO it.
I like making art to make art, to play, to express myself. Yes, but I want the self I express to be “better”.? More polished.
Even though the lack of polish is an important part of what I want to say with my art – that you don’t have to do anything to be “good enough” that you’ve already earned that just by being here.? I want to encourage more true heart-felt expression and less polishing, unless polishing makes your heart happy, then it’s fantastic and perfect.
People respond to the art I make for myself.? They respond to the energy and inspiration behind it, and the spirit of it – it has nothing to do with technical execution.
What would it take for me to be comfortable with this?? And not tighten up about it, just enjoy making art and put it out there?
I could remember that I’m not forcing anyone to buy it.? That there’s nothing wrong with making the offer.
I could remember that I feel so tangled up because I am being vulnerable – I am sharing my creative expression and creative spirit. It’s ok to feel vulnerable about that.
I could let it be tangly.
Could I?? I think the problem is that because of the tangles I tense up so the art doesn’t work the same, it’s not a true creative soulful expression, it’s distorted by lack of believing in myself.
Yes, that doesn’t work. But if I can accept that vulnerability is scary, can I do this anyway?
NO it’s tangled. I can’t think my way out of the tangle. I can talk to the tangle.
OK, hello tangle.
(nothing happens)
No, this isn’t going to work on its own. I am going to bring the tangle into the Field of Creative Soul Alchemy that we work with in the Creative Dream Circle.
OK, that’s better. The tangle is relaxing in the field. Now it’s sitting on a chaise lounge, reclined and happy. The tangle likes it in the field of Creative Soul Alchemy. That is kind of interesting, since the field is something I CREATED and the tangle is about appreciating my creations.
I do like my/your creations. I want to like them more. I want to feel supported in sharing them with the world. There is no support!
What kind of support?
I like this chaise lounge. I especially like that it is lounge-y. I like lounge-y support. Relaxed. Casual.
You want me to support you in relaxing?
Well, yes.
Well, yes, of course that makes sense. Being tense got you tangly.
Tangly isn’t all bad! That’s a part of the problem – you’re upset that I’m tangled instead of letting me be tangled.
(Tangle stretches out her arms behind her head and snuggles down deeper into the chaise)
OK, you are pretty adorable. If I am ok with letting the tangle be tangled, then what do I do?
Make. Art. Anyway.
Make. Art. Anyway.
Get into the joy of it, remember how you feel once you’re REALLY into it. Art your way into that place instead of waiting to be there when you start!
MAKE BAD ART. Find your trust that you’ll come up with something, don’t try to make it be something from the start. You’re controlling the edges and shape of it too much, and not giving it enough room to breathe. Just hold the intention of creating something to share, don’t try to control it so much!
Well, but I am pretty sure I can sell cards. I don’t know if I can sell other things, so why make other things, if I am specifically making things for other people, doesn’t it make sense to make what I know they want?
Just because you don’t know what you can sell, does not mean you should be limited to what you do know you can sell, do you hear for completely ridiculous that sentence is?
You know you can’t limit yourself only to what you already know, that’s insanity and small thinking.. that is dream killing!
I know you don’t want to do that.
No, you’re right. I want to experiment and try things and in the process learn things.
It’s your approach that needs to loosen up.
(As the tangle says this, she stretches and untangles, then curls back up in the tangle and I see that it’s not knotted as tightly as I thought)
Your job is to pay attention to how you’re feeling, and stay connected.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So that was yesterday. Today I decided to share my journaling, so I’m typing it into my wordpress box.
I’ve got an inner critic screaming that this is ridiculously personal and I should not be sharing it here.
I know that I have clients who struggle with this very thing.? And if I can’t model how I work through this stuff, I can’t be effective as a mentor.
If I only show the shiny side of being on the other side of processing all of this and feeling comfortable and HAPPY about selling my art (and I know I will be there soon), well that actually hinders more than it helps others.
And if I only show my struggles after I’m successfully through them, all I’m demonstrating is a lack of faith in my own process.
I know I’ll get through this.? I’ve done it hundreds of time already.? I’ll do it hundreds of times more.
I’m reminding that voice that I know that so deeply that I can share the messiness while I’m in it.
I really wanted to end this post with an image of the art that I made and now have ready to sell.
The truth is, writing this out and getting it ready for public sharing may be the biggest step I can take with this today (I’m writing this on Sunday morning, and planning to post it on my blog Monday morning).
I’m curled up on my yellow couch, looking over at my art table which is an absolute explosion of colour and pattern and gorgeous creative chaos.
I understand where I’ve been going off the rails with what I’ve been creating.? I have my mission, to pay attention to how I’m feeling, and stay connected.
So, instead, I’ll share a photo of my creative chaos.
And a promise to write an update to this as I work through it.
